Cream of the Crop

Recent email received through online dating site:

You sound like a fun interesting girl , if your up for it lets chat sometime.. Notice i spelled you not u haha


*sigh*

I explicitly state in my profile that I prefer people to spell out "you" rather than typing "u".

Must I also explicitly state in my profile that potential suitors be able to correctly differentiate between your/you're and be able to use proper punctuation???

A Dating Post-Script

Yesterday, I got an email from a guy on one of the online dating sites I'm on (yes, I'm back on multiple sites - it's a desperate situation, people!):

Hi there!

I really liked the tone of your profile. You seem really upbeat and fun.

Care to exchange a few emails? I'd love to hear more about your work. Social work is often so overlooked and yet so critical.

Cheers,
N

Seemed like a nice enough guy, so I checked out his profile. But as I looked at his photos, I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew him from somewhere. I finally realized that he looked a lot like a guy I had been on a date with a while ago. But the photos weren't the same as the ones he had back then, so I couldn't be sure.

I responded:

Hey N -

You look familiar to me... is it possible we went on a date a few years ago?

-Fibby


To which he responded:

Hey Fibby,

Hmm, I must admit, I don't remember having met you before. At least not from what I've read in your profile... Remember anything else that might give me a clue?

N


At this point, I was fairly certain that this was none other than the Mer-girl Painting Guy. My loyal, long-term readers may remember this gem of a bad date story. It involved a date with a man who was in love with a painting of a mer-girl.

It took place in the spring of 2007 - four years ago now. But that kind of experience leaves an impression.

That said, I was raised to be polite. I didn't think it was appropriate to ask him if he was the guy who was in love with the mer-girl painting, as it would probably not feel good to be remembered that way. I racked my brain for something else unique about him that would confirm he was the same man:

It was so long ago, and so I'm not sure if I'm linking details and people correctly (and of course, if we never went out, then I wouldn't be linking anything correctly!). Did you ever cook Timpano a la Big Night?


He replied:

That's a pretty good memory! I did make the timpano long ago... I think I may be having a flashback to what might have happened. I think we met and had just one date.

Hmmm... is any of this coming back to you?

Not sure if you want to revisit this, but I'm game if you are!

Cheers,
N



Yes, it's true. Apparently I've dated everyone in Boston and my only option is to date them all again.


Except that's not an option here. I have to draw the line somewhere. And I think in this case, it's drawn at a second date with the man who loves mer-girl paintings.

The Walk Home

I was a few blocks from home when I saw them: a group of four pre-teen kids (a mix of male and female) hanging out in front of a house down the street from my own. They were talking to each other and pointing to one kid's shirt. As I got closer, I could see that this kid was wearing a (clean) maxi-pad stuck to his shirt. And his friends were laughing - not at him, but at the fact that I had noticed. And as I walked by, one kid said, "Don't mind them - they're all crazy!"

As I walked towards home laughing, I thought, "These are the kids I'd be friends with if I were their age."

The Good

Some people have suggested that I was harsh in my last post... that I may have been quick to judge people who may be good matches for me, but who just don't happen to have good spelling or grammar skills.

But here's the thing: the way I see it, an online dating profile is essentially a job application of sorts - and, like a resume, it is responsible for first impressions. If I meet a guy at a bar I can base my first impression on his personality and looks and "je ne sais quoi", but when I "meet" someone online all I have to base my first impression on is his profile. If a guy can't be bothered to write more than three sentences to describe himself or to spell-check (especially after reading in my profile that that's something I value in a potential match), then I'm going to assume that he isn't all that serious about dating, which means that he is not going to be a good match for me.

Think I've set the bar impossibly high? Wondering what a good online response look like? It looks like this:

I'd like to think that I'm pretty well edumacated and am not a terabul speler. I'm a bit of a grammar dork myself. Am prone to the occasional mishap of a poorly constructed sentence with a dangling participle. ;)

or this...

If your interest is piqued, by all means...give me a shout back. And I think you have every right to be a grammar nerd. If people can't write 'you' in a message...what is the world coming to??? 

or this...

I just had to comment on your well-organized and laid out profile. It is very rare to see that on dating sites. People can't seem to spell or write well. Don't worry...I won't call you a nerd. Anyway, you sound like an interesting person. Write back if you'd like.

Ok, so those three all happen to have the theme of embracing and/or appreciating my nerdiness. But I guess that's kind of what I want from a potential date - a guy who reads through my profile, likes my quirkiness, and then takes the time to write and tell me so. Those are the guys who get a response from me. 

Of course, there are still always going to be the weirdos...

I am a sensitive guy who can help you heal from any emotional wounds you experienced growing up as a child. This is what usually bonds a couple because the other person opens doors that imprisoned them psychologically.

The adventure continues...

New Online Site: not so gr8

I recently joined yet another online dating site, which has proven to be a great source of entertainment for me in the past week.

In the first few days after I joined, I received such charming messages as these*:

Hi how r u?? I read your profile and would love to get to know you. Wanna get to know me???

hey whats up i like to chat wit u some more hit me back if ud like to talk

These messages (and many others like them) made me cringe, so I eventually added this to the bottom of my profile:

You Should Message Me If...

... my profile looks interesting to you and you think we might hit it off.

... you're looking for something more serious than a casual relationship.

... you can successfully and consistently type the full word "you" (instead of "u") when you write to me (yup - I'm a grammar nerd).

One might think that such clear instructions might solve my problems, but alas...

why dont u answer me :(

hmmmm… let me think…

Subject: but 'you' requires more effert than 'u'

I have bad hands thats why i write 'u' sometimes. Hope you can forgive me.

(Scores points for creativity, but... no.)

Hellooo....

I'm Chris

and you...r ADORABLE :)

(Not sure if that's supposed to be "you" "r" or "you're" but either way Chris, I can't bring myself to respond.)

And there are other spelling issues too:

Please be spontanious, passionet, happy, and an overall good person.

(self-explanatory)

I am looking for someone that I would be attracted too that is fun and outgoing.

(Subtle error, but still…)

I am a 40 year old teacher/coach with impeccable grammer, haha. Anyways, you seem nice and I'd like to talk more if you would.

(Ummmm... Coach? Your "grammer" might be fine, but your spelling, notsomuch.)

Then there are the punctuation (or lack thereof) issues...

Hi.i don't know why.I keep looking at you pic..

you look interesting?

see you soon.

(Perhaps the most creatively punctuated message I've ever received.)

hey whats i like your profile alot and was wondering if you would like to talk sometime if your interested let me know talk to you later bye

(easily the least punctuated message I've ever received)

Or the combination disaster messages:

I know what you mean. And its funny, Ive thought of abreviations; like "U" instead of you. And Ive' thought, maybe if your really trying to meet someone. For a lasting relationship. Using the word "you" is more well appropriate. If your in a chat room talking to whoever-whoever? thats ok:) Just funny that u mentioned that. I wonder if other guys are as enlightened about that?....probubly not like u said.

( silence )

Or just the really strange messages:

TOPIC ONE,TOPIC TWO,TOPIC THREE

Ok, Here are three sincere and fun topics for you from a true future friend and entertaining person in your neighborhood .... Massachusetts.

I will give you three interesting topics quickly ....

TOPIC ONE: I wrote this poem to a beautiful woman on here today because her profile gave me these feelings.

Feelings Of Spring

I Love The Beauty In your Eyes.

I Love The Vision Of your Mind.

I Love The Power Of Your Faith.

I Love The Innocence Of Your Youth.

I Love The Scent Of Your Body.

I Love The Passion In Your Heart.

I Love The Integrity Of Your Spirit.

I Love The Pleasure Of Your Touch.

TOPIC TWO: I am developing a Business Plan for a (DELETED) STARTUP Company where I am the CEO. So I study (DELETED) & (DELETED) & (DELETED) & (DELETED) these days.

TOPIC THREE: I was in a startup previously ... cashed out three Million ... took a few years off and spent it ...

.... so you can imagine how I feel now ....

.... like a goofball who spent 3 Million Dollars

having fun and enjoying life.

What kind of way to spend your life is that ;)

Write Me.

Aaron

(Oh, Aaron. Though I do love a poem sent to me but written for another, I’m going to have to pass.)

Despite the evidence above, there are a few men who have managed to pass my difficult screening process. No dates yet, but stay tuned for more adventures…

* All messages above copied and pasted with no alterations to spelling or grammar. Names and identifying details have been changed, however.

Anti-Tofu

Colorado DMV Nixes TOFU Vanity Plate Citing Obscenity Concern

By Ernest Luning 4/8/09

The Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles turned down a request from a vegan driver to display ILVTOFU on a set of personalized license plates because the phrase could be constructed as obscene, Tom McGee reports in the Denver Post. "We don't allow FU because some people could read that as street language for sex," Department of Revenue spokesman Mark Couch told the Post.

Turns out the state plate arbiters forbid hundreds of letter combinations deemed too controversial or offensive, including ARS, SIN and PIG. The department occasionally convenes a committee to add to the verboten list "so that plates stay free of letters that abbreviate gang slang, drug terms, or obscene phrases made popular in text messaging," McGee reports.

That was news to Kelly Coffman-Lee, the 36-year-old Centennial woman who simply wanted to promote her love of soybean curd while tooling around town in her Suzuki. "My whole family is vegan so tofu is like a staple for us," she told the Post. "I was just going to have a cool license plate and the DMV misinterpreted my message."

Whether or not the DMV did the misinterpreting - after all, who doesn't LV TOFU? - the civil servants say their mission is to keep the streets clean. "Standard common practices are: any combination of letters or numbers that carry connotations offensive to good taste and decency, are misleading, offensive to the general public, or represent gang, drug, sex, racial terms," another Department of Revenue spokesman, Maren Rubino, told the Rocky Mountain News last summer when the list grew to include common text message shorthand, such as LOL, OMG, and WTF.

The Department of Revenue oversees the DMV, which, it turns out, really does contract with the Department of Corrections to hire state prisoners to make the plates, the Rocky's Kevin Flynn reported. More than a quarter-million vanity plate combinations are kept off the road by the policy, which has been in place since the early 1990s.

Think you can think like the DMV when it comes to WTF vanity plate combos? Take a stab at this nifty license plate game still lingering on the Rocky's website.

Thank You, Boston.com

Those folks over there at boston.com are looking out for me!

Eh?

So sometimes even the good-seeming ones have some funny typos. I'll preface this with the fact that I'm not sure it's a typo, but I'm also not sure how to ask for clarification on this, so I welcome all suggestions in the comments section.

The sentence in question is "my sister and I always enjoy playing cards with our dad and her husband".

PSA: Drunk Editor Edition

One of the fun parts about being home with my dad is that we share a similar sense of humor. We had a good laugh at this insert from our local paper this morning:

Things That Made Me Laugh Today

1. For some reason, as I was signing into my email this morning, I remembered back to when I was 8 or so. I was with my dad and we were signing in at some event. My dad signed himself in and then let me sign my own name, but somehow I got distracted while writing, and my sign-in name was "Phoebe Choebe" It made me laugh then, and it made me laugh now.

2. This is a photo I actually received yesterday. It made me laugh when I got it, and again when I opened it up to make it my desktop wallpaper at work.

One More, For Good Measure

Apparently, I focused a lot of my bad poetry on my bedroom ceiling back in the day...

I hear giggling through the ceiling

   One floor up a man and a woman lie

Having just come home from a night on the town

   Or having just eaten dinner or just made love

And though I cannot hear the words, I can hear the tone

   And it is sweet and full of love

And I am full of jealousy because you have such love and happiness

   And at the same time,

      I want to scream

SHUT UP! Don't you know you keep me up at night with that noise!?

Angst-Ridden Poetry of My Younger Days

My cousin shared that her favorite form of self-care is to do bad watercolors while watching old movies, which reminded me that there was a time in my past when I wrote really bad poetry as an outlet for my emotions. So this morning before breakfast I dug out my old journal and read through some of the poems. 

There's quite a collection, and some of it is really bad ("I'm sitting next to the fire, but I'm shivering, and I can't tell if it's the fault of the open door or my numb heart"). I am throwing out any bit of ego I might have had to share these next few gems with you, but it's worth it for the laugher I know I'm bringing to the world. 

I. Water Stain (absolutely the worst poem ever written)

There is a water stain on my ceiling

It just showed up one day

Or did it?

When I saw it

   I wasn't sure

      If it had just appeared

      Or if it had been there all along and only just been noticed

The building manager says

That once it is dry up there between

   The ceiling

   And the floor above

He'll tear it all out and replace it

But I don't see how one could tear out

   Only a little ceiling (or floor)

   And wall (since it dripped down)

Without making a terrible mess

Funny thing, but just after noticing the stain

I found myself noticing you, who just showed up one day

   Or did you?

Perhaps you were there all along

Either way, I like you better than the stain

   And hope you'll stay

Long after the ceiling that is my upstairs neighbor's floor

   Gets a makeover

II.

I'm not sure what that was...

   The one-night stand

      The emails

         The phone calls

But I do know that I enjoyed it

And that I haven't giggled like that

   In bed

      On the phone

         As I walk down the street

In a very long time

So thank you

III. Pittsburgh

 

"A companion," she said, "is all I want

   someone to laugh with and talk with anytime"

"An on-call cuddler," I suggested

   And she laughed and agreed

And though we're thousands of miles away

   All of the sudden, we feel so close

Together in our alone-ness

...

And as I hold the phone to my ear

   A thousand miles away, I hear a sob

And from a thousand miles away, I extend my arms

   And wrap them around her

And the distance between us disappears

   and for a moment

      we are not alone

IV. Bird

Once there was a girl, who I will call "Bird"

   (for that is what I called her, actually)

And I loved her

   (for she was my friend)

And that girl is all grown up 

   (well mostly, anyway)

And I still call her "Bird" and I still love her

   (for she is still my friend)

V. Banoffee

You burned yourself tonight

I heard the crash and yelp

   from my seat on the couch

And I jumped up and ran to the kitchen

To see you with your finger under the cold running water

   cursing

And then I went and sat back down

  For there was nothing I could do but watch

And I was pretty sure you didn't want an audience

But I do know that the dessert which you are making

   (and for which you sacrificed the use of your finger for the next week)

Is going to be quite tasty.

VI.

I love fiercely

I live scared

What am I scared of?

That someone might love me fiercely back?

Or that he won't?

Look Before You Sit... A Cautionary Tale

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at a camp gathering. A group of past, future, and current campers and counselors gathered to watch the summer 2008 video and talk about why and how camp has meant so much to us. We even sang a few songs. And when I left, I felt infinitely lighter and happier than I had when I arrived. The magic of camp.

A while back one of my good camp friends requested that I tell the tale of how I sat on a dead baby bird. Since you all know the punchline already, I'm going to paint a fuller picture for you...

It was a typical day at camp during my my Senior CT summer. "Senior CT' means it was my second summer as a counselor in training - the first was spent learning first aid, CPR and lifeguarding while the second was spent teaching archery and swimming and standing in for counselors when they had days off. Oh. And living in a tent with seven of my best friends. Not a camping tent - a platform tent (see left - to this day, we still have people ask us how we fit 8 of us and our trunks full of stuff into one tent).

So that you can picture the bird scene as accurately as possible, it is important that you know that at my camp we had a camp uniform which consisted of a light blue or white t-shirt and navy blue shorts (unless it was Sunday - on Sundays at camp, campers and counselors wear their "Sunday whites" - white shirts and white shorts). (unrelated: I believe that our Sr CT summer was when we all began wearing Loony Toons underwear under our whites because we thought it was cool that people could see the cartoon characters through the white shorts) (I suppose it might also be important to note that it is an all-girls camp).

I spent the morning jumping in and out of the lake teaching swim lessons, changed into dry clothes, and then headed to the dining hall for lunch. At camp, breakfast and dinner are eaten inside the dining hall, but lunch is eaten outside. Campers and counselors go through a buffet line to get food, then head outside to find a place to sit.

I headed outside with some friends. We were lucky to be toward the front of the line, so we got out early enough to grab a spot in the shade. We sat down under the birch trees to eat.

Very soon after sitting, I became aware that there was something under my left upper-thigh. I shifted my weight and put my hand down to brush it away and felt something mushy. "Mushy" not being the feeling I was expecting, I looked down to discover that I had accidentally (let's repeat that again for those of you who might have missed it: ACCIDENTALLY) sat on a dead baby bird.

I screamed, jumped up, and brushed off my shorts. My friends hadn't seen what I had seen*, and asked why I was screaming and jumping and laughing. I pointed to the bird on the ground and kept brushing at my shorts and soon I had all my friends screaming and laughing too.

You all might ask how I know the bird was dead before I sat on it... I don't. But I don't like to imagine myself as a killer of baby animals - so to make myself feel better, I have told myself for the past 13 years that the bird fell from the tree and was dead as soon as it hit the ground.

Lesson learned: always look before you sit.



*Any of you who were there, feel free to enter your own version in the comments.

Left at the Altar

An appropriate comparison, given that I spent last weekend at a wedding, only to return and find I (along with all other New England fans) had been left at the altar. Thank you, Sports Guy.

The "Left at the Altar Loss," when you're waiting for months and months for the season to start (like planning a wedding), then you have your fantasy drafts (the bachelor party), then you have the rehearsal dinner the night before (making your starting fantasy lineups, making your bets, figuring out which games you'll watch Sunday), then you go to the church for the actual wedding (getting in front of the TV for the 1 p.m. ET games)... and as you're standing on the altar, you find out your bride either changed her mind or got run over by the limo driver. That was me and every other Patriots fan Sunday -- we had our tuxedos on, we were ready to go, and suddenly we were sitting in a waiting room in a hot tuxedo waiting for medical updates on our comatose fiancee and halfheartedly trying to talk ourselves into one of the bridesmaids.

California Trip - Photo of the Day - Day 2

What makes those Canadian children so much more advanced than ours?

Two Things

1. Cakewrecks is my new favorite blog.

2. When I return from my 10-day end-of-summer vacation, I will have a job waiting for me. Today my bus choice became clear, and I have no question that this is the path I am supposed to be on right now in my life. I am giddy with excitement about this opportunity, and I promise more details later, but right now I'm headed out west to celebrate.

Alaska: The State I Love to Eat

So my friend Kate received a gift certificate at Christmas from the family she babysits for and we decided we should have a date night. That was nearly 6 months ago, and last night we finally made use of it.

We hadn't made reservations and the restaurant was surprisingly crowded for a Tuesday night, so we sat at the bar. The bartender Walter was quite nice and gladly poured our celebratory flutes of Prosecco. We toasted to finishing the year, ordered dinner, and caught up on each other's lives.

It's hard to do justice to the experience we had with the man sitting next to us and his daughter, but I'll try:

Man: What is your name?
Me: Phoebe
Man: That is a beautiful name! What a beautiful name! Beautiful.
Me: Thank you
Man (to Kate): And what is your name?
Kate: Kate
Man: Kate!? Don't you feel simple next to Phoebe?

(I can only assume he meant doesn't the name Kate feel simple next to the name Phoebe, but we'll never know.)

He asked if we were celebrating something, and we shared that we had just finished grad school. When he found out we were social workers, he spent the next 10 minutes telling us why social work was such a great field and why the work we do is so important even if we don't get paid much.

Later, after the man had shared part of their second bottle of wine with us, and after repeatedly calling Kate "Nancy" throughout the night, he and his daughter left. The daughter came back because they had forgotten something and as she left said, "Just think - he's increasing your number of future clients every day!"

Our evening ended with Baked Alaska. Neither Kate nor I had experienced this dessert before, and all we could say was WOW. Coconut ice cream and passion fruit caramel. We rolled ourselves out of there full, happy, and feeling like we had properly celebrated the culmination of the past two years of our lives.

Just guessing...

Just found this among the photos from Karu's wedding in June (which, amazingly, I never posted about!!!), and I'm guessing it could explain why I'm still single.


Yes, that's me (and Pete!) doing the Thriller dance, and it is what is going to help me keep my sense of humor in the middle of finals madness. Just thinking about what an utterly awful (and hysterically funny) photo it is makes me laugh out loud. So if any of you are bored or just having a bad day, this post is for you.

Love in an Elevator

So I was heading up to meet with my supervisor last Wednesday, and hopped in the elevator as I always do. There was a man in the elevator - probably a relative of a patient - who nodded at me as I got in. I smiled back at him and at the two nurses who were also in the elevator. The elevator stopped on the third floor and the nurses got off.

"How's your day going?" asked the man.

"Pretty good, how about yours?" I answer (elevator chit chat is a common occurance in the hospital)

"Ok." pause "So, are you a nurse here?"

"No, I'm a social worker."

"I'd love to take you out sometime."

At this point, as if on cue, the doors opened and I stepped out onto my floor, flashed a big grin, and said, "You have a great weekend!"

A gentle let-down for him, and a good ego boost for me.

Never a dull moment in this place.

September 20th List

Things for which I am grateful today:

1. A great phone converastion with a friend.

2. Spending 2 hours this morning playing outside with a 15-month-old and making him laugh with really bad shadow puppets.

3. EFS, for reminding me that I own this photo...


... and this video: