Nostomania

Thursday Haiku

2011-10-27T08:29:00.001-04:00

Fifty-eight degrees
(inside) Out? Forty-seven.
Hot tea in my hands.

I Remember

2011-09-11T18:28:00.003-04:00

I slept in that day, because I had forgotten to set my alarm. Had I set it, I would have woken up to NPR coverage of the planes crashing into the World Trade Center (I was living in CO at the time, and was 2 hours behind the east coast). But instead I woke up, rolled over to see the time, panicked, and raced into the shower. When I got out of the shower and was walking back to my room to get dressed, I checked my cell phone and saw that I had missed multiple phone calls from my co-worker. I called her back as I picked out my outfit.

"What's up?" I asked casually.

"Have you turned on your TV today?"

"No - I forgot to set my alarm, and now I'm racing around trying to..."

"We're under attack."

"What? What do you mean?"

"The World Trade Center got hit by a plane... and then another plane... turn on your TV."

*pause*

"Oh my God."

"I talked with [Executive Director] and we agreed that we will all still work today. We have to decide if we still want to go through with our event on Friday."

"Wow... yes... of course."

"So come in when you can. There's a TV in the office downstairs so we can keep tabs on what's going on."

Standing there, watching in disbelief, I saw the South Tower fall. And just before I left for work, I saw the North Tower fall as well.

Ten years later as I see the video footage of that day, I am brought back to my basement apartment in Colorado. Standing in my towel, wet hair dripping on the carpet, watching an unfathomably horrible tragedy play out on my television screen.

Today I pray for peace for the victims and their families - on this anniversary and every day. I pray for the people of the United States of America, that this anniversary might remind us all of our interconnectedness - that we might all be encouraged to reach out to our fellow human beings, just as we did in the days following the attacks, rather than focusing on our differences.

I came across this today. It is a letter written by Ian Adelman to his friends and family the afternoon of September 11, 2001.

"On one hand, it is amazing to see people looking out for one another as everything appears to fall apart around them, but it is deeply saddening to think that it takes this kind of catastrophe to get people to overlook petty concerns and just be kind to those around them. The saddest thing is that while we'll all remember the physical event-- most of us won't be able to remember the way we felt. If only people could hang on to that feeling of common ground with nearby strangers that such a disaster instills. If we could somehow keep that in our emotional memory, we'd be better equipped to move forward--whether in the context of a local community, a nation, or a planet."

And because I am never one to miss an opportunity to reference The West Wing, here are some incredibly poignant words spoken by President Bartlet, regarding an attack on a college campus:

"We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. 44 people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition. When, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran *in* to the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you."

God bless the memory of all those lost on 9/11. And God bless the United States of America.

Cream of the Crop

2011-06-11T22:06:00.002-04:00

Recent email received through online dating site:

You sound like a fun interesting girl , if your up for it lets chat sometime.. Notice i spelled you not u haha

*sigh*

I explicitly state in my profile that I prefer people to spell out "you" rather than typing "u".

Must I also explicitly state in my profile that potential suitors be able to correctly differentiate between your/you're and be able to use proper punctuation???

A Dating Post-Script

2011-05-17T22:11:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I got an email from a guy on one of the online dating sites I'm on (yes, I'm back on multiple sites - it's a desperate situation, people!):

Hi there!

I really liked the tone of your profile. You seem really upbeat and fun.

Care to exchange a few emails? I'd love to hear more about your work. Social work is often so overlooked and yet so critical.

Cheers,
N

Seemed like a nice enough guy, so I checked out his profile. But as I looked at his photos, I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew him from somewhere. I finally realized that he looked a lot like a guy I had been on a date with a while ago. But the photos weren't the same as the ones he had back then, so I couldn't be sure.

I responded:

Hey N -

You look familiar to me... is it possible we went on a date a few years ago?

-Fibby

To which he responded:

Hey Fibby,

Hmm, I must admit, I don't remember having met you before. At least not from what I've read in your profile... Remember anything else that might give me a clue?

N

At this point, I was fairly certain that this was none other than the Mer-girl Painting Guy. My loyal, long-term readers may remember this gem of a bad date story. It involved a date with a man who was in love with a painting of a mer-girl.

It took place in the spring of 2007 - four years ago now. But that kind of experience leaves an impression.

That said, I was raised to be polite. I didn't think it was appropriate to ask him if he was the guy who was in love with the mer-girl painting, as it would probably not feel good to be remembered that way. I racked my brain for something else unique about him that would confirm he was the same man:

It was so long ago, and so I'm not sure if I'm linking details and people correctly (and of course, if we never went out, then I wouldn't be linking anything correctly!). Did you ever cook Timpano a la Big Night?

He replied:

That's a pretty good memory! I did make the timpano long ago... I think I may be having a flashback to what might have happened. I think we met and had just one date.

Hmmm... is any of this coming back to you?

Not sure if you want to revisit this, but I'm game if you are!

Cheers,
N

Yes, it's true. Apparently I've dated everyone in Boston and my only option is to date them all again.

Except that's not an option here. I have to draw the line somewhere. And I think in this case, it's drawn at a second date with the man who loves mer-girl paintings.

First Quarter Updates

2011-04-13T23:24:00.004-04:00

1. The landlord for the new apartment called today and told me that the apartment is mine if I want it. This is AWESOME on so many levels I can't even stand it. I will sign the lease in a week.

2. Thanks to my 2011 savings plan, this is the first time I've signed a lease and not had to borrow money from my parents for the deposit. I feel so grown up!

3. I already bought a couch. It looks like this and it pulls out into a really comfy bed. This means that guests can stay in a room that isn't mine when they come to visit. Yay!

4. Work is still crazy.

5. I get to see my parents again next weekend! Two weekends in one month - and both sightings in Boston. How lucky am I?

6. The Decemberists "This is Why We Fight" video hits the internet tomorrow. This makes me happy.

7. In the meantime, I've been obsessed with this song, ever since Seth and Emi sang it for me a few weeks ago. Of course, I prefer their father/daughter acoustic version, but until they record it as a single, the original will do.

8. I re-read this post, and am pleased to report to you that I have checked off all of my "other goals" - I got my LICSW, took a swing dance class, and miraculously overcame the sickness from hell that lasted for nearly the entire first quarter of 2011.

So there we are, mid-April in 2011.

2011: Making Things Happen

2011-04-08T22:23:00.004-04:00

In the past 24 hours, I've browsed wistfully on craigslist wishing I could afford to live on my own, found an apartment listing for a 1br apartment that sounded promising (and affordable), emailed to set up an appointment to see the apartment, gone to see the apartment, fallen in love with the apartment, told the one roommate I like that I was moving, told my landlord I was moving, and completed and sent the application for the apartment.

All signs point to this move actually happening.

I will have MY OWN PLACE. With A WHOLE REFRIGERATOR TO MYSELF. Also? It's about 4 blocks from where I live now.

Also, it has a deck.

Some other day, I'll write about the collection of quirky 1br apartments I've lived in over the years. I am pleased to say this one continues the trend. It's not big, but it's got lots of character and it will be all mine.

What started out as a crummy week has turned into a rather good one.

And tomorrow, I'm going to the outlets to buy myself an overpriced purse.

Happier Things

2011-04-07T23:08:00.003-04:00

I've been told perhaps I should post a few happy things on this neglected blog so as not to scare off the 6 readers I have left.

It's late tonight, so for now I'm going to post a list of things that are currently making me happy, and/or things to post more about later:

- This song makes me happy.

- I'm going to look at an apartment tomorrow in the middle of the day. This is an insane plan for multiple reasons (it requires that I drive to work so I have a car to get to the apartment, then park at home and grab a cab to return to work so that I don't have to drive home from work in the middle of Opening Day traffic). I have no idea if the apartment will be the right fit for me or not, but I'm tired of cursing my ever-shedding roommate every time I walk into the bathroom, and think I should explore other options in an effort to maintain my sanity. That said, if tomorrow's viewing doesn't go well, I won't be too disappointed. But if it feels right, it could be an exciting new step for me.

- Tomorrow is Opening Day! I'd be more excited if the Sox had demonstrated an ability to play the game of baseball so far this season, but I'm still excited and hopeful at the start of the home season.

- I get to see my parents tomorrow. In my city. That's always a treat (usually I have to trek north to see them). :-)

- I'm going swing dancing Saturday night. I've been taking a class. I should write about that sometime - it's been a fun experience.

- A really nice and happy thing happened at work last week. It's a follow-up to a previous post, and it makes me smile a lot to think about. I don't often get to share happy work stories on this blog (or I don't often choose to share them, I guess), so perhaps that will go up here too.

All for now. Hopefully some continued happy thoughts to follow...

Doubt Comes In

2011-04-05T20:33:00.007-04:00

ORPHEUS & FATES
Doubt comes in
With tricky fingers
Doubt comes in
With fickle tongues
Doubt comes in and my heart falters
And forgets the songs it sung
Where are you? Where are you now?
- Anais Mitchell, Hadestown

When I never get past a first date with a guy and all my first dates are comically bad, it's easy to lose sight of the point of dating. My dating life becomes a source of entertainment for myself and others. That's how it's been for so long that it's become the norm.

When I get past a first date, I'm always cautious, because there's almost always a "but" - as in, "he's nice, but..." or "he's funny, but..." I try to keep an open mind, but I know myself well and I'm obnoxiously good at separating the wheat from the chaff.

Sometimes I make it to a third date, but it's rare.

Never a fourth.

I recently met a guy while out at an event. We made plans for a first date and that went well, so we made plans for a second... and then a third. Every date was a good one - we talked, we laughed, we shared bits and pieces of our life stories - and as time went on, bits of future talk crept into the conversation: "When you get your next statement in the mail, show it to me and I'll explain it to you," he said (when discussing what he does for work and me admitting I don't understand it). "Next time we go out, we'll have to go there," he said.

This was all new to me. I don't think about the future with guys I date for one of two reasons:

1. The guys aren't the type of people I could see myself with long-term.

or

2. They aren't talking about the future, and I don't want to jump the gun.

But this guy talked about the future. He made jokes and remembered things like what night I have class. He drove a practical car even though his income far exceeded mine. He liked to share food when out on a date. He had a million and one quirks that I found entirely endearing. He was thoughtful and funny, and he knew how to kiss.

And so a part of me that had been dormant for ages - a tiny flicker of hope - awoke inside me when I met this man and things between us seemed so easy and right. And I began to think about the possibility of a future with him... the possibility of not just a few dates, but an honest-to-goodness relationship. And I could picture it. I could really picture it.

It felt like it was actually going somewhere. And for the first time that I can remember, I stopped trying to talk myself out of or into a man, but just enjoyed being with him and slowly building the relationship.

It was during this process that I was reminded that dating is not just a source of bad date stories, but that if/when it works out, it's supposed to be a source of happiness and friendship. I haven't experienced that in so long that I had forgotten.

And then I remembered. I remembered what it felt like to feel excited about a guy, and to have a guy seem to be excited about me too. It was a new experience for me, and I was happy and optimistic about this quirky man who made me smile.

But then he wrote to me this morning to tell me that he met someone else a few weeks ago and wanted to "give it a shot" with her. He said he couldn't date two people at once, and that he hoped I would understand.

The funny thing is that my first reaction wasn't shock, or sadness or any emotion directed at him. It was anger at myself for letting my guard down. As though not imagining what it might be like to be in a relationship with him might have
somehow kept this from happening.

And so I responded to him with words that I truly believe, even though I hated that I had to write them to him. I told him that there need to be feelings on both sides in order for things to move forward and ultimately work out, so if one person isn't feeling it, it's probably not going to go far. And I told him I was bummed, but I wished him well.

And only then did I get sad. Rock-your-core, punched-in-the-gut sad. Because when I go on bad first dates, I am never reminded of what I'm missing. I'm reminded of how ridiculous dating can be. But with this man, I was reminded of what it feels like to connect with someone, and to enjoy being with him.

I was reminded of what I don't have.

In my everyday life, I make it a point not to feel sorry for myself. Though there have been times in my life when I've lamented my single status, those times are few and far between. I enjoy my independence, and I trust that I'll find a mate when I am meant to.

But just for this one day, I couldn't help but feel sad. Sad at the loss of something that on most days I don't even miss. But that today suddenly made me feel achingly alone.

And then the doubt comes in... is it me?

Am I too picky? Do I write off men too quickly?

Or did I do or say something that made this man write me off?

Was it the weird thing I said on the second date? Was it the fact that I insisted on paying for our third date? Was it that I wasn't in shape enough? Was it that I told him that I was good at my job? Did that make me sound too cocky?

I'll never know.

I just have to trust that for whatever reason, he was not my bus. And that things will all work out as they should, eventually. Because they always do.

EURYDICE
Orpheus
Hold on
Hold on tight
It won’t be long
’cause the darkest hour
Of the darkest night
Comes right before the dawn
- Anais Mitchell, Hadestown

Upside-Down Again

2011-02-07T23:05:00.003-05:00

It was after the Super Bowl. I was sitting on my bed, watching Glee and reading status updates on Facebook when I decided to check my work email. I usually check work email on Sunday nights, just so I know what to expect when I come in on Monday.

I saw an email from our nurse manager with the title of “P’s Services”. I was distracted as I clicked on the email, turning my head to watch the Thriller/Heads Will Roll mashup and then glancing back to my laptop screen.

“As most of you have heard by now, P passed away unexpectedly this weekend,” was how the email began.

I quite literally gasped, as I realized that my friend and colleague P was dead.

*********

P started working as a nurse in my ICU years before I was born. About the time I was graduating from high school, P transitioned from the ICU to work in the new family resource center at the hospital. The Center provides housing for families from far away, parking assistance for inpatient families who can’t afford it, computers and internet so families can stay connected, and a library of books, movies, and games to keep patients and their families entertained during lengthy stays. They also help to coordinate a parent-to-parent support network, and run two annual events that the hospital hosts for bereaved families – events that P took the lead in coordinating.

I don’t remember the first time I met P. I think perhaps the person whose job I was taking over made a point of introducing us. “P used to work on our unit – she’s one of us. Go to her anytime you need anything – she’ll take care of you.” I was told.

Indeed. When I needed the go-ahead to reserve a room for a family that couldn’t make it home, P was there. When a family needed parking assistance and was only a few hundred dollars over-income from qualifying, P approved them so they wouldn’t have to go one day without the assistance they needed. I knew P had my back, and would often go to the Center to ask a favor. She’d see me coming and say, “You again! Uh oh – what do YOU want?!” with a twinkle in her eye, and I’d plead my case.

P had an incredible combination of compassion, enthusiasm, and determination that drew me (and many others) to her. She greeted everyone with a wave and a smile, and always made time to talk. Of all aspects of her job, the two annual bereavement events were the ones about which she was most passionate, and I was fortunate enough to serve on the planning committees for both events.

But it was our nightly check-ins that really grew our friendship. I’d leave work each night at 6:30, and P would work the front desk at the Center until 7. To leave the building after exiting my office, I had to walk by the Center. I’d look for P on my way out each night, and if she was there I’d drop in and chat for a while.

It was through these conversations that I learned more about P’s life outside of the hospital, and that she learned more about mine. She shared stories about her family and I told her stories about bad dates and the perils of single life. And when I was having a rough day, I’d go to her, She’d ask how I was doing, and I’d shrug and give her a look that said, “If I talk about how hard this work is right now, I’ll probably start crying”. And she’d give me a look back that would say, “I understand, and I’m here for you if you need anything.” And then she’d make me laugh with a story about families breaking the rules in the sleep space.

*********

It has been over twelve years since my world was turned upside-down when my friend Christine died suddenly. She was just a few days shy of 20 years old. One minute she was singing with us and laughing, and the next, she was gone.

I had forgotten what it felt like… this strange, surreal feeling as though I’m in a dream, but with regular horrible, gut-wrenching realizations that I am not. That a person I have loved and cared about is suddenly and unexpectedly gone, and I am left going through the motions and trying to make sense of a life ended too soon.

I deal with death on a regular basis at work, but P’s passing has hit me hard. In an ICU, I feel prepared for death. I know that it is part of what happens in such a critical setting, and that it is my job to support the families and help prepare them for that which they can never truly be prepared. The larger hospital setting outside the ICU is my safe zone. It’s where I go to escape the intensity of the ICU. The Center was my safe zone. P was my safe zone.

Once again, I find my world turned upside-down. The Center is where I have always gone to take a break from the intensity of my work. Now it is a reminder of a dear friend who is gone and a trigger for the deep pain of a sudden and unexpected loss.

My heart breaks for P’s daughter who is my age, her husband who is not much younger than my father, her parents who have already grieved the loss of another child, and her co-workers in the Center who must be reminded every day of her absence by an empty chair at a desk full of task lists not yet completed.

My heart breaks for all of those people, and it also breaks for me. P was my colleague, my mentor, and my friend. Last week, we laughed and swapped stories of our experiences working in the ICU. Tonight I left my office at 6:30 as usual, and passed the Center on my way out. I willed myself not to turn my head, not to expect to see P smiling and waving me in to talk. But my brain still can’t believe she’s gone, and so I glanced in. And then I turned away as tears pricked my eyes and a lump rose in my throat.

I miss her so much already.

Colleagues from the NICU and the Center wrote some words about P that were shared with the hospital staff today when her passing was publicly announced:

Today we grieve the loss of our dear friend and colleague. P was loved by all who knew her. She extended her warmth, knowledge, caring and support to patients, families, staff and all who were blessed to know her.

P had a long list of admirable attributes. She was the "core" of the hospital; thoughtful, kind, compassionate, and endearing. She was a mentor to all who worked with her regardless of age, position, and experience. She was never easily flustered, and intimately understood the depth and chaos of working with families in crisis. She had a refreshing sense of humor, including the ability to laugh at herself. Her humility balanced with invaluable wisdom made her an innate mentor for colleagues at all levels who would frequently seek out her advice, support and her tidbits of invaluable guidance. Caring for others sustained P and we've all had the privilege of benefiting from her warmth and love.

Each one of us has our unique memories of P and our individual beliefs about where she may be now, looking out upon us. The one thing we're certain of is that she would embrace us and tell us not to worry for her. Her stressors are now a thing of the past. She would definitely want us to carry on in our work in caring for each other and the patients and families whom we serve. That is something that we all must do, in honor of our dearly loved and respected colleague.

P, I miss you so much already. None of this makes sense to me, but I trust that somehow this is what was supposed to happen, even if I may never know why. Thank you for your support, guidance, humor, and caring over the past 2 1/2 years. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a better person for having known you. Rest in peace, my friend.

Complications

2011-01-11T21:38:00.002-05:00

I'm going on vacation this weekend. Taking 5 days and heading south to New Orleans where I've never been to meet up with good friends from college and their friends. I'm using a free flight that had to be used before February 2nd, and staying at someone's house, so I'm hoping the budget part of the trip is relatively manageable.

I remember thinking when I booked the trip, "I will have just taken time off from work for Christmas - it seems kind of silly to take more time so soon."

As it turns out, this trip could not be planned for a better time.

Work has been tough these past few weeks. A family I became very close with had to make difficult end-of-life decisions for a family member they loved so dearly. I attended the funeral for that person yesterday, and then returned to work to have a very difficult conversation about DNR status with another family. I went home exhausted and hoping for better today.

Alas, that was not to be. I had thought I was mentally prepared for what today would bring, but I forgot about the x-factor. The fact that one never knows what patients will be admitted overnight, how very sick they can be, and how complicated their family dynamics can be.

As the social worker, fixing and/or managing the sickness never falls to me. But managing and putting band-aids on broken, messy, and/or complicated family dynamics is most definitely in my job description.

Throw in my more typical (but still required, even on crazy days) tasks of introducing myself to new families and orienting them to the unit and the hospital, and my day went from predictably bad to unpredictably miserable. I didn't leave until 8:30pm.

I feel like this always happens when I'm working a short week and gearing up for a vacation. All the chaos that might have been spread over 5 days somehow knows to squeeze itself into 3. On one hand, I'm glad I'm dealing with it all, as I always hate to leave a mess for my coworker who covers for me when I'm out. On the other hand, I'm exhausted, and unsure how I'll rally to make it to work tomorrow... especially given that I'll be walking to work in a snow storm.

It's as though every ounce of my energy must be drained before being able to go on vacation to replenish it.

I don't even have the energy to pack.

And yet...

I still wouldn't trade this job for any other in the world.

Week 2: Start-up Baking Costs A Lot

2011-01-10T22:05:00.003-05:00

I will be traveling for a long weekend starting later this week, so I had a shorter week to cook for. I decided to make my friend MK's "Thai-ish salad" that involves chicken, lots of veggies, and egg noodles. I made enough for an army and have been happily eating it this week.

I also had the inspiration from one of my Cooking Light magazines to try a new banana bread recipe. Usually banana bread is one the easiest (and probably cheapest) things you can make. HOWEVER, if you have none of the baking staples (sugar, flour, spices, etc.) it can get a lot more expensive.

Because I had very few baking ingredients in my stash, I had to purchase them, which meant over-spending what I would have liked my food allotment to be for the week. So as it turns out, I spent nearly $20 on the baking supplies needed for banana bread - a rather expensive loaf, I'll admit, but now I've got all the supplies to make it again and again and again... and those loaves will not set me back nearly so much in my budgeting.

So my total (food and toilet paper) spending for this week was $71.32, but if you take out the baking supplies and tp (since that's a cost split among roommates), it's back down closer to last week's food budget at about $44.61.

I've set a budget for my trip, but my plan is to try to spend less than I've budgeted. I'll report back on the flip side...

Week 1 Tracking - Final

2011-01-08T09:52:00.003-05:00

$37 for groceries to feed me for the week*
$4 for a lightbulb because my room was too dark with just a bedside lamp.
$7 for lunch at work on Friday
$10 to grab my traditional Dorado Taco dinner on my way home from work on Friday
$5 to rent a movie on-demand last night (studying up for my 2nd Annual Oscar Party)

$63 total for the week

*It should be said that $25 of my grocery bill came from a gift card. So really I only spent $38 of my weekly funds in cash.

I also purchased a few items from the drug store (drugs, namely, to help clear my sinuses). I used my 2010 flexible spending account debit card, which still had some funds left and which apparently has not been updated with the 2011 limitations regarding what I can purchase through an FSA account. Huzzah!

Next week, I imagine things will be a little tricky, as I'm traveling on vacation to New Orleans (!!!) for 5 days next weekend. The flight was free, and the accommodations are free, so it should still be a relatively budget-friendly trip. My plan is still to give myself a budget and see how I do, but not beat myself up too much if I end up having to be a little bit flexible. This budgeting stuff is a work in progress, and much easier when I'm in my home routine than when I'm traveling. No doubt I'll have some reflections on everything when I've returned from vacation.

Week 1: Fund Tracking

2011-01-02T18:01:00.002-05:00

Today I grocery shopped for the week (and then some).

Total grocery bill was about $37

I used a Trader Joe's gift card worth $25, but still think I should probably pretend I paid cash, and leave myself with $63 remaining for the week. I'm hoping all the cooking I did today two recipes from Real Simple:

Chicken and Broccoli Rabe with Apricots

and

Turkey and Bean Chili
(and Trader Joe's corn bread)

and then a recipe I found online and doctored a bit that uses sweet potatoes and apples (almost dessert-like it's so yummy!)

Apple Sweet Potato Bake Recipe

The only thing I grabbed at the grocery store that was not on my list was gelato. It was on sale for a whole dollar off, and a few spoonfuls of it are all I require to feel like I met my requirement for dessert. I most highly recommend the Key Lime Graham which is OMG so good.

All for now. I'll likely just update this post with more spending if I have it so as not to over-post.

2011: The Year Ahead

2011-01-02T17:05:00.004-05:00

Last year, I reflected on the previous year before posting my goals for the new year. This year, I'm just jumping right in:

- The biggest goal for 2011 is savings and money management. I had a more vague goal last year, but feel the need to make it more concrete this year. I am now 32 years old, and think that it's probably time to either own a car that isn't nearly half my age, or live in a place that I can call my own. I'm not quite clear yet whether the second goal means I would live alone again, or whether I'd try to purchase a home, but either way, I've got some saving and planning to do.

Because I'm a stickler for rules, I've started the new year with a tight budget. $100 per week is what I get to spend on myself - that includes food, entertainment, and gas. I will get $100 in cash at the beginning of the week, and work hard to have some left over at the end of the week. If I have funds left over, I can either roll them into the next week, or put them aside to save towards something fun.

- A byproduct goal from above is cooking/preparing foods more and eating out less. I got off to a roaring start today when I made turkey chili, chicken and broccoli rabe, and a sweet potato/apple dish. Some is in the fridge, some is in the freezer. I can bring one to work for lunch and have the other waiting for me when I get home. (note to self for next time: broccoli rabe is a little pricey) I'm hoping to explore some of the recipes from last year's Cooking Light subscription.

- Organization is another goal for 2011. Sure, cleaning the study would still be great, but I'd also like to stay on top of having a clean room, and not have months-expired yogurt sitting on my shelf in the fridge. Organization at work would be good too. I'd love to not scare my new office mate who will begin in February with the endless piles of papers and post-its that cover my desk.

- I think I'm still working on my last goal of 2010 - specifically the piece about giving more to the people in my life who bring me joy. I used to be the kind of person who sent out Christmas cards to everyone I knew. Not just a card, but a card with a real message inside - more than one sentence, written in my own handwriting. I'm not sure why that's fallen off over the past few years, but I would certainly like to become that person again. Holiday cards, birthday cards... I believe in the power of snail mail, and want to do my part to give people something other than a bill to open at the end of the day.

Other goals include getting my LICSW, taking lindy-hop lessons, and getting over the sickness that I've had for the past month (seriously - couldn't that have been left behind in 2010!?).

Updates on all goals will be posted as they come...

2009: Final Report

2010-12-31T23:38:00.002-05:00

I had a lofty list of goals for 2009, and feel like it's worth checking in to see how I did before moving ahead to 2010.

- I did entertain a bit... not sure if I'd call it "more" but perhaps "more deliberately" or "with more enthusiasm". I hosted my first annual Oscar Party complete with a red carpet, a fancy dress, and drinks named or themed after the nominees. From what I could tell, people had fun, and I'm planning on another in 2011. I also hosted the second annual "Opening Day" party for ALC alums. Two events a year is a good start, I think.

- The study never got cleaned. I did, however, do a major overhaul of clothing and shoes (well, mostly clothing) and donated a bunch of stuff that was sitting around waiting to find a new home.

- Preparing more meals... hmm... I subscribed to Cooking Light and did try a few recipes from there. I did get more creative about lunches for work, and had some pretty fun salads.

- Never started any kind of social gathering club (book, wine, knitting), but I did become closer to a group of friends from work and spent some time with them. I continue to make new friends at work, and feel optimistic about perhaps some regular social gatherings in 2011.

- In 2010, I did not read one book a month. I read one book about every other month. And most of those books were vampire trash. HOWEVER, reading is reading, and I feel like that was a good start. Clearly more room to grow in this department.

- In 2010, I resolved to put more money in savings and then use those funds towards a vacation to somewhere I wouldn't usually go. I got a little sidetracked with the savings situation when I got invited to no less than eight weddings. The formal vacation plan was put on the back burner, but I was able to take a week on the west coast to visit friends (and attend a wedding), and a few long weekends in the fall to attend weddings and see groups of friends. Here's hoping for fewer weddings (and more savings!) in 2011!

- In 2010, I spent limited time exploring my spirituality. I did attend church on the first Sunday of the year, which has to count for something. I also helped in the hiring process for a new chaplain at the hospital where I work That was really interesting.

- As for my trend of being true to myself, I think I was able to successfully continue that trend. Unlike 2009, 2010 had no unhealthy relationships and very little drama. The drama that did exist I think I handled with a good sense of humor. I saw more of friends I hadn't seen in a while, put energy into the people I love who love me back, and allowed some relationships to wane without hurt feelings, understanding that that is the natural progression of some friendships over time.

I had forgotten until looking back at last year's post just how difficult 2009 was for me. I appreciate looking back on 2010 that there were no major complications or challenges that left a shadow on the year. Many people have posted on Facebook that 2010 was a horrible year and that they can't wait for 2011. I'm quite pleased with how 2010 shaped up, but I'm also excited about what lies ahead...

Customer Service

2010-12-04T08:48:00.004-05:00

I've never worked retail, but I believe I've heard that the golden rule of retail is "The Customer is Always Right". I consider myself a reasonable person, and generally try not to make waves. I rarely find myself in a setting in which I feel the need to speak up and advocate for my consumer rights. But a strange situation is brewing, friends, and I am sharing it here.

Once upon a time, Fibby was browsing on etsy.com and discovered some lovely socks* that were reasonably priced.

"Ooh!" Fibby thought to herself, "I can purchase these as gifts for friends this year for Christmas!"

Fibby spent time browsing all options, and checked out with multiple purchases from this shop.

The order was packed and shipped promptly, and a few days later Fibby opened a box full of socks that were just as beautiful as they had been in the photos. She left 100% positive feedback for the products online and was generally very pleased with her order. However, some of the socks were larger than Fibby had expected.

"Hmmm, this could be a problem," thought Fibby, "I'm not sure I know people who can wear these socks, and I'm not sure I can wear them either!"

Fibby emailed the etsy shop owner. She explained that the socks were beautiful, but larger than expected and inquired if an exchange would be possible. Fibby didn't expect the shop owner to agree to an exchange, but felt it was worth asking, just in case.

Fibby heard nothing back from the shop owner, which she took as confirmation that the store did not do exchanges.

Weeks later, Fibby realized that there were a few more people in her life who might appreciate some beautiful socks for Christmas and headed to the etsy shop once more. She found a couple more pairs of socks that would be perfect for her friends, and ordered them.

The order form had a section for comments, and Fibby decided to provide feedback to the shop owner:

I love your socks and will continue to buy. Just a note of feedback - I sent you a message a few weeks ago about exchanging some socks. As it turns out, I have found homes for them and I no longer need to. But it would have been nice to hear back from you. I would have been fine if you had told me you don't do exchanges, but not hearing anything was kind of disappointing. Just a little constructive feedback from a repeat customer!

This is where the story gets strange...

One day after ordering the socks, Fibby received an email from etsy.com informing her that her second sock order had been cancelled, along with the following information:

Cancellation reason provided by the shop owner: Seller refuses service and buyer has paid

Message from the seller: Future purchases are not available to buyer who was not happy with items or shop, but continues to purchase and critique simultaneously.

Friends, I have to admit, this made me concerned about the sanity of the shop owner. I had repeatedly told the shop owner that I loved the socks, had provided 100% positive feedback online, and then provided a piece of customer service feedback directly to the shop owner that I still maintain was written in a constructive way.

A piece of me was tempted to change all my positive feedback for my previous sock order to negative feedback and never do business with Crazy Irrational Shop Owner (CISO) anymore.

But there was another piece of me that felt the need to appeal to CISO with a rational argument and attempt to get the second sock order approved. (The socks were quite lovely, afterall)

I wrote to CISO stating that I believed there had been a misunderstanding. After providing a little more background, I laid out the following points:

To clarify:

1. I was absolutely happy with my original items, but some were a little bit larger than I had anticipated, so I contacted the store to inquire about an exchange. Not a return - an exchange. I didn't want you to lose money, and would have happily paid extra shipping costs or a re-stocking fee if necessary.

2. I heard nothing back after my email, which implied that an exchange was not an option. This was fine, as I wasn't sure I'd be able to exchange the items, but had felt I should at least inquire about whether or not it was an option.

3. I purchased more socks last night because I was so happy with your product, and I wanted to give a few more as gifts this season.

4. I wrote a comment along with my order not to complain, but to provide constructive feedback that it was disappointing not to have heard back from you after my initial inquiry. Had I truly been a disgruntled customer, I would have written negative feedback for the products and/or not shopped with you again.

I then requested that CISO reconsider the (ridiculous and irrational**) ban on having me as a repeat customer.

Where will this go? I don't have high hopes. My guess is that I will once again not get a response, or get a response that tells me the CISO is still not willing to do business with me. There's not much I can do after that, and frankly, if CISO continues to be so unreasonable, I won't have any desire to provide additional income to such an insane person (who knows where that money will go!).

At any rate, it seemed like a good story for sharing on my oft-neglected blog, so here it is.

*gifts have been changed to maintain some element of surprise
** words not included in the email

Thanks

2010-11-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure my list has changed much since last year.

I remain most thankful for family. I have learned about love, laughter, patience, impatience, challenge, success, and celebration from my immediate and extended family members. I continue to enjoy expanding on those life lessons every time we're together.

I am thankful for friends - camp friends, college friends, grad school friends, high school friends, work friends, friends I met while living abroad, and friends I met while living out west. Not a day goes by that I am not inspired by what they are all doing, or appreciative of the fact that we've been able to maintain our friendships.

I'm thankful for my job and the work it allows me to do each day. It continues to be an honor and a pleasure to do the work I do every day and I can't imagine my life without this work in it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

I held him.

2010-09-23T21:32:00.010-04:00

Disclaimer: Sometimes my job is unbearably sad. This was one of those times.

After the crowd dispersed and the room was still, I held him.

After the monitors were turned off and the bright lights dimmed, I held him.

After the controlled chaos turned to silence, I held him.

After I shared tears over the phone with a mother who couldn't be there, I held him.

After I helped to bathe and swaddle him, then make footprints of his tiny hands and feet, I held him.

After we prayed around his bedside - for him, for his family, for ourselves - I held him.

I held him in a rocking chair, and as we rocked together I stroked his downy hair and sang to him.

He was not alone.

I held him.

Prayer for Fibby

2010-07-12T22:34:00.005-04:00

It's been a tough month at work - a tough few months, really. Lots of complicated social situations. Lots of sad stories. Lots of heavy loads to help people carry...

There's an ongoing situation right now that eats away at me. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. It makes me frustrated. I'm mostly able to leave it behind when the work day is over, but sometimes it takes the whole walk home to fully shake it. And of course, it's always waiting for me when I return to work in the morning.

I knew that I'd have a day that centered mostly around this situation when I headed to work yesterday morning. I had checked email throughout the weekend and was aware that there had been some issues that would need to be addressed when I returned. I got to work, took a deep breath and plunged right in.

The "water" was deep, and the situation upsetting. I met with one person, I met with another, I organized a meeting of the care team, and then I documented in multiple places the plan to move forward. I stayed an hour late to finish all of this and was exhausted by the time I began my walk home.

It was a full-body exhaustion: physical, mental, and emotional. As I turned down my street, I was mentally preparing to leave the day behind when I walked through my front door. I spent the last few blocks taking some deep breaths in an attempt to let go of the day, but it was still hanging on.

Two blocks from home, I looked up and saw a few adults in their early 20s walking towards me.

"Excuse me," one girl said, "Do you have a second?"

"I might," I responded cautiously.

"It's not for anything weird... I mean... Well, we're with the ______ Church and I'm wondering if there's anyone you'd like us to pray for - maybe for you or for someone you know who is having a hard time?" She and her friend both smiled and looked at me kindly. "My name is Meredith," she said.

I'm of the belief that given the line of work I'm in and the challenges I so often witness there, I'm in no position to turn down prayer. Whether it be to a Christian, Jewish, or Muslim God, whether the god be male or female or gender neutral, if someone offers to pray for me or the families I work with, I won't say no.

So I thought for a moment, wanting so much to request a prayer for this family that is causing me so much heartache but not wanting to violate any HIPAA regulations. "Could you pray for the families at my hospital?" I asked. I told her where I worked and the population I serve, and tears came to her eyes.

She asked if she could put her hand on my arm, and when I said yes she began to pray.

I don't remember all the words of her prayer, but I do remember how kind and earnest she was. It wasn't a cookie-cutter prayer. She said "um" and "uh" as she strung together her thoughts into words. But her simple, honest prayer carried a surprising depth and weight. She praised her God for wisdom and love, and acknowledged that God's heart can break just as ours can. She asked for strength and peace for the families in the hospital. And she asked for strength and peace for me.

She finished her prayer and I thanked her. We chatted for a bit and then parted ways.

I walked home feeling lighter, less anxious, and relieved. Relieved in the realization that I am not carrying these burdens alone. Relieved at the idea that there might be some larger power that will help me through these difficult days - if not by solving the complex social problems I witness at work, at least by sending people like Meredith to pray for me when I need it most.

The Walk Home

2010-05-28T21:29:00.002-04:00

I was a few blocks from home when I saw them: a group of four pre-teen kids (a mix of male and female) hanging out in front of a house down the street from my own. They were talking to each other and pointing to one kid's shirt. As I got closer, I could see that this kid was wearing a (clean) maxi-pad stuck to his shirt. And his friends were laughing - not at him, but at the fact that I had noticed. And as I walked by, one kid said, "Don't mind them - they're all crazy!"

As I walked towards home laughing, I thought, "These are the kids I'd be friends with if I were their age."

These are the questions I ask every day, on my way, on my way, on my way...*

2010-05-21T23:10:00.009-04:00

I was walking home today, in a rush to get there and finish packing before driving up to Maine, and walked past two people sitting on a bench.

"Excuse me?" said the female, "Could you answer a question for us?"

"Sure" I shrugged.

"What do you think your purpose in life is?"

"Um, I, uh..."

"We're not going to record your answer or anything. We're just having a discussion and wanted to get more input."

"Well..." I began, "I guess I'm not sure where to go with that... do you mean career-wise, or personally, or...?"

"How about answering this question instead," said the male. "Which is more rewarding: interpersonal connections or self-satisfaction?"

I thought for a moment before I responded, "I don't believe one can have self-satisfaction without interpersonal connections."

They seemed satisfied with my answer and I continued on my way.

What about you? Would you have stopped to answer questions from strangers? What would your answers have been?

...*

For Cragin

2010-05-18T20:15:00.002-04:00

I didn't know you well (I think we met once), but we shared a history. We were part of the same group, but in distinct time periods. We sang the same songs, but next to different people.

Today I received news that you died this weekend. And it brought back memories of a night more than 11 years ago, when another group member was lost. I am sick to think how your friends must feel now, as I remember all too clearly the shock and disbelief I felt then.

Even though I know you and Christine never met in real life, I imagine you two finding each other in Heaven. I imagine you both becoming friends and starting your own a cappella group. And that makes me smile.

If there is a chance to sing for you in a few weeks when I'm on campus, you can bet I'll be there.

Until then, I share the song we sang for Christine. I sing it for you tonight.

She sang beyond the genius of the sea.
The water never formed to mind or voice...
That was not ours although we understood...
The sea was not a mask. No more was she...

And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker.

As we beheld her striding there alone,
Knew that there never was a world for her
Except the one she sang and, singing, made.

And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker.

- Wallace Stevens

Rain, Rain

2010-05-14T22:57:00.002-04:00

I walked home in the rain tonight. There was thunder and lightening in the distance, and as I got closer to home the rain came down harder and harder. If it weren't for my new shoes getting wet, it would have been a lovely walk home.

She Said

2010-05-13T22:52:00.002-04:00

"It's been five months last week," she said.

I couldn't believe how much time had passed.

"It's been a tough week," she said.

My phone call had made her cry.

"People tell me I visit his grave too often," she said.

I told her they were wrong.

"I often wonder what might have been," she said. "Did we make the right choices? Did we do what was best for him?" and then an urgent plea - "Please tell me that we did."

I comfort her and reassure her as best as I can, because I was witness to his final days and I know that he was loved beyond measure.

And as she remembers, so do I.

And for a moment, there is no talking. Just silent tears between us.

***********

I was witness. I sometimes forget what an incredible honor and responsibility that is. And I sometimes forget how important it is to remain connected to these families. To remember with them. To talk about their angels when no one else knows what to say.

More often than not, I don't know what to say. I get overwhelmed by the idea of picking up the phone to make that call, so I put if off until "later", though of course I have no clear plan as to when "later" might be.

But on my brave days, I pick up the receiver and dial the number. And on those days I am rewarded with a raw and most pure form of human connection. Those days remind me more than any others why I do the work I do.

I want to be brave more often, because it feels good to listen. It feels good to talk. And it feels good to remember the angels.

Eight Things in a Salad

2010-04-10T20:30:00.004-04:00

This morning, MOMP posted about a life lesson she learned regarding the minimum number of ingredients required for a good salad (five). Inspired, I decided to have a salad for dinner. I had a big stash of mixed greens (1) in my fridge, as well as some colored peppers (2) and hard-boiled eggs (3). I swung by Whole Foods to grab a few extra toppings. In the end, my salad included fava beans (4), broccoli (5), parmesan cheese (6), marinated mushrooms (7), and miso-tahini dressing (8). A wicked awesome salad, if I do say so myself.

Read This

2010-02-18T09:09:00.002-05:00

I just started reading the blog of a good friend from college, and her writing is incredible. Check her out at Je Ne Sais Moi.

Pure Joy

2010-01-06T00:07:00.003-05:00

Despite what you may think from reading through my posts, my job is not all doom and gloom.

For over seven months, I've gotten to know a very special family. Our patient has faced more challenges in the past year than many people face in a lifetime. He has met some challenges with success, and has had some significant disappointments as well. Throughout it all - even at the lowest points - his family has remained strong in their faith that he would be healed.

Today, this patient got one very significant step closer to being able to go home. I can't share more information, other than to tell you that today's events are life-changing in a positive and nearly unfathomable way and I am so very happy for him and his family.

Yes, sometimes my job is difficult and sad. But sometimes I'm witness to incredible miracles here on earth. I am so very lucky to do the work I do.

A New Year

2010-01-03T18:39:00.003-05:00

Last year when 2008 turned to 2009, I didn't take time to appreciate all that I had experienced in 2008 (graduation, finding my dream job, gaining friends, losing friends...). I only looked forward with anticipation for what the new year would bring. A year later, I am pausing to reflect on all I have learned and experienced in 2009, and looking ahead to some goals for 2010.

To be honest, many parts of 2009 were pretty difficult. Many months of the year found me processing two situations in which people I had trusted and been close with betrayed my trust in a significant and hurtful way. There was a lot of confusion and anger and sadness as I tried to make sense of my new reality. If I'm being honest with myself (and with you, the few readers I still have out there), I'd have to say that for at least 3/4 of the year, these two relationships and their fall-out sapped much of my energy.

That said, there were many good things that happened in 2009 as well. I made some new friends and prioritized making time for a social life. I put myself on not one but two online dating sites and had a steady stream of dates to keep me feeling proactive about my dating situation. I fell even more in love with my job, despite (or perhaps because of) its intense highs and lows. I reconnected with some friends with whom I had somehow fallen out of touch. I traveled to Maine quite a bit to see friends and family and I traveled to California and Colorado to see friends. I finished my first knitted baby sweater (which also happens to be my first knitted sweater) and learned how to be creative with eyeshadow.

Overall, I think 2009 was a year for beginning to figure out how to fill my life with the people and things that mean the most to me and how not to get weighted down with those which do not. I hope to continue the positive trends in 2010 and to let the pain of those two failed relationships stay in 2009.

So here, in no particular order, are my hopes and goals for 2010. They were written on the back of a receipt at Friendly's on New Year's Day while eagerly anticipating 2010's first Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Sundae with chocolate ice cream and extra peanut butter sauce.

- In 2010, I want to entertain more. We have an amazing house for entertaining and I want to create more opportunities for friends to get together. That could mean having people over to watch Lost together (the final season starts February 2!!!), a game night, ALC gathering, Groundhog Day Party, or a dinner party. It will definitely mean hosting an Oscar party on March 7 so mark your calendars, book a babysitter, and pull out your fancy clothes because there will absolutely be a red carpet.

- In 2010, I want to clean and re-organize my study. I want to get rid of things that I no longer need (a goal that I have for clothing and shoes as well). I want to sell my desk and make room for a table on which I could put a sewing machine (which is currently sitting in my parents' basement in Maine). And I want to organize my filing and bills.

- In 2010, I want to prepare more meals. I want to get back in the habit of bringing healthy lunches to work with me every day. I want to try more recipes instead of just sticking with my standard go-to recipes (so send some favorite recipes my way!).

- In 2010, I want to start or join a book club, knitting club, or wine club (maybe it can be all three!) - something that provides me the opportunity to meet up regularly with a core group of people. (In San Francisco, I was part of a book club that had a great rule: not reading the book is not a reason not to come to book club. I never read the books and I always went to book club. Best. Book club. Ever.)

- In 2010, I want to read at least one book per month. The above goal will make this easy if I end up being in a book club, but if not, I still want to read at least one book per month. More would be great, but after an embarassingly long time away from being a regular reader of anything longer than a magazine article or childrens book, I think this goal is good for a start.

- In 2010, I want to put more money in savings. And I want to put some of that savings towards a vacation.

- In 2010, I want to take some time to explore my spirituality. I'm not a religious person, but I do consider myself to be spiritual. I don't know if there is a church that speaks to my spiritual beliefs, but I think I'd like to explore what's out there. I want to read more books, poems, quotes... anything really... that make me think more deeply about the world in which I live and what I'm doing in it.

- Finally, in 2010 I want to continue a very important piece of self-care I started late in 2009. I want to continue the trend of being true to myself. I want to hold myself to the same standard to which I hold others. I want to give more to relationships that bring me joy. And I need to cut back on giving so much to relationships that take my energy and give little or nothing in return. I want to try harder to reach out and ask for help rather than feeling like I have to face difficult times alone, because I know that burdens are easier shared than carried alone and that friends want to help share the load but they need to be asked. And I want to carry with me every day a healthy sense of self-worth.

These are my hopes for 2010.

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy new year...

Nienie

2009-12-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

The first installation of an inspirational story...

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/stephanie-nielson-intro-120609.html

Letter to an Angel

2009-12-04T18:44:00.003-05:00

Dear Christine -

There is another little angel flying around up there tonight. Please find him and look over him. You two share an anniversary - the kind of anniversary that people your ages should never have. And just as I will never forget that night 11 years ago, I will also never forget today.

I thought of you all morning. And as I stood with the family during his last moments, I sent a silent plea to you to take care of him up there as lovingly as his parents have taken care of him here on earth.

I miss you, Christine. I wish that you were still here to talk to and spend time with. But it's also so reassuring to me each time a patient dies to know that you'll be up there to greet them and look after them. If you can keep up that end of the bargain, I'll stay down here and look after the ones they leave behind.

Ever loving and ever grateful for your presence in my life both then and now,

Fibby

Thankful

2009-11-26T07:43:00.003-05:00

Today, I am thankful for much in my life. I am thankful for family. For my dad who stocks the fridge with blueberry seltzer before I come home, for my mom who plays never-ending games of Lexulous with me online and who makes me laugh as she dotes on the dogs, and for my sister and her fiance who are including me in their wedding planning (and the actual wedding). I don't see them nearly enough and being home always reminds me of that.

I'm thankful for extended family - my grandmother who shows more strength and humor with each passing year, and for aunts, uncles, and cousins scattered throughout the US, many who share that same strength and humor.

I'm thankful for my friends near and far - my SISO who is always up for anything, my SF, MA and ME friends, my friends whose families have expanded to include little people, for my social work friends who provide such good support and understanding that people not in the field can't always provide.

And I am thankful for my job - a job that I love, even when it makes me cry. I am honored every day to be part of these families' lives and to do the work I do.

I am grateful every day, but today I share my gratitude publicly.

Happy Friday!

2009-11-20T07:29:00.000-05:00

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

She

2009-11-12T21:07:00.004-05:00

She asked me with tears streaming down her face why this had to happen to her and I had no answer.

She told me the story of how it had come to this and I listened.

She shared secret truths with me her own family didn't know and I kept them as my own secrets.

She held him and wept as he took his last breaths and I held her arm and wept with her.

She is strength and beauty and fear and calm and sadness and hope and I will never forget her.

Singing Clowns and a Dancing Nun

2009-08-28T22:49:00.003-04:00

Today at work there was a retirement celebration for one of our chaplains, Sister C. And at the end of the ceremony, our in-house clowns (yes, we have in-house clowns) stood up on stage and led all the attendees in the hokey pokey. There we were, a room full of mostly adults, singing and dancing the hokey pokey together to celebrate this incredible woman.

It's moments like those that make me realize how lucky I am to work where I do.

Joyful Girl

2009-08-07T23:59:00.004-04:00

the bathroom mirror has not budged

and the woman who lives there can tell

the truth from the stuff that they say

she looks me in the eye

and says would you prefer the easy way

no, well o.k. then

don't cry

-Ani Difranco

The Gift of Life

2009-08-06T08:53:00.002-04:00

As I type this, there is a 5-year-old girl I know who is receiving the ultimate gift - the gift of a heart and of a new life. And as her family rejoiced at the news that a donor had been found, another family grieved for the loss of their loved one.

Please keep both families in your thoughts today.

For more information on organ donation, please visit http://www.donatelife.net/.

Worth the Wait

2009-08-04T22:41:00.007-04:00

She wrote to me one night in early January, asking me for advice on what to wear. She had three dates that week and needed advice from an expert. Having been on many online dates over the past few years, I shared my "expert" advice and wished her luck.

Even in that first email - the one before they had ever met - I had a feeling. He liked PBR. He was funny. He could write good emails. And she was excited about the date. She never got excited about dating. Not like that.

I crossed my fingers and waited. A few days later, she wrote. One guy was sweet, but not her type. One guy was nice but seemed to be a bit of a stoner. But there was one - the one she had hoped would be as good in person as he seemed online - who was worthy of a second date... and then a third... and then a forth.

And then we all met him, and we knew. He was The One. This was It.

It didn't take long for them to realize it too, and this past weekend he asked and she said yes.

Congrats to MK and O'G. Your kind, generous, loving souls are undoubtedly meant for each other and you are proof that true love is definitely worth the wait.

Change

2009-08-04T21:12:00.005-04:00

It's not that I haven't wanted to write, it's just that I haven't been sure what to say.

The past 6 months have presented me with some personal challenges, and though I've never been shy about sharing personal bits of my life on this blog, these challenges have involved other people and have made the sharing a bit tricky. I want to write because it is therapeutic for me, but I also want to respect the privacy of these people I care about, even though neither of them reads this blog.

The short version is that there was a friendship that was dissolved and a friendship that was rekindled. Two different friendships, which means that in addition to regaining a friend, I also lost one. It's been hard for me to write about, because it's been hard for me to accept. This was a relationship that I had thought was one of my strongest - a person whose friendship I valued very highly. And in the end, there was no fight or discussion or explanation, this friend just faded away. It was unbelievably sad for me, as there was nothing I could do to save it. For a long time there was a big hole. Now the hole is smaller, but there are still days when I see something that reminds me of my friend and there's a pang of sadness that hits. I still hold out hope that someday this friend and I will reconnect, but I've had to learn to live my life without this friend in it, and that has taken some getting used to.

The friendship that has been rekindled is also complicated. We were friends, and then we weren't for a while due to scheduling and other commitments. And then I reached out and so did this friend, and now we're back in touch and in each other's lives perhaps even more significantly than we were before. Conversation flows, there is unconditional support, and I am so glad to have this person back in my life... except that this friend is moving in a few short weeks, and even with phone and email, I fear that I will be left with yet another hole that will be hard to fill.

Change isn't bad. I know the friend who is moving and I regard each other with a significant level of respect and trust and appreciation that distance should not impact. And I know that the fact that I have lost this other friend does not take away from the many fun and meaningful times we had when we were in each other's lives. With change comes new opportunity, and hopefully growth. But despite knowing all that, I can't help but wish for the good old days sometimes - the days before things changed.

Look what I did!

2009-07-07T22:42:00.011-04:00

It only took me a year, from start to finish, but I finally finished my first baby sweater! I found the pattern for free online and stocked up on cheap yarn at Marden's last summer. I even learned how to crochet for this project - that's some serious commitment!

In all, I am really happy with it and am sharing my success with you all.

The Sweater.

Close-up.

Inside the sweater.

(I actually ended up putting a second tie at the bottom as well so it wouldn't stick out)

Bad Blogger

2009-06-29T21:20:00.004-04:00

I know, I know. I've been a bad, bad blogger.

I could say that there's been nothing to blog about, but after blogging every day for the month of November, we all know that even blogging about nothing is more interesting than no blogging.

So I'm sorry to the three readers who are left out there. I'll try to do better in July.

In the meantime I'll catch you up on my life...

Work:

June was a really difficult month for me at work. Many people think that the worst part of my job is having to deal with death. Though that's true sometimes, there are other parts that can be just as bad. This past month we've had multiple patients admitted after being home. This means that they were sent home seemingly healthy and then admitted later for some reason or another. That isn't the worst part. The worst part is that after being admitted, they end up being diagnosed with chronic and debilitating conditions that are a huge shock to their families. I've witnessed so many families being told this kind of horrible, devastating news this past month and truthfully, it's been exhausting. I still love my job and wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but there have been fewer rewarding moments recently. Here's hoping that July brings many more feel-good moments.

Dating:

It isn't that I haven't been online. I have. And it isn't that I haven't received ridiculous emails from boys who can't compose a sentence. I have. And I'm sure there will be another post somewhere in the future to share more ridiculous emails. But for now I'm trying to focus on actually going on dates, and that has proven harder than I had originally thought. Turns out, lots of the guys who write to me are looking for penpals and notsomuch actual dates. I, on the other hand, am looking for dates. So there's a bit of disconnect there.

Also, what I've realized over the past few months as I've really come into my own in my work is that I'm really happy with where I am in my life. This isn't to say that I don't want to find someone to be my life-long partner in crime, but I'm not in a place where I feel like I need that person, and that feels very healthy to me. So it's not that I've lost my enthusiasm for looking for a significant other, but I guess I've lost some of the urgency.

Life:

I've really been focusing on self-care in this professionally trying month, and it's been paying off. I have managed to reconnect with a few old friends and get to know some new ones. I hosted a mini camp reunion last week the day that camp opened and helped a friend paint her new bedroom this past weekend. These connections also help me to feel whole and healthy and it has been wonderful for me to have new energy around my formerly-stagnant social life.

So that pretty much catches you all up on the happenings of Fibby. Thanks again to the few hearty readers who are still out there. I'll try to post more often next month.

A Gem

2009-06-18T09:11:00.003-04:00

I swear, people, I couldn't make these things up if I tried.

Message in my online dating inbox this am:

Subject: I apologize ahead of time...

... because you honestly sound very very sweet!! But you may have the absolute worst taste in music that I have ever ever heard!!(other than rap fans). Please don't be offended.

That was the entire message.

I am entirely bewildered by why anyone would bother to write and send such a message. If you're not interested in someone, just don't write. And if you are interested, isn't it a pretty well-known rule not to insult them in your first message?!?!

Scooper Bowl Wednesday

2009-06-11T22:38:00.003-04:00

This week the Jimmy Fund hosted its annual Scooper Bowl fundraiser - essentially, all-you-can-eat ice cream for $8. Unlike last year, the weather was not exactly the kind that made me crave ice cream. Then again, the ice cream didn't turn to soup, so I guess that was a plus.

This year, I sampled 17 flavors (once again, not full cups each time). Many were similar to last year and none were particularly outstanding. If I had to choose, I think Maine Lobster Tracks might win as my favorite with its "unique eclair crunch whirl", but the artificially red "lobster colored chocolate cups filled with a thick caramel" were pretty gross.

27th Annual Jimmy Fund Scooper Bowl Vendors:

Baskin-Robbins®

*Cotton Candy
*Rock 'n Pop Swirl
*York® Peppermint Pattie
*Premium Churned Light Raspberry Chip

Ben & Jerry's

Orange & Cream
*Oatmeal Cookie Chunk
*Chocolate Macadamia
*Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road

Breyers®

*Vanilla
*Coffee
*Cherry Vanilla
*Cookies & Cream

Brigham's® Ice Cream

Vanilla
Chocolate
*Confetti & Cream
Black Raspberry Frozen Yogurt

Edy's®

Coffee
*Take the Cake
Mint Chocolate Chip
Low Fat Caramel Praline Crunch Frozen Yogurt

Garelick Farms/Gifford’s®

Chocolate
Old Fashioned Vanilla
Mint Chocolate Chip Yogurt
*Maine Lobster Tracks

Häagen-Dazs®

*Zesty Lemon Sorbet
Chocolate
*Bailey's® Irish Cream
Vanilla Honey Bee

HP Hood®

New England Lighthouse Coffee
Cookie Dough Delight
Fenway Fudge
Maine Blueberry & Sweet Cream Frozen Yogurt

Spasso

Amaretto gelato
Dulce de Leche gelato
Chocolate gelato
Chocolate Chip gelato
Crema Café gelato
Lemon sorbet
Coconut sorbet
Mango gelato
Raspberry gelato
Zabaglione gelato
*Ginger gelato

The Good

2009-05-26T21:50:00.003-04:00

Some people have suggested that I was harsh in my last post... that I may have been quick to judge people who may be good matches for me, but who just don't happen to have good spelling or grammar skills.

But here's the thing: the way I see it, an online dating profile is essentially a job application of sorts - and, like a resume, it is responsible for first impressions. If I meet a guy at a bar I can base my first impression on his personality and looks and "je ne sais quoi", but when I "meet" someone online all I have to base my first impression on is his profile. If a guy can't be bothered to write more than three sentences to describe himself or to spell-check (especially after reading in my profile that that's something I value in a potential match), then I'm going to assume that he isn't all that serious about dating, which means that he is not going to be a good match for me.

Think I've set the bar impossibly high? Wondering what a good online response look like? It looks like this:

I'd like to think that I'm pretty well edumacated and am not a terabul speler. I'm a bit of a grammar dork myself. Am prone to the occasional mishap of a poorly constructed sentence with a dangling participle. ;)

or this...

If your interest is piqued, by all means...give me a shout back. And I think you have every right to be a grammar nerd. If people can't write 'you' in a message...what is the world coming to???

or this...

I just had to comment on your well-organized and laid out profile. It is very rare to see that on dating sites. People can't seem to spell or write well. Don't worry...I won't call you a nerd. Anyway, you sound like an interesting person. Write back if you'd like.

Ok, so those three all happen to have the theme of embracing and/or appreciating my nerdiness. But I guess that's kind of what I want from a potential date - a guy who reads through my profile, likes my quirkiness, and then takes the time to write and tell me so. Those are the guys who get a response from me.

Of course, there are still always going to be the weirdos...

I am a sensitive guy who can help you heal from any emotional wounds you experienced growing up as a child. This is what usually bonds a couple because the other person opens doors that imprisoned them psychologically.

The adventure continues...

New Online Site: not so gr8

2009-05-23T11:18:00.009-04:00

I recently joined yet another online dating site, which has proven to be a great source of entertainment for me in the past week.

In the first few days after I joined, I received such charming messages as these*:

Hi how r u?? I read your profile and would love to get to know you. Wanna get to know me???

hey whats up i like to chat wit u some more hit me back if ud like to talk

These messages (and many others like them) made me cringe, so I eventually added this to the bottom of my profile:

You Should Message Me If...

... my profile looks interesting to you and you think we might hit it off.

... you're looking for something more serious than a casual relationship.

... you can successfully and consistently type the full word "you" (instead of "u") when you write to me (yup - I'm a grammar nerd).

One might think that such clear instructions might solve my problems, but alas...

why dont u answer me :(

hmmmm… let me think…

Subject: but 'you' requires more effert than 'u'

I have bad hands thats why i write 'u' sometimes. Hope you can forgive me.

(Scores points for creativity, but... no.)

Hellooo....

I'm Chris

and you...r ADORABLE :)

(Not sure if that's supposed to be "you" "r" or "you're" but either way Chris, I can't bring myself to respond.)

And there are other spelling issues too:

Please be spontanious, passionet, happy, and an overall good person.

(self-explanatory)

I am looking for someone that I would be attracted too that is fun and outgoing.

(Subtle error, but still…)

I am a 40 year old teacher/coach with impeccable grammer, haha. Anyways, you seem nice and I'd like to talk more if you would.

(Ummmm... Coach? Your "grammer" might be fine, but your spelling, notsomuch.)

Then there are the punctuation (or lack thereof) issues...

Hi.i don't know why.I keep looking at you pic..

you look interesting?

see you soon.

(Perhaps the most creatively punctuated message I've ever received.)

hey whats i like your profile alot and was wondering if you would like to talk sometime if your interested let me know talk to you later bye

(easily the least punctuated message I've ever received)

Or the combination disaster messages:

I know what you mean. And its funny, Ive thought of abreviations; like "U" instead of you. And Ive' thought, maybe if your really trying to meet someone. For a lasting relationship. Using the word "you" is more well appropriate. If your in a chat room talking to whoever-whoever? thats ok:) Just funny that u mentioned that. I wonder if other guys are as enlightened about that?....probubly not like u said.

( silence )

Or just the really strange messages:

TOPIC ONE,TOPIC TWO,TOPIC THREE

Ok, Here are three sincere and fun topics for you from a true future friend and entertaining person in your neighborhood .... Massachusetts.

I will give you three interesting topics quickly ....

TOPIC ONE: I wrote this poem to a beautiful woman on here today because her profile gave me these feelings.

Feelings Of Spring

I Love The Beauty In your Eyes.

I Love The Vision Of your Mind.

I Love The Power Of Your Faith.

I Love The Innocence Of Your Youth.

I Love The Scent Of Your Body.

I Love The Passion In Your Heart.

I Love The Integrity Of Your Spirit.

I Love The Pleasure Of Your Touch.

TOPIC TWO: I am developing a Business Plan for a (DELETED) STARTUP Company where I am the CEO. So I study (DELETED) & (DELETED) & (DELETED) & (DELETED) these days.

TOPIC THREE: I was in a startup previously ... cashed out three Million ... took a few years off and spent it ...

.... so you can imagine how I feel now ....

.... like a goofball who spent 3 Million Dollars

having fun and enjoying life.

What kind of way to spend your life is that ;)

Write Me.

Aaron

(Oh, Aaron. Though I do love a poem sent to me but written for another, I’m going to have to pass.)

Despite the evidence above, there are a few men who have managed to pass my difficult screening process. No dates yet, but stay tuned for more adventures…

* All messages above copied and pasted with no alterations to spelling or grammar. Names and identifying details have been changed, however.

Three Years Out

2009-05-12T21:31:00.003-04:00

I remember this day so clearly. And the ones immediately following.

I remember hearing that Carolyn's birthday celebration had been cancelled, and then hearing that it was because Rosalie was in the hospital. I remember going into the hospital on a Wednesday night - not just to volunteer as I usually did - but to visit my friends whose daughter had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Their lives changed forever with that diagnosis, and mine did too. No longer were the families I volunteered with strangers... there was now a family I knew and loved among them.

I moved away from SF not long after Rosalie's diagnosis and surgery, but I see them every time I visit the Bay Area. And every time, I am amazed at the strength and determination of this incredible little girl and her equally incredible family members. I am touched by the closeness of Rosie and her sister. And I am inspired by the powerful love and encouragement of her parents. I feel honored to know them and to have shared in this journey even a little bit.

Sending much love to Rosie and her family on this anniversary. Keep up the good work, Rosie! We are all so very proud of you.

Anti-Tofu

2009-04-13T09:06:00.003-04:00

Colorado DMV Nixes TOFU Vanity Plate Citing Obscenity Concern

By Ernest Luning 4/8/09

The Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles turned down a request from a vegan driver to display ILVTOFU on a set of personalized license plates because the phrase could be constructed as obscene, Tom McGee reports in the Denver Post. "We don't allow FU because some people could read that as street language for sex," Department of Revenue spokesman Mark Couch told the Post.

Turns out the state plate arbiters forbid hundreds of letter combinations deemed too controversial or offensive, including ARS, SIN and PIG. The department occasionally convenes a committee to add to the verboten list "so that plates stay free of letters that abbreviate gang slang, drug terms, or obscene phrases made popular in text messaging," McGee reports.

That was news to Kelly Coffman-Lee, the 36-year-old Centennial woman who simply wanted to promote her love of soybean curd while tooling around town in her Suzuki. "My whole family is vegan so tofu is like a staple for us," she told the Post. "I was just going to have a cool license plate and the DMV misinterpreted my message."

Whether or not the DMV did the misinterpreting - after all, who doesn't LV TOFU? - the civil servants say their mission is to keep the streets clean. "Standard common practices are: any combination of letters or numbers that carry connotations offensive to good taste and decency, are misleading, offensive to the general public, or represent gang, drug, sex, racial terms," another Department of Revenue spokesman, Maren Rubino, told the Rocky Mountain News last summer when the list grew to include common text message shorthand, such as LOL, OMG, and WTF.

The Department of Revenue oversees the DMV, which, it turns out, really does contract with the Department of Corrections to hire state prisoners to make the plates, the Rocky's Kevin Flynn reported. More than a quarter-million vanity plate combinations are kept off the road by the policy, which has been in place since the early 1990s.

Think you can think like the DMV when it comes to WTF vanity plate combos? Take a stab at this nifty license plate game still lingering on the Rocky's website.

At the End of the Day

2009-04-10T19:21:00.005-04:00

There are some days when I leave work feeling energized and elated, and there are some days when I leave work feeling as though I've been punched in the gut. Particularly difficult are the nights I leave work not knowing if patients who were in critical condition when I left will still be there when I return.

In professions that deal regularly with matters of life and death, there is a significant amount of self-care that practitioners must do in order to keep from burning out. People often think of self-care as being something extravagant like getting a massage. But actually, self-care can be as simple as turning one's pager off and leaving work on time.

At the end of days like today, I have a lot of ambivalence about leaving my work behind. I know that the only way I can continue to do my job well is to take time away from it and all of the intensity and stress it brings, but I get so invested in the patients and families that it's difficult for me to leave them when I know they are struggling. Can they get by without my support? Of course. But if I can relieve their stress or ease their sorrow or help in any way, I want to do so, and it's difficult for me to walk away. But in order to have the energy and strength to return to work each morning, I must leave work at night and try to put out of my mind the scary and sad realities that these families are facing 24/7, with no option to escape.

It has taken some time and practice, but most of the time I can do it. However, some days I find that my walk home at the end of the day has not cleared my head, and I am still weighted down with the reality of what I see every day.

Last night, after a difficult day at work, I returned home and checked blog updates before I went to sleep. I clicked on flotsamblog - one of my favorites - only to find this post. It was a punch-in-the-gut reminder to me that even when babies survive through prematurity and families bring them home from the hospital - even when they are many months and even years out from having been in a hospital - they are still fragile, and there are no guarantees.

When I returned to work this morning that reminder weighed heavily on me. And as I saw my patients struggle with their individual battles, I said silent prayers for each of them that they might leave our hospital healthy and never return.

I never knew Maddie Spohr or her parents, but from what I have read, there was a lot to love. The online community of Maddie's friends and supporters has raised over $22,000 in her honor for the March of Dimes as well as additional funds through PayPal to support her parents during this unthinkably difficult time. I am moved to tears when I think of the loss of such a small and joyful little life - and then moved to tears again to see the widespread reaction and incredible outpouring of support and love within the blogging world.

Last night my work and my outside life collided, and at the end of today I am left still reeling from the impact.

"The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight... but every time we think we've measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless." -TWW

Hair Woes: An Update

2009-03-24T21:32:00.003-04:00

THANK YOU to all you wonderful, concerned friends who made great suggestions for places where I might get a good haircut in the Boston-metro area. Because I was eager to have this problem fixed sooner rather than later, I took Melissa's suggestion of Twilight Salon, which is conveninetly located near one of the hospital shuttle drop-off points, and which has late hours. I saw Lisa tonight at 7pm and not only did she convince me that she had a vision for my hair and that she was confident that she could cut it, but she was also a stellar conversationalist. Bonus.

I walked out of there with a shorter (admittedly, shorter than anticipated), sassy 'do that I was happy with. It hasn't been washed yet, so tomorrow will be the true test of what it really looks like, and whether or not I will return to Twilight or head to one of the many recommended salons from my previous post when it comes time to cut again. At any rate, I'm appreciative of all of you who took time out of your busy lives to care about my hair woes. I'll try to post about something more interesting soon.

Hair Woes

2009-03-22T21:08:00.013-04:00

When I moved to San Francisco I had very short hair, and wanted to grow it out. My friend recommended her hair stylist, a quirky and very detail-oriented woman named Nancy. Nancy eased the transition from this*:

... to this:

... to this:

... to this:

... to this:

Each time I visited Nancy, she would take time to examine my hair, comment on how difficult it was to cut and what personality it had, and then get to work re-shaping it from an unflattering helmet-head to a stylish 'do. I trusted her and was never disappointed (except when she'd take hours to do a relatively simple cut, but that's a post for another day).

I had never thought of my hair as "difficult" or "with personality" - it was just straight, blond hair so how difficult could it be!? But after cutting it short and going through millions of awkward stages as it grew long again, I learned that straight hair is trickier than I ever realized.

When I moved to Boston, I knew that finding a replacement for Nancy would be difficult, but I had no idea it would be impossible. I have now lived here for nearly three years, and I have yet to find someone who has cut my hair well enough that I return for a second cut. Maybe I give too much direction. Maybe I don't give enough. I've tried cheap salons and expensive ones, all with the same result: a disappointing hair cut that either requires that I return for a fix (that is still not near perfect, but better than the original cut), or let it grow out in the hopes that the next cut is better.

Today, I got yet another bad haircut and continued the trend. I am not going to return, because I don't have confidence that it can be fixed by the woman who cut it. So now I face the task of finding a hair salon that can take my bad haircut and make it better. I'm not even looking for someone to fix it and make it look good. I'll settle (as I have since I moved here) for a tolerable cut. I've given up on having an easy wash-and-go cut like I've had in the past. That's now a pipe dream. But getting a haircut that doesn't look blocky or stringy or heavy or awkwardly layered seems like it should be an achievable goal, no? A girl can dream...

*For the record, photos above don't show the most awkward of the growing out phases, as I don't have any digital photos of those phases to upload. If anyone has any good spike-y haired photos circa 2002/2003, please send them my way and I'll add them to this post.

Slow Times

2009-03-10T21:36:00.000-04:00

There are 27 beds on my unit, and usually we have around 20 that are filled. Last week we had numbers in the mid-teens, and today we had 12. Tomorrow, four of those kiddos are going home or back to the hospitals from which they came, which means that if we have no admissions overnight, we'll be down to eight.

So what I'm saying is things are a little slow at work.

Things have also been slow outside of work. The cold that I got almost two weeks ago kept me in bed for the first weekend I had it, and then kept me from making social plans that following week so that I could get home and go to bed. Just as the sickness was leaving, it came back for Round II: The Sinus Version, so I've been fighting that for the past few days.

Highlights of this mostly-uneventful past few weeks include:

- Learning to tie a bow tie. My dad, my uncle, my cousin and I all stood around the computer screen, watching multiple videos on how to tie a bow tie and then practicing on ourselves and each other. My mom and aunt watched with amusement.

- Cleaning my room. A real top-to-bottom cleaning that included mopping the floor. It makes me happy to come home to a clean room. A simple, inexpensive gift to myself.

- Scheduling a second date. Yes, Good First Date Guy (GFDG) will be making a second appearance in this fair city in the later part of this week for date #2.

As you can see, there's a reason I haven't posted much lately. Hopefully things will perk up soon.

One of Those Weeks

2009-02-27T21:17:00.003-05:00

I can't remember the last time I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. It's been a while. So I guess I was due?

Monday brought a cryptic email from my supervisor telling me that she needed to meet with me regarding a "patient relations issue". It turned out to be nothing bad, but I spent the entire day with a knot in my stomach trying to figure out what I might have done wrong and/or what family might have had a complaint about my work. Not a great way to start the week.

Tuesday I was paged before I even got into work about a family situation that had escalated to a near crisis point. By the time I arrived at work (10 minutes early, thankyouverymuch), the family had already left, but there was much de-briefing to do about how this matter was handled and how to prevent a similar situation in the future. And though absolutely no one blamed me for what had taken place, I felt awful that I hadn't been there to help during an incredibly difficult situation.

Wednesday, I started getting sick. The "oh no, my throat hurts and I know what that means" kind of sick where you know no matter how much zinc/vitamin c/echinacea you take, it's still going to get you.

Thursday I stayed home sick from work. I also received an unexpected email that has left me feeling unsettled and grumpy for the past 24 hours.

And today I realized mid-day that the grant proposal I have been working on that is due March 2nd is due on MONDAY because February is a short month. I also realized when I went to pay my credit card bill at 8pm tonight that it wouldn't get posted until March 2. It's due the 1st. And when I called the company to ask if there was anything I could do, and they said, "yes, go to this website and you can pay it until 11:59pm tonight and it will still post today", I then realized that the credit card with the number I would need to be able to pay it online, was on my desk at work.

So it's been that kind of week. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

But there have been glimmers of goodness in the week too: one of my favorite kiddos coming back to our unit for a few days, getting to hold that same kiddo's twin brother while he smiled at me with all his might, caring comments from friends when they found out I was sick, free lunch today (there IS such thing as a free lunch, people, there IS!), and an honest-to-goodness, rock-solid GOOD first date. Yes, you read that correctly. In the midst of my hellish week, I went on a date, and that date was good.

The Hard Part

2009-02-16T10:28:00.004-05:00

So I went on date #3 last night with a guy that I've been on the fence about. I was looking for a sign or a moment or something that told me that he was a guy I should see more of, but none of those ever came. He's a guy who on paper is exactly what I'm looking for. We had great conversation and food, but there was that intangible something missing...

And so now I have to tell him that I'm not interested.

Twice in the past month since I started my dating frenzy, I have had to tell men that I wasn't interested in them. But both those emails happened after the first date, which made it easier (aside: I only ever email the "thanks but no thanks" sentiment - never make a phone call - when it's early in the phase of online dating. I learned this lesson the hard way by being on the receiving end of a very awkward phone call from a guy who was telling me he wasn't interested after two dates. It was awful and left me awkwardly trying to scramble for words in a conversation I wasn't expecting to have, and since them I have only ever used email to deliver that news).

The challenge here is that I'm nice... too nice, perhaps. Both in person, and apparently also in my "no thank you" emails. After the worst date I have ever been on, my friends (who were sitting right near us) (no, he didn't know) came up to me and said, "So, was it good?!" and when I stared at them incredulously, they said, "But you looked like you were having such a good time!" It was then I realized that I might be too good at faking my enthusiasm while on a date. The thing is, I really do like people, and I enjoy getting to know them and what makes them tick - even the people I am not remotely interested in dating are interesting to me. But I think that my interest in getting to know them as people might often be misinterpreted as interest in wanting to date them and then I get myself into trouble.

Of the two men I've said "no thanks" to most recently, one was told that I just "didn't feel that extra something" and the other was told that I had found someone else I really clicked with and I wanted to explore where that went. Both emails were written honestly and kindly, and in both instances, the guys came back asking for a second chance (one immediately and one after a few weeks).

I don't think 3rd-date-guy is the type who would beg for a second chance. But I do think he'll be disappointed when he gets this email. And it makes me feel yucky to know that I will be the cause of that disappointment. It won't stop me from writing the email that needs to be written, but it does make me feel bad because I know how crummy it feels to get those emails.

This is the hard part about dating.

Feast or Famine

2009-02-11T22:47:00.002-05:00

When you're single and going on lots of unsuccessful dates, you're told over and over again "you'll find someone when you're not looking". But when you stop looking and take a break from dating, you feel frustrated that you aren't being proactive about trying to find someone to date. It's difficult to find a balance.

I tend to swing from one extreme to the other in a "feast or famine" pattern:

a) A flurry of online dating leads to many first dates, few or no second dates, and eventually I burn out.

b) I take a break from dating and forget for a while that I care about finding a life partner, but eventually decide that I would not like to be alone forever.

c) Rinse and repeat.

Right now, after a slew of bad or simply "meh" dates, I am finding myself with a "feast" of seemingly interesting and date-worthy men to choose from. I have gone from being the girl who goes home after work every night, watches tv and goes to bed, to the girl who actually has to check her calendar regularly to be sure she doesn't forget about a date. It's nice to feel proactive about my dating life, but it's exhausting too.

As it stands right now, I am going on a third date with "Jim" this Sunday night, a second date with "Daniel" next Tuesday night, and a possible first date with "Mike" on either Saturday or Sunday during the day. Plus, I'm going to a singles night at a bar in Harvard Square with my friends on Saturday night.

Feast!

And hopefully one of these men is someone worthy of a second, third, and perhaps the all-elusive FOURTH date.

But if none of these dates pan out into anything, I'll give myself a break and put a pause on my formal search. And maybe then my special someone will unexpectedly show up and sweep me off my feet.

And if/when I get tired of waiting around, I'll go back to online dating.

A friend recently commented that she admired my stamina. It's a delicate balance of optimism, determination, energy, and reality that blend together to keep me going. And seeing so many others who have found their partners. Yes, sometimes it makes me jealous, but mostly it makes me hopeful. And the hope is what keeps the cycle going.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Peace

2009-02-04T22:40:00.002-05:00

It happened today and I am left with a mix of emotions unlike any I've felt from a job before. I am relieved and I am sad, but mostly I am grateful to and proud of the incredible team of medical professionals who came together to support this family and who spent the past two days tirelessly at their side, so that they would not face this death alone.

I have so much more to write, but am falling asleep at the keyboard from exhaustion.

Thank you all for your wonderful words of support these past few weeks, and for the face-to-face time with friends that has helped me practice self-care and get through this all in one piece.

Go in Peace

2009-01-29T20:18:00.004-05:00

A typical stay on my unit in the hospital can last from a week or two to a few months. Rarely do we get patients who stay with us for more than that. Naturally, the longer a patient is with us, the more we all (nurses, doctors, social workers, etc.) bond with the family.

One might imagine that the main purpose of ICU interventions is to do everything possible to save lives. That is true to a certain extent, but an equally important role of the ICU medical team is to decide when there is no longer anything that can be done to improve a patient's health, and to help the family through the difficult decisions and experiences that follow. Usually, this happens in a predictable way: families have been kept up-to-date on the patients' progress, and are not surprised when the medical team comes to them with a discussion about end-of-life issues. But there are some times when family members are not on the same page as the medical team... and some times when family members are not on the same page as each other. In those cases, it is our job as a team to help families get to a place where they are able to let their dying family members go.

Today, after months of medical updates, ethics consults, and intense conversations, we managed to get two family members who were not on the same page about how to care for a patient to agree on how to move forward. And though I think many of us on the medical team (and some family members) felt great relief to know that the family and the medical team were finally in agreement about what was best for this patient, there was also a great feeling of sadness to realize what that meant.

There are many sobering moments in my line of work, but none so sobering as when we see families make the selfless decision to let go of a loved one who is suffering. The "easy" choice is to keep a loved on alive at all costs. It is much more difficult to recognize when the pain and suffering felt by a person being kept alive by artificial means outweighs the pain and suffering that the surviving family members will be left with after that person's death.

These next few days will not be easy. For the first time in this job, I have offered to come into work over the weekend if I am needed. I do not pretend for a moment that this family with whom I have spent at least an hour every working day for the past few months will go quietly from my mind after their loved one has died. They have become a part of my daily routine, and I can already imagine the tug I'll feel at my heart when I walk by their room and it is empty or occupied by a new patient. But as I came to accept long before the family, this patient is ready to go, and will find peace soon in a way that was never found in this lifetime.

Go in peace, sweet one. Go in peace.

Thank You, Boston.com

2009-01-29T20:11:00.001-05:00

Those folks over there at boston.com are looking out for me!

2009

2009-01-26T20:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not one for new year's resolutions usually. I can never think of anything good and am not all that interested in keeping whatever resolutions I have attempted to make... usually. This year is different. I have made a bunch of small resolutions and one kind of big one. In an effort to hold myself responsible, I will share them with you:

The Small Ones:

1. I will answer my phone more often.

I have a rule that if I don't have time to talk to someone, I don't answer my phone. I hate it when I call people and they answer by saying "Hey - I can't talk right now, can I call you later?" (If you can't talk, don't pick up. I'd be happy to leave a message.) Anyway, my resolution has nothing to do with that rule really - I still plan to not answer my phone if I can't talk. But if I can talk and I'm just tired... if I've had a long day and my phone rings and I look at it and think "I'm just not sure I want to talk with anyone right now" - that's what this resolution is for. Usually I just look at my phone and think "I don't have the energy to talk with anyone right now" and then I don't answer. But what I know about myself is that if I do pick up the phone and I talk with a friend and spend a few minutes connecting and laughing and communicating with another human being, 99% of the time I hang up the phone with more energy than I had before the phone rang.

2. I will drink more tea.

The main drive behind this is that I purchased quite a bit of loose-leaf tea as part of a Christmas gift, and kept half of all I purchased. Also, I like tea.

3. I will work harder to make new friends.

I have spent a lot of time since moving to Boston lamenting the fact that I don't have a group of friends here like I did in San Francisco. I have many friends here - good friends - but no group. I remember back to my days in SF when someone would send out an email mid-day asking if anyone wanted to meet up for drinks, and there would always be at least a few takers. It was just so easy. Many of my friends here live outside the city, or have kids or husbands who keep them from being able to be available at short notice like that. So my friends here are not available like my friends in SF were. They are good friends and I'm not interested in getting rid of them, but I do need to increase the number of people in my life I can call on a whim and ask to hang out. So this year I will make new friends and renew my efforts with my old friends as well.

4. I will blog at least once a week.

There are people out there (you know who you are) who require weekly updates to know I'm still alive (you could call... I'll be more likely to answer). Also, writing is good for me. I think I got a little burned out after NaBloPoMo, but once a week really isn't all that often and I always feel so accomplished after I post. Also, I want to change the design of my blog, so hopefully that happens sooner rather than later.

And The Big One:

I will not make any unnecessary/impulse purchases for three months.

After tracking my spending over a few of the fall months, it became clear that much of my spending was not planned spending, and it added up. I want to get a handle on my finances and be more aware of where my hard-earned money goes. I have given myself $100 to spend over the three months because I know things come up, but that's all I get. I am allowed to spend money on food (including restaurants, within reason) (note to self, when a guy volunteers to pay for a date, SAY YES!), gas, and other necessities (toothpaste, shampoo, etc.). Unnecessary/impulse purchases include clothing, make-up, crafting supplies, and any random object found during a trip to the grocery store that gets tossed into my cart without any thought as to whether or not I actually need it.

So there are my goals for 2009. I've got more, but these are the ones I really hope to stick with. Now that it's nearly a month past New Year's, what resolutions have you all made? What have you stuck with?

Happy 2009 everyone. I'll write again within the week.

Just a Few More

2009-01-09T19:57:00.003-05:00

What are you most passionate about?

"Larning"

"Lots of useless stuff"

What is the first thing people probably notice about you?

"I'm interested in what they're saying... usually, mostly."

What are some things you can't live without?

"My credit cards"

(Matches closed.)

Really?

2008-12-22T08:42:00.003-05:00

A few highlights from my matches from the past few days:

Describe the most influential person in your life:

"My grandmother was a wise woman full of wisdom."

The last book you read and enjoyed:

"I was home for the holidays and red all the Dr. Seuss books that I had as a child."

(apparently neither the books nor the question prompt helped him to spell "read" correctly)

What are you most passionate about?

"football traveling"

(unclear if this is traveling to watch football, or there might be a comma missing)

How do you usually spend your leisure time?

"football traveling movie"

(yes, same person)

What do you wish more people would notice about you?

"I'm proud of the big mole on my back."

(Matches closed.)

Eh?

2008-12-17T22:12:00.002-05:00

So sometimes even the good-seeming ones have some funny typos. I'll preface this with the fact that I'm not sure it's a typo, but I'm also not sure how to ask for clarification on this, so I welcome all suggestions in the comments section.

The sentence in question is "my sister and I always enjoy playing cards with our dad and her husband".

Fascinating.

2008-12-17T08:47:00.003-05:00

The most influential person in one of my daily match's life has been "The girls basketball at the school that I used to coach at. She taught me to respect your peers and members of the team."

A basketball with the ability to impart life lessons... certainly influential, but a "person"? Hmmmm... Is this match aware that readers might be concerned about his mental health with an answer like that? (or are you all just concerned for my mental health due to my obsession with grammar and typos?)

It's a Small, Small World

2008-12-11T20:54:00.004-05:00

Today I was talking about going home to Smalltown, ME for Christmas, and a nurse overheard the conversation and said, "Are you from Maine?"

"Yes," I said, "I am."

"Where?"

"Smalltown?" I responded, wondering if she knew of it.

She paused and stared at me.

"What street?"

"Wait - you're from Smalltown too?!" I asked.

"Yes - what street did you live on?"

"Valley Street."

"What number?"

"Wait - you're kidding, right?

"No - that was the street I grew up on - what number were you at?"

"43."

"Seriously? My parents' house was 63."

So I described to her where my parents' house is, and she described to me where her parents' house was. But I still didn't have a clear picture of which house, exactly, it was. I asked her if her parents were still there. She told me they had both passed away in the past seven years. She said they had moved away from Smalltown in the mid 1990s, which means my family lived on Valley Street when they were still there. The nurse said she bet my parents probably knew her parents.

"My parents are the F's. I'm Meghan F."

"WHAT!?"

"You knew them?"

Not only did I know who the nurse's parents were, but we went to the same church for a few months.

And not only did we go to the same church, but we had Easter dinner with them one year.

And not only THAT (here's the real kicker), but the nurse's parents - my former neighbors - were the grandparents of a guy I went to grade school with when I lived in Smalltown, NH before my family moved to Smalltown, ME.

So not only did the nurse I work with grow up in the same town as I did, she is also the aunt of a classmate of mine from grade school in NH and the daughter of my former neighbors in ME.

Crazy.

I'm still shaking my head.

Another Gem

2008-12-11T08:57:00.003-05:00

From this morning's batch of matches comes a man from Boston, MA whose occupation is "spend more to make more" and whose one and only photo was a picture of him from the back, wearing nothing but a bathing suit, and, based on what I can only imagine from the small size of the photo, peeing.

Not really sure what kind of woman this guy is looking for, but I am pretty sure I'm not it.

(Match closed.)

Aaaaand, we're back!

2008-12-10T08:58:00.003-05:00

For all your reading pleasure, and so I can once again feel proactive about my dating life, I have re-joined the online dating world.

This morning a few new matches were delivered to my inbox, and one jumped right out at me. It was from a man who lives just across the river in "Cambridgte". Reading more, I learned that he is thankful for being "A live" and "Healty" and that he wishes more people would notice his "goog humor". According to dictionary.com, "goog" is Australian for "egg" so perhaps he's from Australia and has really good egg humor. But I doubt it.

Is it really so hard to spell-check one's profile answers before they get posted? I think not.

(Match closed.)

Ten Years

2008-12-03T22:00:00.004-05:00

The night of December 3rd, 1998, an all-female college a cappella group stood singing in a small dorm room in Vermont. They sang a song called “Heaven” and then stepped out into the hallway. Moments later, one of the girls collapsed for no apparent reason. The energy in the tiny hallway went from joy to panic as the women realized that their friend was in trouble. Hours later, after the young woman had been taken to the hospital and the rest of the group sat waiting in the chapel for word on her condition, the news arrived: she had died.

I was in that a cappella group, and it was my friend Christine who died. And that night changed my life forever.

Tonight marks the 10th anniversary of the night Christine died. It is a reminder to me that each of us has a limited time on this planet, and what we do with that time is what defines us. Christine filled her life with laughter and light. At her memorial service, a friend told a story about going on a road trip with her when her car started making a "ding" noise that could not be silenced. Rather than get annoyed, Christine discovered that Madonna songs had the same beat as the dinging sound, and so the two road trippers happily blasted Madonna the whole way home.

In her life and after her death, Christine taught me the importance of living life with joy and a healthy sense of humor. She also taught me the importance of surrounding myself with people who love and support me and who I can love and support in return. She taught me that as cliche as it might sound, life can be short, and the choices I make every day about how I spend my time and who I spend it with are important.

I know that I would not be where I am today if it weren't for Christine. The hours, days, weeks and months following her death taught me about the incredible support professionals can add to the grief and healing process, and pointed me towards my career in social work. Today I am fortunate to be able to provide support to others going through challenging times, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel Christine's presence in all that I do.

Next week we will share in a celebration of her life with family and friends. But tonight I light a candle and give thanks for Christine and the lasting impact of her short life.

November 30

2008-11-30T22:07:00.008-05:00

Today is my parents’ anniversary. Thirty-four years ago they married.

It is also the anniversary of the day my sister joined our family.

I used to joke that I was the only person in our family who didn’t have anything to celebrate on this date, but really nothing could be further from the truth.

Though I was an only child for the first 4 1/2 years of my life, I don’t remember my childhood without my sister in it. She and I had the usual sibling ups and downs over the years, but no matter if we were on opposite sides of the country or opposite sides of the world, we have been there for each other.

And my parents… I can say with confidence that I wouldn’t be here without them (ha ha ha), but I can also say that I wouldn’t be who I am without them. They are kind and thoughtful and smart and funny and compassionate and giving of themselves and I like to think that I’ve learned or inherited many of those qualities from them.

Happy anniversary to my family. I love you.

Together Again

2008-11-29T23:14:00.001-05:00

Today my mother returned from her travels and our family was reunited. I have many more thoughts that will come out over the next few days, but for now I'll just say I'm glad to have my whole family together again.

PSA: Drunk Editor Edition

2008-11-28T16:42:00.004-05:00

One of the fun parts about being home with my dad is that we share a similar sense of humor. We had a good laugh at this insert from our local paper this morning:

Home

2008-11-27T09:08:00.003-05:00

There's something about coming home...

Every time I return to my parent's house, my life slows down. And this is a good thing. I run myself ragged most of the time, and so to have a place to go and enjoy a slower pace of life is a really good thing.

In years past I have written long blog posts with lists of all that I am thankful for. This year, I am keeping it simple.

I am, as always, thankful for family and friends, for laughter and hugs. I am thankful for having a job that allows me to give so much of myself to others. I am thankful for the number of amazing people in my life (both old and very young) who give so much meaning to my life every day.

But on this day, this year, I am most thankful for the feelings of love and peace and quiet I get from being home with my family in small-town Maine.

Heading Home

2008-11-26T18:51:00.002-05:00

I am heading home to Maine for Thanksgiving. I hope to post more once I'm there, but if I don't get more written tonight, at least I've posted for today.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

Things That Made Me Laugh Today

2008-11-25T11:51:00.003-05:00

1. For some reason, as I was signing into my email this morning, I remembered back to when I was 8 or so. I was with my dad and we were signing in at some event. My dad signed himself in and then let me sign my own name, but somehow I got distracted while writing, and my sign-in name was "Phoebe Choebe" It made me laugh then, and it made me laugh now.

2. This is a photo I actually received yesterday. It made me laugh when I got it, and again when I opened it up to make it my desktop wallpaper at work.

History Repeats Itself

2008-11-24T23:01:00.003-05:00

Ten years ago, I had a string of months in which many bad things happened to people I loved. These were my first experiences with tragedy, major medical challenges, and death and they all happened to people I knew well and cared for very much.

A year after that, just before Thanksgiving, a friend of mine from summer camp died. I was just about to head home for the weekend with my college roommate, and received a phone call telling me of this loss. I spent the better part of the weekend in shock and on the phone with camp friends, which apparently gave my college roommate a lot of time to talk with my parents.

Last night, I talked with this college roommate and updated her on all the tragic things that have happened to people I love in the past month. She remembered back to that Thanksgiving nine years ago and told me about a conversation she had with my mother.

My mother, thinking back over my experiences throughout the past year, had said to my roommate something to the effect of, "it's hard to imagine all these bad things happening to people Phoebe knows... but Phoebe just knows so many people."

I laughed when she told me this, because it's true. And the truth is that I wouldn't trade all the wonderful people I know (tragic situations and all) for anything in the world. And I wouldn't trade being able to be there for the wonderful people I know (tragic situations and all) for anything in the world either.

Family

2008-11-23T21:24:00.005-05:00

I spent the better part of my 4 hour trip from NYC to Boston trying to compose this blog post, but no words can express the sadness, shock, and disbelief that I am feeling after hearing of the death of a relative this past weekend.

I debated posting about this because it feels like a more private thing than I typically like to share on this public blog, and I didn't want to put it up for comment. But I can't think of anything but this right now, and it feels too significant to not write about.

I hadn't seen this cousin in many years due to the great geographic distance between us, and we weren't really in touch because our lives had taken us in different directions. But we were relatives, so there was a bond and a love that was there even when communication was not. I always got updates on her life from her family members and would think back fondly to time spent together at summer camp and family reunions.

I always thought she was so cool because she was a few years older than I was, and I felt so proud when she'd let me hang out with her. We once spent the better part of an afternoon at one of our family reunions riding the elevator and seeing if we could get through the chorus of "Leaving on a Jet Plane" before the doors opened. The challenge was that we could only sing when no one else was in the elevator, and we never knew when the elevator was going to stop to pick up new passengers (it was a rather fancy resort we were at, so we definitely couldn't have kept singing with other people in there with us). It sounds like a ridiculous game, and it probably was, but it kept us entertained for a long stretch of time.

I spent the afternoon yesterday with another cousin in NYC and it was she who received the news first. Silently, we made our way back to her place, where we proceeded to make calls to our parents to get more information. And as the evening wore on, there were many moments I found myself grateful to be in the presence of a family member who shared my family history.

I received an email today from a close family member that both brought me to tears and comforted me with its simple message:

Sometimes when we experience terrible tragedies, there is goodness that appears through acts of kindness... Stick together and love each other.

So let this be a reminder to all of you out there to hold your children, spouses, partners, siblings, parents, and friends extra close tonight. Make sure they know how much they mean to you and how loved they are. And make sure to love yourselves, too, while you're at it.

Let your love cover me

Like a pair of angel wings

You are my family

-Dar Williams

Dream On

2008-11-22T09:43:00.003-05:00

Last night I had a dream that I was walking with a friend in the park, and we saw/heard two cars flying through the air maybe half a mile from where we stood. They crashed to the ground (though we could not see where they landed) and then debris started raining down on all the people in the park so we were running away and covering our heads all at the same time. We were all ok, though, in the end.

I have seen no movies with flying/crashing cars, nor have I been in a park recently.

I am completely open to interpretations on this one.

Fibby's Trip to the Big City

2008-11-21T21:56:00.002-05:00

After 6 hours of travel (7 if you count my cab ride to South Station this afternoon), I am finally settled in NYC.

Special thanks to Babs, for giving me lessons on how to navigate the New York City subway. I've mastered up-town/down-town travel. Tomorrow: cross-town.

Grumpy and in Pain

2008-11-20T07:09:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I went to a class at my gym. I had actually attended the class the week before, but it was being taught by a substitute instructor, so I wanted to go back and see if the class was any better when taught by the "real" instructor.

I'm not sure if it's something about this gym or what, but all three of the instructors were awful. So this rant will serve as the rough draft of the letter of complaint I now feel justified in writing (I wanted to write after the first class I attended, but felt like I should attend a few more before complaining).

I've been really lucky to be a member at some incredible gyms in the past. My favorite, the JCC in San Francisco, was just a block and a half from my house and had the most incredible instructors I have ever experienced. They were full of energy and enthusiasm and watching them stand up there in front of us doing everything they were asking us to do was inspiring and motivating. They also used the music as a way to pace the class - we lifted weights to the beat and did lunges to the beat. I like that, as it gives me something to concentrate on, other than the pain in my legs/arms/stomach/wherever.

The classes at my current gym are nothing like that. In none of the classes did the instructor make use of the beat of the music. In only one of the three classes did the instructor demonstrate what he wanted us to do. But even then, he demonstrated and then stopped to watch us all.

Two out of three instructors did the exercises too fast. When you're in a conditioning class that involves lunges and squats and such, form is pretty important. Also, it is my understanding that if you do the exercises more slowly, they will challenge your muscles more, which is a good thing. These instructors had us doing things so quickly that form was completely ignored.

All three instructors barked orders to the class attendees. There was no description of what they expected us to do, and no demonstration. The instructor said something like "Ok, it's time for Jackknives now!" and the people in the room who had attended class before and knew what the hell a "Jackknife" was would start doing it, then the instructor would yell at the class for not all doing it, and then we'd have to start over again.

In all classes, instructors did not clearly delineate the various levels of difficulty of each of the exercises. In any good gym class, instructors start off by saying "this is what I'm asking you to do" and they demonstrate. Then they often will say "this is a modified way to do this that makes it easier" and "this is a modified way to do this that makes it more difficult" and THEN the good instructor will say "you choose which of these fits your level and do it."

In all classes, instructors recognized that there were new faces in the class, but then did nothing to modify the teaching style to accommodate the new people. For example, in my first awful class, we were asked to do lunges... on not one, but TWO Bosus. We were expected to have our back foot on a Bosu with the ball-side-up, and our front foot on a Bosu with the flat-side-up and to balance and lunge at the same time. For the six of us who were new (for the record, about 1/3 of the class), just balancing in that position was difficult. Some people managed to get a few lunges in, but none of them had good form. How hard would it have been for the instructor to have offered us a choice of how we could do our lunges so that we could actually do lunges instead of balancing for the entire time?

Tonight, at a class in which the instructor did not demonstrate a thing and just yelled instructions to everyone, I got yelled at for doing leg lifts on my right side before my left. When I informed the instructor that the woman in the front (who he had used to demonstrate sit-ups earlier, so I thought she was a good person to watch) was doing leg lifts with her right leg first, he shrugged and then went over and stood above her and shouted "LEFT leg first!"

Does it really matter? As long as I'm switching legs, I'm working them both out equally, right?

I realize that there are many more important things in the world to be outraged about, but I'm paying good money for my gym membership I want to be able to enjoy going there. Exercise is my most effective self-care strategy, and I don't want my gym to be a place that brings me additional stress. Too much to ask? Perhaps, but I'm not ready to give up quite yet.

One More, For Good Measure

2008-11-19T08:52:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I focused a lot of my bad poetry on my bedroom ceiling back in the day...

I hear giggling through the ceiling

One floor up a man and a woman lie

Having just come home from a night on the town

Or having just eaten dinner or just made love

And though I cannot hear the words, I can hear the tone

And it is sweet and full of love

And I am full of jealousy because you have such love and happiness

And at the same time,

I want to scream

SHUT UP! Don't you know you keep me up at night with that noise!?

Angst-Ridden Poetry of My Younger Days

2008-11-18T08:58:00.001-05:00

My cousin shared that her favorite form of self-care is to do bad watercolors while watching old movies, which reminded me that there was a time in my past when I wrote really bad poetry as an outlet for my emotions. So this morning before breakfast I dug out my old journal and read through some of the poems.

There's quite a collection, and some of it is really bad ("I'm sitting next to the fire, but I'm shivering, and I can't tell if it's the fault of the open door or my numb heart"). I am throwing out any bit of ego I might have had to share these next few gems with you, but it's worth it for the laugher I know I'm bringing to the world.

I. Water Stain (absolutely the worst poem ever written)

There is a water stain on my ceiling

It just showed up one day

Or did it?

When I saw it

I wasn't sure

If it had just appeared

Or if it had been there all along and only just been noticed

The building manager says

That once it is dry up there between

The ceiling

And the floor above

He'll tear it all out and replace it

But I don't see how one could tear out

Only a little ceiling (or floor)

And wall (since it dripped down)

Without making a terrible mess

Funny thing, but just after noticing the stain

I found myself noticing you, who just showed up one day

Or did you?

Perhaps you were there all along

Either way, I like you better than the stain

And hope you'll stay

Long after the ceiling that is my upstairs neighbor's floor

Gets a makeover

II.

I'm not sure what that was...

The one-night stand

The emails

The phone calls

But I do know that I enjoyed it

And that I haven't giggled like that

In bed

On the phone

As I walk down the street

In a very long time

So thank you

III. Pittsburgh

"A companion," she said, "is all I want

someone to laugh with and talk with anytime"

"An on-call cuddler," I suggested

And she laughed and agreed

And though we're thousands of miles away

All of the sudden, we feel so close

Together in our alone-ness

...

And as I hold the phone to my ear

A thousand miles away, I hear a sob

And from a thousand miles away, I extend my arms

And wrap them around her

And the distance between us disappears

and for a moment

we are not alone

IV. Bird

Once there was a girl, who I will call "Bird"

(for that is what I called her, actually)

And I loved her

(for she was my friend)

And that girl is all grown up

(well mostly, anyway)

And I still call her "Bird" and I still love her

(for she is still my friend)

V. Banoffee

You burned yourself tonight

I heard the crash and yelp

from my seat on the couch

And I jumped up and ran to the kitchen

To see you with your finger under the cold running water

cursing

And then I went and sat back down

For there was nothing I could do but watch

And I was pretty sure you didn't want an audience

But I do know that the dessert which you are making

(and for which you sacrificed the use of your finger for the next week)

Is going to be quite tasty.

VI.

I love fiercely

I live scared

What am I scared of?

That someone might love me fiercely back?

Or that he won't?

Self Care

2008-11-17T20:18:00.000-05:00

I spend a lot of time at work encouraging parents to practice self care. I remind them to take care of themselves so that they can best take care of their children. I try to do the same for myself, but sometimes I forget to make time.

Going to the gym, crawling into my pre-warmed bed (thank you, mattress pad warmer) and watching House episodes, forcing myself to go out for drinks/dinner with friends after work even when I'm exhausted, and getting a full night's sleep are all things I do for self care. But lately, my self care standards haven't been doing it for me, so I'm opening it up for new ideas.

What do you, my wise and well-cared-for readers do for self-care? All suggestions welcome.

No Words

2008-11-16T20:20:00.001-05:00

I just came back from a wonderful weekend in Maine to some bad news about a friend who experienced a devastating loss this weekend. I am at a loss for words as to what to say to my friend, and even more at a loss for words about what to post here, so I'm giving myself permission to take another day away from "real" posting and will return tomorrow.

Rainy Day in Maine

2008-11-15T16:26:00.000-05:00

I am home in small-town Maine visiting family this weekend and am currently typing this from my sister's house. I would have been writing this from my parent's house - probably from the comfort of a big cushy chair in the living room, perhaps under a blanket - but their phone/internet went down today, and so my sister and her fiance graciously offered me their place to type so that I don't fail my NaBloPoMo goal of posting every day.

I spent a wonderful night last night celebrating a friend's birthday and catching up with many Portland friends I hadn't seen in months. I left work feeling grumpy and frustrated at the end of a long week, and I left Portland this morning feeling refreshed and energized and so grateful for the friends I have there.

Now I'm having a family day and looking forward to the community theater production of The Full Monty tonight.

Not an exciting post, but a post nonetheless, and I have not fallen behind in my daily blogging.

My Docs

2008-11-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, MOMP requested topics about which she can blog and I included "your favorite pair of shoes ever" as one of my suggestions. It was kind of a joke, but I got thinking about it, and wondered what my favorite pair of shoes I've owned is/was.

I love the bright red patent leather heels I purchased last spring. I also love my first pair of Danskos (also red. hmmmm....). But over the course of my life, it is my navy blue Doc Martens, purchased just AFTER a summer trip to the UK (I know, I know) that win the coveted title of favorite shoes ever (so far).

I spent the summer of '93 traveling around the UK on a trip through my summer camp. Most of our activities were paid for through the enrollment fee, but we all brought a small amount of spending money to buy some souvenirs. I bought a sweater in Scotland and a skirt and top and dress shoes in England. I wanted to buy a pair of Docs, but I wasn't sure what color or style and they cost so much I was nervous. I had never made such a big purchase.

In the end, I chose to purchase half the contents of a Body Shop to bring back home to the US and not a pair of Docs (again - I know, I know).

But once I returned to Maine, I immediately regretted my decision, and desperately wanted a pair of Docs. I eventually found my way to J.L. Coombs and purchased my first pair.

I spent a lot of time considering my color options, but in the end I decided on navy blue. I bought these shoes early in my sophomore year in high school, and I wore them nearly every day for the next three years (along with jeans, an oversized white t-shirt, and some variety of flannel shirt). Few people had Docs in my high school, and none of them had them in navy blue. I loved them. A lot. And when the inside back of the shoes wore out, I had them repaired at the local shoe repair store rather than retiring them.

They were a good pair of shoes, my Docs. They were the first pair of shoes I owned that made me smile just to look down and see them on my feet.

This Thing On?

2008-11-13T22:51:00.001-05:00

I thought perhaps the reason people weren't commenting on my blog for a while was that I wasn't posting regularly. Then I thought it was because I was posting about such heavy things. But for the past 12 days I have posted every day on a variety of topics with still not so many comments. So then I thought that perhaps no one has been reading this blog, but according to my handy stat-tracker, I've had 16 visits in the past 16 hours.

So this post is to encourage any of you shy readers out there to feel free to come out of the woodwork and say hello if you want. I'm a friendly blogger and would enjoy hearing from you. That said, I am a lurker of many blogs, and understand the attraction to staying silent, so if none of my 30 posts this month inspire you to write back, that's ok too.

Operation Momentum - Nov/Dec

2008-11-12T22:32:00.000-05:00

Goal 1:

Track spending and create a budget.

There was a month between when I was babysitting full-time this summer and when I began my new job where there wasn't a whole lot of income. There was also a need for me to purchase some professional clothing (because the professional clothing of a summer babysitter is not the same as the professional clothing of a hospital social worker) (and thank god for that). I also got into some trouble purchasing crafting supplies (how can paper be so expensive!?). A later (probably December) post will explain the crafting supply purchases, which I do believe they were totally justifiable.

At any rate, I am not in any significant debt, but enough that I want to get out as soon as possible. Also, I want to make a plan for saving money and figure out how I will be able to pay my student loans when they kick in in January. All of these are reasons that this goal was created.

Good progress has been made so far, and I am excited to have some clear goals and limits for myself regarding saving and spending.

Goal 2:

Private

Yeah, I know. What's the point of posting about it if it's private? Well, just knowing that it's out for people to read means that I feel more accountability than if I kept it to myself - even if you don't know what it is.

The good news is that the energy created from the reason for Goal 2 is motivating me to go to the gym more frequently than I had been before, making me all the more convinced that Goal 2 was the right goal to choose, instead of "going to the gym more" which was originally my second goal.

The bad news is that my gym is awful. A longer, rant-filled post on that later, but for now I'll just say that I had no idea it was so difficult to find class instructors who have the capability to find the beat of the music they've chosen to play. Wow.

It's About Love

2008-11-11T19:22:00.000-05:00

I didn't see this when it first aired, but saw it linked on multiple websites today and finally just took the time to sit down and watch it. I don't know what side of the issue you're on, but please take six minutes to watch this piece. Then share it with as many people as you can.

Look Before You Sit... A Cautionary Tale

2008-11-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at a camp gathering. A group of past, future, and current campers and counselors gathered to watch the summer 2008 video and talk about why and how camp has meant so much to us. We even sang a few songs. And when I left, I felt infinitely lighter and happier than I had when I arrived. The magic of camp.

A while back one of my good camp friends requested that I tell the tale of how I sat on a dead baby bird. Since you all know the punchline already, I'm going to paint a fuller picture for you...

It was a typical day at camp during my my Senior CT summer. "Senior CT' means it was my second summer as a counselor in training - the first was spent learning first aid, CPR and lifeguarding while the second was spent teaching archery and swimming and standing in for counselors when they had days off. Oh. And living in a tent with seven of my best friends. Not a camping tent - a platform tent (see left - to this day, we still have people ask us how we fit 8 of us and our trunks full of stuff into one tent).

So that you can picture the bird scene as accurately as possible, it is important that you know that at my camp we had a camp uniform which consisted of a light blue or white t-shirt and navy blue shorts (unless it was Sunday - on Sundays at camp, campers and counselors wear their "Sunday whites" - white shirts and white shorts). (unrelated: I believe that our Sr CT summer was when we all began wearing Loony Toons underwear under our whites because we thought it was cool that people could see the cartoon characters through the white shorts) (I suppose it might also be important to note that it is an all-girls camp).

I spent the morning jumping in and out of the lake teaching swim lessons, changed into dry clothes, and then headed to the dining hall for lunch. At camp, breakfast and dinner are eaten inside the dining hall, but lunch is eaten outside. Campers and counselors go through a buffet line to get food, then head outside to find a place to sit.

I headed outside with some friends. We were lucky to be toward the front of the line, so we got out early enough to grab a spot in the shade. We sat down under the birch trees to eat.

Very soon after sitting, I became aware that there was something under my left upper-thigh. I shifted my weight and put my hand down to brush it away and felt something mushy. "Mushy" not being the feeling I was expecting, I looked down to discover that I had accidentally (let's repeat that again for those of you who might have missed it: ACCIDENTALLY) sat on a dead baby bird.

I screamed, jumped up, and brushed off my shorts. My friends hadn't seen what I had seen*, and asked why I was screaming and jumping and laughing. I pointed to the bird on the ground and kept brushing at my shorts and soon I had all my friends screaming and laughing too.

You all might ask how I know the bird was dead before I sat on it... I don't. But I don't like to imagine myself as a killer of baby animals - so to make myself feel better, I have told myself for the past 13 years that the bird fell from the tree and was dead as soon as it hit the ground.

Lesson learned: always look before you sit.

*Any of you who were there, feel free to enter your own version in the comments.

Survivor Gabon - Thoughts After Episode 8

2008-11-09T09:19:00.000-05:00

Oh, Susie... why must you be the token stupid lady on Survivor? Really. Why? I don't care that much about Marcus leaving - I liked him, but I didn't have a whole lot invested in him - but I am now so much more worried about Bob! Bob, the rock-star Mainer who nearly won the painful endurance immunity challenge against a man half his age. Susie, consider this a warning: if you last longer than Bob, lookout. I will hunt you down to yell at you to your face.

I'm also not sure where this leaves Kota in terms of physical strength... Despite Crystal's chisled body, she hasn't really managed to do much with it since the competition began. Kenny is pretty scrawny and Susie is all but useless. I'll be curious to see what happens with them.

Favorite moment of this episode: Jeff tells Fang (pronounced "Fong") to head back to camp after winning the challenge. Corinne says "It's Fang" (pronounced "Fang"). And Jeff replies, well, don't forget your banner, Fang. Awwwww, SNAP! Oh, Corinne... I don't like you much, but I'm afraid you might be hanging out for a while. Grrrr.

Close to Home

2008-11-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

Working in the field I do and being the age I am can make for a strange combination sometimes, since many of my friends are in the process of starting or building their families. A close friend of mine was recently put on bedrest and is now in the hospital for the rest of her pregnancy (72 days or earlier if baby decides he needs to come out sooner).

So now I am sending all kinds of "stay put" vibes to BabyBoy B. I promise you it's better in than out at this age, and as much as I want to see you, I really want you to be as healthy as possible when you join us out here in the real world. So rest up (and let Mommy rest as well) and hang out on the inside for a while longer.

A Day in the Life

2008-11-07T19:53:00.000-05:00

6:00 - alarm clock goes off. hit snooze once, then get up, shower.
6:35 - stand in the middle of my room for a ridiculously long period of time wondering what to wear
6:50 - outfit decided, change out of "work top" into "walking to work top". fold work top nicely and put next to bag. blow dry hair.
7:05 - make and eat breakfast
7:20 - transfer all items from yesterday's work purse into today's bigger work bag (thinking ahead for when I have to carry home the rain boots I left at work yesterday)
7:25 - start thinking "I should leave now or I'll be late"
7:35 - actually begin walking to work
7:50 - realize I have left my "work shirt" neatly folded on my bed. grateful for the fact that I've done this once before and have an emergency shirt stashed at work. appreciate the irony of all the time I spent picking out an outfit this morning.

8:05 - arrive at work. change into emergency shirt that smells strongly of mint, due to being stashed in a drawer next to some seriously strong mint gum
8:10 - check email, read electronic chart notes to catch up on overnight updates
8:45 - head up to the unit with a to-do list
8:55 - fill out timesheet, cross one thing off list
9:05 - accidentally stumble upon the medical team rounding. stand in for a while to see if they say anything interesting. they don't.
9:35 - am told of birthday tart in the break room. go to check out birthday tart. decide that a birthday tart from shop 'n save is not worth splurging on and do not partake.
9:45 - socialize with ladies at the front desk
10:00 - leave meal vouchers at bedside for a family. check another thing off list.
10:10 - once again stumble upon medical team rounding. decide again to sit in. regret decision again.
10:30 - realize i had promised a family i'd meet with them at 10:30. leave rounds. hear sounds of breast pump from behind curtain where parents i am meeting are sitting. decide to return later.
11:35 - back down to my office to eat lunch. starving. inhale all food leftover from various lunches packed throughout the week. wonder if food purchased from whole foods deli on sunday should perhaps be eaten before friday but am too hungry to worry much.
10:40 - mom still pumping. go to meet with another family to share some information they had asked for. hear pumping from behind their curtain.
10:50 - mom from family #1 is ready for meeting. we meet.
11:30 - meet with family #2 to share information. sound like useless loser when all i can say is "sorry, there appear to be no support groups that would suit your needs in the entire metro-boston area" feel stupid saying it, but know (after two days of research and phone calls) that it is true. promise to continue to look.
11:45 - realize i still haven't met with charge nurse who will share with me information regarding high-need families and information about scheduled family meetings. meet with her. wonder how i feel i've been so busy all day and still feel as though i've got just as much work as i did this morning.

12:00 - return to office. see that i have voicemail. listen to 4 voicemail messages and wonder how two of them are from yesterday but did not show up until now.
12:05 - detective work. research what it takes to establish residency in massachusetts, more support groups (of a different type this time), and book a room in the sleep space for a mother coming in to spend the night with her baby after being discharged from a local hospital. call and/or email people to tell them all these things have been done.
12:55 - head back upstairs to the unit. meet mother for whom sleep space has been obtained. offer to walk her there to show it to her. do so.
1:35 - check in with parents throughout the unit. discover one family will be moving to the floor in a few hours. offer to give them a tour of the floor. give tour and become jealous that the floor has a large selection of bread and english muffins in their kitchen that my unit does not.
2:00 - check in with father (husband of mother #1 i met with in am). he wants to meet, but cannot now. promise to return in an hour or so.
2:10 - chat with mother who is returning from grabbing some breastmilk identification stickers from the staff closet. think mom has been here too long if she's breaking into the staff closet. chat with mother about yesterday's family meeting.
2:35 - realize that my goal is to leave on time (4:30) today and chart as many notes as possible so they will not keep me at the end of the day.
3:15 - receive phone call from social worker at referring hospital letting me know that we will be getting a child who is in the custody of the state. obtain contact information for state worker. call state worker to clarify custody arrangements and parental rights.
3:35 - run into father (of the "afternoon mtg with father") in the hall. sit down with him to talk because they will most likely be transferred to the floor before monday and he would prefer to talk to me instead of monday's new social worker. wonder how long this will take because i have to work on state custody case. think i'm a bad person for wondering this when dad is pouring his heart out to me. decide to focus on being with him in the moment and worry about the other case later. within two minutes of sitting down, his wife calls and wants to speak with him. we chat briefly. he returns to his wife, and i return to...
4:00 - make multiple copies of official custody letter and distribute to appropriate people. while distributing note, run into another father who i've been seeing daily. say hi and pass on information he had asked for, but then rush off to...
4:15 - send out alert to relevant weekend workers about this family. wonder out loud how i will write a note in the pt's chart about these arrangements when pt does not yet have a chart. person who overhears me wondering out loud tells me to check the "temp" chart and - voila! - a place to write a note. note written. attending doctor notified.
4:35 - finish writing notes for the day. recognize that there is at least one family i should have seen but could not, and give self permission to follow-up on monday.
4:45 - run back into the unit to apologize to the father i had said a rushed hello to. wish him a happy weekend.
4:50 - head down to office to change back into "walking home from work top" (same as "walking to work top")
4:55 - walk home
5:25 - purchase burrito to go for dinner

5:35 - arrive home, change, eat dinner
5:55 - drive to babysitting job, play with two tired but happy kiddos
7:25 - begin bedtime routine
7:55 - both kiddos sound asleep. begin typing blog entry.

I (still) Heart The Decemberists

2008-11-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

Tonight I went to see The Decemberists perform at the Orpheum. I was supposed to have seen them in the spring, but they cancelled their tour the day before the Boston show and I missed out. I must say that it was worth the wait.

During "16 Military Wives" Colin did a call and response where he said "Yes we can!" and we shouted back "Yes we did!" There was so much positive energy in the air and so many people shouting with joy at the victory of this past week. Their encore tonight was "Sons & Daughters" and it was incredibly powerful to be with such a large group of people all singing hopefully together "hear all the bombs fade away..."

The Day After Yesterday

2008-11-05T19:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I felt something I haven't felt in a long, long time: pride in our country. I actually felt proud to be an American. I felt optimistic about our future. I cried tears of joy when listening to Barack Obama deliver his acceptance speech, completely inspired and in awe of the historical significance of it all.

Again, a few words from my friend Kelly:

It's the day after yesterday and there is a clear difference in the 7 million people who decided the fate of America and perhaps the world. The crowd in Grant Park didn't boo when McCain's name was mentioned. People in an overpriced spa resort did. The crowd in Grant Park was young, old, black, white, latino, asian, seasoned and virgin campaign operatives. In AZ, old white people with mouthes agape.

It's the day after yesterday, and they're going to need help. Let's have more class than those who have been in power for the past 8 years. They'll need a tutorial on compassion, faith, hope, optimism, perserverance, friendship, and maybe even a second (or first) read of that old, dusty Constitution. A friend wanted a list of promises Obama has made on the stump and their due dates. The first promise I heard was change and hope.

It's the day after yesterday and we've accomplished something already.

We have accomplished so much already, but there is still a long way to go. After the high of last night came the low this morning when I read that California's Proposition 8 will most likely pass. I read this news with much anger and sadness and as much as I kept trying to re-capture the feeling of hope I had last night, I couldn't shake my disappointment.

How can the majority of Californians support the rights of chickens to have more room in their coops (Prop 2, which was passed 63% to 37%) but not find it in their hearts to believe that a loving same-sex couple deserves the same right to marry as a loving heterosexual couple?

Though there is much hope to be found in the advanced research and more recent findings of Faith over at That's So Queer , it is still disturbing to know that so many people voted in favor of this proposition. I just don't understand how love is ever a bad thing.

But then I saw this video of the mayor of San Deigo from a few days ago and a bit of hope returned to me. A lot of hope, in fact. And the tears. They returned too.

Change and hope? Not always easy, but definitely worth fighting for. Because eventually, even if it takes time, change and hope lead to positive things.

I Voted.

2008-11-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

One blogging topic suggestion I received for this month of blogging was "what it's like to vote in a big city". I actually live just outside of the big city, but I have to say the line for me to vote this morning was longer than any I've stood in in the past (including 2004 in San Francisco).

(Apologies for the sideways photo. I have saved and re-saved the rotated version of this
photo a million times in the past 10 minutes and cannot get it to upload right-side-up.)

Two of my roommates and I drove to the polling place and arrived at 7:07. The photo above was taken after we had been standing in line (and moving) for about 15 minutes. The line behind us was equally long. In all, it took us one full hour to get to the polling place, stand in line, vote, and get home. It felt like a long time, but I kind of liked it. I liked that I had to put in a little extra time to cast such an important vote. It made my vote feel that much more significant.

My friend Kelly posted a beautiful piece last night that I read just before going to sleep. I'm pretty sure it caused me to have my first ever voting dream last night. And because I'm no good at keeping beautiful pieces of writing to myself, I'm sharing it with you:

You Saw History - a note to my son

You are so lucky to have been born in this time, in this country, in more ways than I can count. You saw history before your eyes saw its first image. Someday you’ll remember how you saw history. Here’s how I remember it.

You heard the first viable female candidate speak up for labor rights while you were still growing.
You heard your mother’s footsteps as she ran down a Cleveland hotel lobby to rangle the press for Senator Clinton.
You heard your mother make phone call after phone call to get out the vote.
You waited patiently when your mother was out New Year’s Day in the snow collecting signatures for candidacy petitions.
You saw the hustle and bustle of a campaign office run by people younger than most – voting for the first time.
You saw your mother rush to nurse you, then back to talk to Secret Service.
You sat on your mother’s lap when she voted for Senator Clinton and herself on the same ballot.
You watched the event on television, knowing your mother plugged those wires for the cameras to bring you that image.
You waited patiently while your mother ran as a delegate.
You heard your mother cry with joy when Senator Clinton took the stage to claim victory in Ohio.
You heard your mother cry when Senator Clinton ceded defeat, but then with joy when you knew promise stood in the name Barack Obama.
You played patiently in your stroller while at a table organizing with other activists.
You were curious at the picinics when the candidates wanted pictures with you.
You sat on your mother's lap while she watched the first African-American accept the Democratic Presidential nomination.
You sat at your mother’s feet while she organized yard signs, volunteers, canvassers for Obama.
You saw your mother write letter after letter to other mothers about why Democrats are good for their children.
You sat on your mother’s lap when she voted for Obama, Biden, and our other Democratic brothers and sisters.
You slept peacefully while your mother lead the local Democratic club.
You loved your first debate watching party, seeing on the big screen the tussle that ensued between two foes.
You listened intently every time your mother tried to persuade another voter.
You were inspired by speaker after speaker at a rally just 2 days before the age of reason.
You heard the sentiment that if I can’t, maybe if I work hard enough my child can.
You saw old, young, white, black, blue collar, white collar, women, men, children, disabled, non-disabled, rich, poor, educated, uneducated stand shoulder to shoulder nodding in agreement that this is truly a revolution, and we need to take part!

I didn’t knock on those doors for me – I did it for you. I did it so you wouldn’t lose the innocence you have now looking to the Statehouse steps later. I did it so you will have a safe place to live, a country you’d be proud of. I took every step on every sidewalk towards a better life for you – better health care, better education, to secure your civil rights, your financial and economic freedoms. For every door that was slammed, two more opened with a smile. For every voter who was disillusioned, I tried twice as hard to bring the next one around. I voted because my great-grandmother couldn’t.

I voted because I believe in the history you have seen.

Operation Momentum

2008-11-03T17:58:00.001-05:00

A good friend of mine has created a self-improvement movement to action and away from stagnation and I'm totally on board. "Operation Momentum" requires that a person pick one or two goals that can be accomplished in two months and then set sub-goals that lend themselves to making the big goal happen. To ensure the goal has a high chance of successful completion, my friend is telling people about his own goals and encouraging them to set their own.

I love this idea - both for getting me to write down my goals and make a plan to accomplish them, and also for setting up an informal peer check-in to keep me honest and motivated.

My first goal is to choose two goals to work on through December 31. I've given myself through the end of this week to set my goals. What I've discovered is that I have no shortage of them (however, because I had committed to NaBloPoMo before I learned about Operation Momentum and because it is only a month-long commitment, I've decided it can't count towards one of my goals). Now I just need to prioritize and determine which get my attention for the next 2 months.

I'll let you know my goals once I've got 'em set. Until then, feel free to make your own and jump on the "Operation Momentum" bandwagon!

180K

2008-11-02T17:55:00.001-05:00

As I drove into my driveway this afternoon, my car hit 180,000 miles. Made me think I should take a moment and publicly thank it for multiple trips back and forth across the country and all around New England over the past 9 years. It has worked hard for me, my car, and I hope with all my might that it continues to provide me safe transportation until I drive it into the ground or marry rich, whichever comes first.

In other news, I've committed myself to writing a post a day for the month of November for NaBloPoMo (link on the top left). Blog post topics that you can look forward to include Survivor, looking out for myself, anniversaries, and friends. Thirty days is a long time, so if you've got blog topic requests, please send them my way and I'll see what I can do.

Projects

2008-11-02T01:27:00.000-04:00

I have decided that this weekend will be a project weekend. Not just the usual projects such as grocery shopping and doing laundry, but the bigger ones like working on finishing a knitting project I started 8 months ago and other such crafty stuff.

Tonight I caught up on Survivor (post to follow) and knitted. What I've decided is that sweaters are hard to make. Photo evidence to come, but for now you'll just have to trust me.

30 in 30

2008-10-31T23:08:00.000-04:00

Inspired by MoMP, I have joined NaBloPoMo and taken on the challenge of writing a blog post a day for the month of November.

Stay tuned for more than you ever wanted to know about the inner-workings of my brain.

Matters of Life and Death

2008-10-22T21:08:00.000-04:00

After 3.5 weeks of relative quiet at work, the end of last week brought some pretty intense situations. I sat in on my first family meeting at which the medical team told the family there was nothing left that could be done. I watched another family struggle to come to grips with the fact that their child was not going to live. And I witnessed intense grief of a family going through an unthinkable tragedy outside of their hospital stay.

All in one day.

It was the kind of day in which I kept feeling heavier and heavier with the weight of these families' stories, and that ended with me sobbing in my office at the end of the day. This is my dream job - helping people through impossibly difficult times and helping them navigate the delicate balancing act between heartache and hope. It is everything I want to be doing, but sometimes, like last week, it becomes difficult for me to separate a family's grief from my own.

And yet, I returned.

I spent the weekend practicing some self care, hanging out with friends and babysitting, and then returned to work on Monday. Yes, I was a little bit scared of what would be waiting for me, but I was also determined to find new families to remind me of the hope and resillience that can be found on my unit that can help to balance out the tragedy.

So "balance" was the key word of the week, I guess. This week, I supported another family through the death of a patient. I also made dedicated time to support the staff, who are impacted by these losses (both individually and cumulatively). And in the middle of all the grief that surrounded me, I found hope. Hope in some of the new familes who have arrived on the unit. And hope in the patient who moved to a non-ICU floor and who is now one step closer of returning home with her family.

Every night, I am exhausted when I get home. Every morning I'm nervous about what the day may bring and my capacity to handle it. But multiple times a day, without fail, I am honored and humbled to work in such an incredible place.

It's the Little Things

2008-10-13T21:10:00.000-04:00

When one works in a hospital, there are many alerts and codes to learn. There are alerts for spills and security and other such emergencies. There's "Code Red" which indicates a fire, or "Code Pink" which indicates a potential patient/child abduction, or "Code Brown" which may or may not be an official code, but the nursing staff can tell you you most definitely don't want to have to deal with one.

I was browsing through the internal hospital website today and came across a page describing this alert:

Linen Service / Lost "Lovey"

Purpose
To alert the individuals who can activate a well organized search for a patient's item of significant emotional attachment ("lovey"), which is believed to have been mistakenly removed with the soiled linen.

I love where I work.

Good Stuff

2008-10-06T20:40:00.000-04:00

I was talking with someone recently about how the couple I hope to be most like in my own life partnership is Cliff and Claire Huxtable. There just seems to be such a good combination of love and laughter and respect between them.

Tonight I turned the TV on and saw the clip where Cliff and Claire are making up after an argument. He turns on some jazz, they sit on the couch together, and then he cuts up an apple and feeds it to her. Doesn't sound like much, but it made me smile. Looked for it on YouTube but couldn't find it.

In other news, I think I'm getting sick, so please send me some healthy vibes because I can't take care of families of tiny little people who are sick if I'm going to make them all sick.

Without Words

2008-10-05T22:34:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks the start of my third week at my new job. I haven't managed to write about it yet not because I don't have any thoughts to share, but because every time I sit down to write I find myself at a loss for words. When I am able to come up with words, they aren't able to capture the experiences I've had. But it's now been over two weeks since I've posted, so I've got to fight my lack of words somehow.

For now, as long as I'm at a loss for words that turn into paragraphs, I'm going to share little bits and pieces from my work life. I will warn you ahead of time that some might be upsetting. I don't plan to share any graphic stories, but I know that the line of work I'm in is one that many don't like to think about. Ultimately, this blog is for sharing bits and pieces of my life and this work is a significant part of my life. Read if you like, skip it if you prefer.

Things I Learned in My First 2 Weeks on the Job:

- I'm out of practice introducing myself and my role as a social worker in a hospital setting.

- I am surprisingly unphased by the insanely high number and types of beeps that surround me on a daily basis.

- I have to wear a belt at all times so that the combination of pager+hip phone won't pull my pants down.

- I am surrounded by incredibly talented and compassionate people

- A baby born 3 months early is unbelievably tiny and fragile.

- The most beautiful eyes on the unit belong to the baby who supposedly can't see.

- Walking to work is a really nice way to start the morning.

- Walking home from work is a good way to transition from work back to home.