I've been told perhaps I should post a few happy things on this neglected blog so as not to scare off the 6 readers I have left.
It's late tonight, so for now I'm going to post a list of things that are currently making me happy, and/or things to post more about later:
- This song makes me happy.
- I'm going to look at an apartment tomorrow in the middle of the day. This is an insane plan for multiple reasons (it requires that I drive to work so I have a car to get to the apartment, then park at home and grab a cab to return to work so that I don't have to drive home from work in the middle of Opening Day traffic). I have no idea if the apartment will be the right fit for me or not, but I'm tired of cursing my ever-shedding roommate every time I walk into the bathroom, and think I should explore other options in an effort to maintain my sanity. That said, if tomorrow's viewing doesn't go well, I won't be too disappointed. But if it feels right, it could be an exciting new step for me.
- Tomorrow is Opening Day! I'd be more excited if the Sox had demonstrated an ability to play the game of baseball so far this season, but I'm still excited and hopeful at the start of the home season.
- I get to see my parents tomorrow. In my city. That's always a treat (usually I have to trek north to see them). :-)
- I'm going swing dancing Saturday night. I've been taking a class. I should write about that sometime - it's been a fun experience.
- A really nice and happy thing happened at work last week. It's a follow-up to a previous post, and it makes me smile a lot to think about. I don't often get to share happy work stories on this blog (or I don't often choose to share them, I guess), so perhaps that will go up here too.
All for now. Hopefully some continued happy thoughts to follow...
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Doubt Comes In
Doubt comes in
With tricky fingers
Doubt comes in
With fickle tongues
Doubt comes in and my heart falters
And forgets the songs it sung
Where are you? Where are you now?
- Anais Mitchell, Hadestown
When I never get past a first date with a guy and all my first dates are comically bad, it's easy to lose sight of the point of dating. My dating life becomes a source of entertainment for myself and others. That's how it's been for so long that it's become the norm.
When I get past a first date, I'm always cautious, because there's almost always a "but" - as in, "he's nice, but..." or "he's funny, but..." I try to keep an open mind, but I know myself well and I'm obnoxiously good at separating the wheat from the chaff.
Sometimes I make it to a third date, but it's rare.
Never a fourth.
I recently met a guy while out at an event. We made plans for a first date and that went well, so we made plans for a second... and then a third. Every date was a good one - we talked, we laughed, we shared bits and pieces of our life stories - and as time went on, bits of future talk crept into the conversation: "When you get your next statement in the mail, show it to me and I'll explain it to you," he said (when discussing what he does for work and me admitting I don't understand it). "Next time we go out, we'll have to go there," he said.
This was all new to me. I don't think about the future with guys I date for one of two reasons:
1. The guys aren't the type of people I could see myself with long-term.
or
2. They aren't talking about the future, and I don't want to jump the gun.
But this guy talked about the future. He made jokes and remembered things like what night I have class. He drove a practical car even though his income far exceeded mine. He liked to share food when out on a date. He had a million and one quirks that I found entirely endearing. He was thoughtful and funny, and he knew how to kiss.
And so a part of me that had been dormant for ages - a tiny flicker of hope - awoke inside me when I met this man and things between us seemed so easy and right. And I began to think about the possibility of a future with him... the possibility of not just a few dates, but an honest-to-goodness relationship. And I could picture it. I could really picture it.
It felt like it was actually going somewhere. And for the first time that I can remember, I stopped trying to talk myself out of or into a man, but just enjoyed being with him and slowly building the relationship.
It was during this process that I was reminded that dating is not just a source of bad date stories, but that if/when it works out, it's supposed to be a source of happiness and friendship. I haven't experienced that in so long that I had forgotten.
And then I remembered. I remembered what it felt like to feel excited about a guy, and to have a guy seem to be excited about me too. It was a new experience for me, and I was happy and optimistic about this quirky man who made me smile.
But then he wrote to me this morning to tell me that he met someone else a few weeks ago and wanted to "give it a shot" with her. He said he couldn't date two people at once, and that he hoped I would understand.
The funny thing is that my first reaction wasn't shock, or sadness or any emotion directed at him. It was anger at myself for letting my guard down. As though not imagining what it might be like to be in a relationship with him might have
somehow kept this from happening.
And so I responded to him with words that I truly believe, even though I hated that I had to write them to him. I told him that there need to be feelings on both sides in order for things to move forward and ultimately work out, so if one person isn't feeling it, it's probably not going to go far. And I told him I was bummed, but I wished him well.
And only then did I get sad. Rock-your-core, punched-in-the-gut sad. Because when I go on bad first dates, I am never reminded of what I'm missing. I'm reminded of how ridiculous dating can be. But with this man, I was reminded of what it feels like to connect with someone, and to enjoy being with him.
I was reminded of what I don't have.
In my everyday life, I make it a point not to feel sorry for myself. Though there have been times in my life when I've lamented my single status, those times are few and far between. I enjoy my independence, and I trust that I'll find a mate when I am meant to.
But just for this one day, I couldn't help but feel sad. Sad at the loss of something that on most days I don't even miss. But that today suddenly made me feel achingly alone.
And then the doubt comes in... is it me?
Am I too picky? Do I write off men too quickly?
Or did I do or say something that made this man write me off?
Was it the weird thing I said on the second date? Was it the fact that I insisted on paying for our third date? Was it that I wasn't in shape enough? Was it that I told him that I was good at my job? Did that make me sound too cocky?
I'll never know.
I just have to trust that for whatever reason, he was not my bus. And that things will all work out as they should, eventually. Because they always do.
Orpheus
Hold on
Hold on tight
It won’t be long
’cause the darkest hour
Of the darkest night
Comes right before the dawn
- Anais Mitchell, Hadestown
Monday, February 07, 2011
Upside-Down Again
It was after the Super Bowl. I was sitting on my bed, watching Glee and reading status updates on Facebook when I decided to check my work email. I usually check work email on Sunday nights, just so I know what to expect when I come in on Monday.
I saw an email from our nurse manager with the title of “P’s Services”. I was distracted as I clicked on the email, turning my head to watch the Thriller/Heads Will Roll mashup and then glancing back to my laptop screen.
“As most of you have heard by now, P passed away unexpectedly this weekend,” was how the email began.
I quite literally gasped, as I realized that my friend and colleague P was dead.
*********
P started working as a nurse in my ICU years before I was born. About the time I was graduating from high school, P transitioned from the ICU to work in the new family resource center at the hospital. The Center provides housing for families from far away, parking assistance for inpatient families who can’t afford it, computers and internet so families can stay connected, and a library of books, movies, and games to keep patients and their families entertained during lengthy stays. They also help to coordinate a parent-to-parent support network, and run two annual events that the hospital hosts for bereaved families – events that P took the lead in coordinating.
I don’t remember the first time I met P. I think perhaps the person whose job I was taking over made a point of introducing us. “P used to work on our unit – she’s one of us. Go to her anytime you need anything – she’ll take care of you.” I was told.
Indeed. When I needed the go-ahead to reserve a room for a family that couldn’t make it home, P was there. When a family needed parking assistance and was only a few hundred dollars over-income from qualifying, P approved them so they wouldn’t have to go one day without the assistance they needed. I knew P had my back, and would often go to the Center to ask a favor. She’d see me coming and say, “You again! Uh oh – what do YOU want?!” with a twinkle in her eye, and I’d plead my case.
P had an incredible combination of compassion, enthusiasm, and determination that drew me (and many others) to her. She greeted everyone with a wave and a smile, and always made time to talk. Of all aspects of her job, the two annual bereavement events were the ones about which she was most passionate, and I was fortunate enough to serve on the planning committees for both events.
But it was our nightly check-ins that really grew our friendship. I’d leave work each night at 6:30, and P would work the front desk at the Center until 7. To leave the building after exiting my office, I had to walk by the Center. I’d look for P on my way out each night, and if she was there I’d drop in and chat for a while.
It was through these conversations that I learned more about P’s life outside of the hospital, and that she learned more about mine. She shared stories about her family and I told her stories about bad dates and the perils of single life. And when I was having a rough day, I’d go to her, She’d ask how I was doing, and I’d shrug and give her a look that said, “If I talk about how hard this work is right now, I’ll probably start crying”. And she’d give me a look back that would say, “I understand, and I’m here for you if you need anything.” And then she’d make me laugh with a story about families breaking the rules in the sleep space.
*********
It has been over twelve years since my world was turned upside-down when my friend Christine died suddenly. She was just a few days shy of 20 years old. One minute she was singing with us and laughing, and the next, she was gone.
I had forgotten what it felt like… this strange, surreal feeling as though I’m in a dream, but with regular horrible, gut-wrenching realizations that I am not. That a person I have loved and cared about is suddenly and unexpectedly gone, and I am left going through the motions and trying to make sense of a life ended too soon.
I deal with death on a regular basis at work, but P’s passing has hit me hard. In an ICU, I feel prepared for death. I know that it is part of what happens in such a critical setting, and that it is my job to support the families and help prepare them for that which they can never truly be prepared. The larger hospital setting outside the ICU is my safe zone. It’s where I go to escape the intensity of the ICU. The Center was my safe zone. P was my safe zone.
Once again, I find my world turned upside-down. The Center is where I have always gone to take a break from the intensity of my work. Now it is a reminder of a dear friend who is gone and a trigger for the deep pain of a sudden and unexpected loss.
My heart breaks for P’s daughter who is my age, her husband who is not much younger than my father, her parents who have already grieved the loss of another child, and her co-workers in the Center who must be reminded every day of her absence by an empty chair at a desk full of task lists not yet completed.
My heart breaks for all of those people, and it also breaks for me. P was my colleague, my mentor, and my friend. Last week, we laughed and swapped stories of our experiences working in the ICU. Tonight I left my office at 6:30 as usual, and passed the Center on my way out. I willed myself not to turn my head, not to expect to see P smiling and waving me in to talk. But my brain still can’t believe she’s gone, and so I glanced in. And then I turned away as tears pricked my eyes and a lump rose in my throat.
I miss her so much already.
Colleagues from the NICU and the Center wrote some words about P that were shared with the hospital staff today when her passing was publicly announced:
Today we grieve the loss of our dear friend and colleague. P was loved by all who knew her. She extended her warmth, knowledge, caring and support to patients, families, staff and all who were blessed to know her.
P had a long list of admirable attributes. She was the "core" of the hospital; thoughtful, kind, compassionate, and endearing. She was a mentor to all who worked with her regardless of age, position, and experience. She was never easily flustered, and intimately understood the depth and chaos of working with families in crisis. She had a refreshing sense of humor, including the ability to laugh at herself. Her humility balanced with invaluable wisdom made her an innate mentor for colleagues at all levels who would frequently seek out her advice, support and her tidbits of invaluable guidance. Caring for others sustained P and we've all had the privilege of benefiting from her warmth and love.
Each one of us has our unique memories of P and our individual beliefs about where she may be now, looking out upon us. The one thing we're certain of is that she would embrace us and tell us not to worry for her. Her stressors are now a thing of the past. She would definitely want us to carry on in our work in caring for each other and the patients and families whom we serve. That is something that we all must do, in honor of our dearly loved and respected colleague.
P, I miss you so much already. None of this makes sense to me, but I trust that somehow this is what was supposed to happen, even if I may never know why. Thank you for your support, guidance, humor, and caring over the past 2 1/2 years. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a better person for having known you. Rest in peace, my friend.
I saw an email from our nurse manager with the title of “P’s Services”. I was distracted as I clicked on the email, turning my head to watch the Thriller/Heads Will Roll mashup and then glancing back to my laptop screen.
“As most of you have heard by now, P passed away unexpectedly this weekend,” was how the email began.
I quite literally gasped, as I realized that my friend and colleague P was dead.
*********
P started working as a nurse in my ICU years before I was born. About the time I was graduating from high school, P transitioned from the ICU to work in the new family resource center at the hospital. The Center provides housing for families from far away, parking assistance for inpatient families who can’t afford it, computers and internet so families can stay connected, and a library of books, movies, and games to keep patients and their families entertained during lengthy stays. They also help to coordinate a parent-to-parent support network, and run two annual events that the hospital hosts for bereaved families – events that P took the lead in coordinating.
I don’t remember the first time I met P. I think perhaps the person whose job I was taking over made a point of introducing us. “P used to work on our unit – she’s one of us. Go to her anytime you need anything – she’ll take care of you.” I was told.
Indeed. When I needed the go-ahead to reserve a room for a family that couldn’t make it home, P was there. When a family needed parking assistance and was only a few hundred dollars over-income from qualifying, P approved them so they wouldn’t have to go one day without the assistance they needed. I knew P had my back, and would often go to the Center to ask a favor. She’d see me coming and say, “You again! Uh oh – what do YOU want?!” with a twinkle in her eye, and I’d plead my case.
P had an incredible combination of compassion, enthusiasm, and determination that drew me (and many others) to her. She greeted everyone with a wave and a smile, and always made time to talk. Of all aspects of her job, the two annual bereavement events were the ones about which she was most passionate, and I was fortunate enough to serve on the planning committees for both events.
But it was our nightly check-ins that really grew our friendship. I’d leave work each night at 6:30, and P would work the front desk at the Center until 7. To leave the building after exiting my office, I had to walk by the Center. I’d look for P on my way out each night, and if she was there I’d drop in and chat for a while.
It was through these conversations that I learned more about P’s life outside of the hospital, and that she learned more about mine. She shared stories about her family and I told her stories about bad dates and the perils of single life. And when I was having a rough day, I’d go to her, She’d ask how I was doing, and I’d shrug and give her a look that said, “If I talk about how hard this work is right now, I’ll probably start crying”. And she’d give me a look back that would say, “I understand, and I’m here for you if you need anything.” And then she’d make me laugh with a story about families breaking the rules in the sleep space.
*********
It has been over twelve years since my world was turned upside-down when my friend Christine died suddenly. She was just a few days shy of 20 years old. One minute she was singing with us and laughing, and the next, she was gone.
I had forgotten what it felt like… this strange, surreal feeling as though I’m in a dream, but with regular horrible, gut-wrenching realizations that I am not. That a person I have loved and cared about is suddenly and unexpectedly gone, and I am left going through the motions and trying to make sense of a life ended too soon.
I deal with death on a regular basis at work, but P’s passing has hit me hard. In an ICU, I feel prepared for death. I know that it is part of what happens in such a critical setting, and that it is my job to support the families and help prepare them for that which they can never truly be prepared. The larger hospital setting outside the ICU is my safe zone. It’s where I go to escape the intensity of the ICU. The Center was my safe zone. P was my safe zone.
Once again, I find my world turned upside-down. The Center is where I have always gone to take a break from the intensity of my work. Now it is a reminder of a dear friend who is gone and a trigger for the deep pain of a sudden and unexpected loss.
My heart breaks for P’s daughter who is my age, her husband who is not much younger than my father, her parents who have already grieved the loss of another child, and her co-workers in the Center who must be reminded every day of her absence by an empty chair at a desk full of task lists not yet completed.
My heart breaks for all of those people, and it also breaks for me. P was my colleague, my mentor, and my friend. Last week, we laughed and swapped stories of our experiences working in the ICU. Tonight I left my office at 6:30 as usual, and passed the Center on my way out. I willed myself not to turn my head, not to expect to see P smiling and waving me in to talk. But my brain still can’t believe she’s gone, and so I glanced in. And then I turned away as tears pricked my eyes and a lump rose in my throat.
I miss her so much already.
Colleagues from the NICU and the Center wrote some words about P that were shared with the hospital staff today when her passing was publicly announced:
Today we grieve the loss of our dear friend and colleague. P was loved by all who knew her. She extended her warmth, knowledge, caring and support to patients, families, staff and all who were blessed to know her.
P had a long list of admirable attributes. She was the "core" of the hospital; thoughtful, kind, compassionate, and endearing. She was a mentor to all who worked with her regardless of age, position, and experience. She was never easily flustered, and intimately understood the depth and chaos of working with families in crisis. She had a refreshing sense of humor, including the ability to laugh at herself. Her humility balanced with invaluable wisdom made her an innate mentor for colleagues at all levels who would frequently seek out her advice, support and her tidbits of invaluable guidance. Caring for others sustained P and we've all had the privilege of benefiting from her warmth and love.
Each one of us has our unique memories of P and our individual beliefs about where she may be now, looking out upon us. The one thing we're certain of is that she would embrace us and tell us not to worry for her. Her stressors are now a thing of the past. She would definitely want us to carry on in our work in caring for each other and the patients and families whom we serve. That is something that we all must do, in honor of our dearly loved and respected colleague.
P, I miss you so much already. None of this makes sense to me, but I trust that somehow this is what was supposed to happen, even if I may never know why. Thank you for your support, guidance, humor, and caring over the past 2 1/2 years. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a better person for having known you. Rest in peace, my friend.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Complications
I'm going on vacation this weekend. Taking 5 days and heading south to New Orleans where I've never been to meet up with good friends from college and their friends. I'm using a free flight that had to be used before February 2nd, and staying at someone's house, so I'm hoping the budget part of the trip is relatively manageable.
I remember thinking when I booked the trip, "I will have just taken time off from work for Christmas - it seems kind of silly to take more time so soon."
As it turns out, this trip could not be planned for a better time.
Work has been tough these past few weeks. A family I became very close with had to make difficult end-of-life decisions for a family member they loved so dearly. I attended the funeral for that person yesterday, and then returned to work to have a very difficult conversation about DNR status with another family. I went home exhausted and hoping for better today.
Alas, that was not to be. I had thought I was mentally prepared for what today would bring, but I forgot about the x-factor. The fact that one never knows what patients will be admitted overnight, how very sick they can be, and how complicated their family dynamics can be.
As the social worker, fixing and/or managing the sickness never falls to me. But managing and putting band-aids on broken, messy, and/or complicated family dynamics is most definitely in my job description.
Throw in my more typical (but still required, even on crazy days) tasks of introducing myself to new families and orienting them to the unit and the hospital, and my day went from predictably bad to unpredictably miserable. I didn't leave until 8:30pm.
I feel like this always happens when I'm working a short week and gearing up for a vacation. All the chaos that might have been spread over 5 days somehow knows to squeeze itself into 3. On one hand, I'm glad I'm dealing with it all, as I always hate to leave a mess for my coworker who covers for me when I'm out. On the other hand, I'm exhausted, and unsure how I'll rally to make it to work tomorrow... especially given that I'll be walking to work in a snow storm.
It's as though every ounce of my energy must be drained before being able to go on vacation to replenish it.
I don't even have the energy to pack.
And yet...
I still wouldn't trade this job for any other in the world.
I remember thinking when I booked the trip, "I will have just taken time off from work for Christmas - it seems kind of silly to take more time so soon."
As it turns out, this trip could not be planned for a better time.
Work has been tough these past few weeks. A family I became very close with had to make difficult end-of-life decisions for a family member they loved so dearly. I attended the funeral for that person yesterday, and then returned to work to have a very difficult conversation about DNR status with another family. I went home exhausted and hoping for better today.
Alas, that was not to be. I had thought I was mentally prepared for what today would bring, but I forgot about the x-factor. The fact that one never knows what patients will be admitted overnight, how very sick they can be, and how complicated their family dynamics can be.
As the social worker, fixing and/or managing the sickness never falls to me. But managing and putting band-aids on broken, messy, and/or complicated family dynamics is most definitely in my job description.
Throw in my more typical (but still required, even on crazy days) tasks of introducing myself to new families and orienting them to the unit and the hospital, and my day went from predictably bad to unpredictably miserable. I didn't leave until 8:30pm.
I feel like this always happens when I'm working a short week and gearing up for a vacation. All the chaos that might have been spread over 5 days somehow knows to squeeze itself into 3. On one hand, I'm glad I'm dealing with it all, as I always hate to leave a mess for my coworker who covers for me when I'm out. On the other hand, I'm exhausted, and unsure how I'll rally to make it to work tomorrow... especially given that I'll be walking to work in a snow storm.
It's as though every ounce of my energy must be drained before being able to go on vacation to replenish it.
I don't even have the energy to pack.
And yet...
I still wouldn't trade this job for any other in the world.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Week 2: Start-up Baking Costs A Lot
I will be traveling for a long weekend starting later this week, so I had a shorter week to cook for. I decided to make my friend MK's "Thai-ish salad" that involves chicken, lots of veggies, and egg noodles. I made enough for an army and have been happily eating it this week.
I also had the inspiration from one of my Cooking Light magazines to try a new banana bread recipe. Usually banana bread is one the easiest (and probably cheapest) things you can make. HOWEVER, if you have none of the baking staples (sugar, flour, spices, etc.) it can get a lot more expensive.
Because I had very few baking ingredients in my stash, I had to purchase them, which meant over-spending what I would have liked my food allotment to be for the week. So as it turns out, I spent nearly $20 on the baking supplies needed for banana bread - a rather expensive loaf, I'll admit, but now I've got all the supplies to make it again and again and again... and those loaves will not set me back nearly so much in my budgeting.
So my total (food and toilet paper) spending for this week was $71.32, but if you take out the baking supplies and tp (since that's a cost split among roommates), it's back down closer to last week's food budget at about $44.61.
I've set a budget for my trip, but my plan is to try to spend less than I've budgeted. I'll report back on the flip side...
I also had the inspiration from one of my Cooking Light magazines to try a new banana bread recipe. Usually banana bread is one the easiest (and probably cheapest) things you can make. HOWEVER, if you have none of the baking staples (sugar, flour, spices, etc.) it can get a lot more expensive.
Because I had very few baking ingredients in my stash, I had to purchase them, which meant over-spending what I would have liked my food allotment to be for the week. So as it turns out, I spent nearly $20 on the baking supplies needed for banana bread - a rather expensive loaf, I'll admit, but now I've got all the supplies to make it again and again and again... and those loaves will not set me back nearly so much in my budgeting.
So my total (food and toilet paper) spending for this week was $71.32, but if you take out the baking supplies and tp (since that's a cost split among roommates), it's back down closer to last week's food budget at about $44.61.
I've set a budget for my trip, but my plan is to try to spend less than I've budgeted. I'll report back on the flip side...
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Week 1 Tracking - Final
$37 for groceries to feed me for the week*
$4 for a lightbulb because my room was too dark with just a bedside lamp.
$7 for lunch at work on Friday
$10 to grab my traditional Dorado Taco dinner on my way home from work on Friday
$5 to rent a movie on-demand last night (studying up for my 2nd Annual Oscar Party)
$63 total for the week
*It should be said that $25 of my grocery bill came from a gift card. So really I only spent $38 of my weekly funds in cash.
I also purchased a few items from the drug store (drugs, namely, to help clear my sinuses). I used my 2010 flexible spending account debit card, which still had some funds left and which apparently has not been updated with the 2011 limitations regarding what I can purchase through an FSA account. Huzzah!
Next week, I imagine things will be a little tricky, as I'm traveling on vacation to New Orleans (!!!) for 5 days next weekend. The flight was free, and the accommodations are free, so it should still be a relatively budget-friendly trip. My plan is still to give myself a budget and see how I do, but not beat myself up too much if I end up having to be a little bit flexible. This budgeting stuff is a work in progress, and much easier when I'm in my home routine than when I'm traveling. No doubt I'll have some reflections on everything when I've returned from vacation.
$4 for a lightbulb because my room was too dark with just a bedside lamp.
$7 for lunch at work on Friday
$10 to grab my traditional Dorado Taco dinner on my way home from work on Friday
$5 to rent a movie on-demand last night (studying up for my 2nd Annual Oscar Party)
$63 total for the week
*It should be said that $25 of my grocery bill came from a gift card. So really I only spent $38 of my weekly funds in cash.
I also purchased a few items from the drug store (drugs, namely, to help clear my sinuses). I used my 2010 flexible spending account debit card, which still had some funds left and which apparently has not been updated with the 2011 limitations regarding what I can purchase through an FSA account. Huzzah!
Next week, I imagine things will be a little tricky, as I'm traveling on vacation to New Orleans (!!!) for 5 days next weekend. The flight was free, and the accommodations are free, so it should still be a relatively budget-friendly trip. My plan is still to give myself a budget and see how I do, but not beat myself up too much if I end up having to be a little bit flexible. This budgeting stuff is a work in progress, and much easier when I'm in my home routine than when I'm traveling. No doubt I'll have some reflections on everything when I've returned from vacation.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Week 1: Fund Tracking
Today I grocery shopped for the week (and then some).
Total grocery bill was about $37
I used a Trader Joe's gift card worth $25, but still think I should probably pretend I paid cash, and leave myself with $63 remaining for the week. I'm hoping all the cooking I did today two recipes from Real Simple:
Chicken and Broccoli Rabe with Apricots
and
Turkey and Bean Chili
(and Trader Joe's corn bread)
and then a recipe I found online and doctored a bit that uses sweet potatoes and apples (almost dessert-like it's so yummy!)
Apple Sweet Potato Bake Recipe
The only thing I grabbed at the grocery store that was not on my list was gelato. It was on sale for a whole dollar off, and a few spoonfuls of it are all I require to feel like I met my requirement for dessert. I most highly recommend the Key Lime Graham which is OMG so good.
All for now. I'll likely just update this post with more spending if I have it so as not to over-post.
Total grocery bill was about $37
I used a Trader Joe's gift card worth $25, but still think I should probably pretend I paid cash, and leave myself with $63 remaining for the week. I'm hoping all the cooking I did today two recipes from Real Simple:
Chicken and Broccoli Rabe with Apricots
and
Turkey and Bean Chili
(and Trader Joe's corn bread)
and then a recipe I found online and doctored a bit that uses sweet potatoes and apples (almost dessert-like it's so yummy!)
Apple Sweet Potato Bake Recipe
The only thing I grabbed at the grocery store that was not on my list was gelato. It was on sale for a whole dollar off, and a few spoonfuls of it are all I require to feel like I met my requirement for dessert. I most highly recommend the Key Lime Graham which is OMG so good.
All for now. I'll likely just update this post with more spending if I have it so as not to over-post.
2011: The Year Ahead
Last year, I reflected on the previous year before posting my goals for the new year. This year, I'm just jumping right in:
- The biggest goal for 2011 is savings and money management. I had a more vague goal last year, but feel the need to make it more concrete this year. I am now 32 years old, and think that it's probably time to either own a car that isn't nearly half my age, or live in a place that I can call my own. I'm not quite clear yet whether the second goal means I would live alone again, or whether I'd try to purchase a home, but either way, I've got some saving and planning to do.
Because I'm a stickler for rules, I've started the new year with a tight budget. $100 per week is what I get to spend on myself - that includes food, entertainment, and gas. I will get $100 in cash at the beginning of the week, and work hard to have some left over at the end of the week. If I have funds left over, I can either roll them into the next week, or put them aside to save towards something fun.
- A byproduct goal from above is cooking/preparing foods more and eating out less. I got off to a roaring start today when I made turkey chili, chicken and broccoli rabe, and a sweet potato/apple dish. Some is in the fridge, some is in the freezer. I can bring one to work for lunch and have the other waiting for me when I get home. (note to self for next time: broccoli rabe is a little pricey) I'm hoping to explore some of the recipes from last year's Cooking Light subscription.
- Organization is another goal for 2011. Sure, cleaning the study would still be great, but I'd also like to stay on top of having a clean room, and not have months-expired yogurt sitting on my shelf in the fridge. Organization at work would be good too. I'd love to not scare my new office mate who will begin in February with the endless piles of papers and post-its that cover my desk.
- I think I'm still working on my last goal of 2010 - specifically the piece about giving more to the people in my life who bring me joy. I used to be the kind of person who sent out Christmas cards to everyone I knew. Not just a card, but a card with a real message inside - more than one sentence, written in my own handwriting. I'm not sure why that's fallen off over the past few years, but I would certainly like to become that person again. Holiday cards, birthday cards... I believe in the power of snail mail, and want to do my part to give people something other than a bill to open at the end of the day.
Other goals include getting my LICSW, taking lindy-hop lessons, and getting over the sickness that I've had for the past month (seriously - couldn't that have been left behind in 2010!?).
Updates on all goals will be posted as they come...
- The biggest goal for 2011 is savings and money management. I had a more vague goal last year, but feel the need to make it more concrete this year. I am now 32 years old, and think that it's probably time to either own a car that isn't nearly half my age, or live in a place that I can call my own. I'm not quite clear yet whether the second goal means I would live alone again, or whether I'd try to purchase a home, but either way, I've got some saving and planning to do.
Because I'm a stickler for rules, I've started the new year with a tight budget. $100 per week is what I get to spend on myself - that includes food, entertainment, and gas. I will get $100 in cash at the beginning of the week, and work hard to have some left over at the end of the week. If I have funds left over, I can either roll them into the next week, or put them aside to save towards something fun.
- A byproduct goal from above is cooking/preparing foods more and eating out less. I got off to a roaring start today when I made turkey chili, chicken and broccoli rabe, and a sweet potato/apple dish. Some is in the fridge, some is in the freezer. I can bring one to work for lunch and have the other waiting for me when I get home. (note to self for next time: broccoli rabe is a little pricey) I'm hoping to explore some of the recipes from last year's Cooking Light subscription.
- Organization is another goal for 2011. Sure, cleaning the study would still be great, but I'd also like to stay on top of having a clean room, and not have months-expired yogurt sitting on my shelf in the fridge. Organization at work would be good too. I'd love to not scare my new office mate who will begin in February with the endless piles of papers and post-its that cover my desk.
- I think I'm still working on my last goal of 2010 - specifically the piece about giving more to the people in my life who bring me joy. I used to be the kind of person who sent out Christmas cards to everyone I knew. Not just a card, but a card with a real message inside - more than one sentence, written in my own handwriting. I'm not sure why that's fallen off over the past few years, but I would certainly like to become that person again. Holiday cards, birthday cards... I believe in the power of snail mail, and want to do my part to give people something other than a bill to open at the end of the day.
Other goals include getting my LICSW, taking lindy-hop lessons, and getting over the sickness that I've had for the past month (seriously - couldn't that have been left behind in 2010!?).
Updates on all goals will be posted as they come...
Friday, December 31, 2010
2009: Final Report
I had a lofty list of goals for 2009, and feel like it's worth checking in to see how I did before moving ahead to 2010.
- I did entertain a bit... not sure if I'd call it "more" but perhaps "more deliberately" or "with more enthusiasm". I hosted my first annual Oscar Party complete with a red carpet, a fancy dress, and drinks named or themed after the nominees. From what I could tell, people had fun, and I'm planning on another in 2011. I also hosted the second annual "Opening Day" party for ALC alums. Two events a year is a good start, I think.
- The study never got cleaned. I did, however, do a major overhaul of clothing and shoes (well, mostly clothing) and donated a bunch of stuff that was sitting around waiting to find a new home.
- Preparing more meals... hmm... I subscribed to Cooking Light and did try a few recipes from there. I did get more creative about lunches for work, and had some pretty fun salads.
- Never started any kind of social gathering club (book, wine, knitting), but I did become closer to a group of friends from work and spent some time with them. I continue to make new friends at work, and feel optimistic about perhaps some regular social gatherings in 2011.
- In 2010, I did not read one book a month. I read one book about every other month. And most of those books were vampire trash. HOWEVER, reading is reading, and I feel like that was a good start. Clearly more room to grow in this department.
- In 2010, I resolved to put more money in savings and then use those funds towards a vacation to somewhere I wouldn't usually go. I got a little sidetracked with the savings situation when I got invited to no less than eight weddings. The formal vacation plan was put on the back burner, but I was able to take a week on the west coast to visit friends (and attend a wedding), and a few long weekends in the fall to attend weddings and see groups of friends. Here's hoping for fewer weddings (and more savings!) in 2011!
- In 2010, I spent limited time exploring my spirituality. I did attend church on the first Sunday of the year, which has to count for something. I also helped in the hiring process for a new chaplain at the hospital where I work That was really interesting.
- As for my trend of being true to myself, I think I was able to successfully continue that trend. Unlike 2009, 2010 had no unhealthy relationships and very little drama. The drama that did exist I think I handled with a good sense of humor. I saw more of friends I hadn't seen in a while, put energy into the people I love who love me back, and allowed some relationships to wane without hurt feelings, understanding that that is the natural progression of some friendships over time.
I had forgotten until looking back at last year's post just how difficult 2009 was for me. I appreciate looking back on 2010 that there were no major complications or challenges that left a shadow on the year. Many people have posted on Facebook that 2010 was a horrible year and that they can't wait for 2011. I'm quite pleased with how 2010 shaped up, but I'm also excited about what lies ahead...
- I did entertain a bit... not sure if I'd call it "more" but perhaps "more deliberately" or "with more enthusiasm". I hosted my first annual Oscar Party complete with a red carpet, a fancy dress, and drinks named or themed after the nominees. From what I could tell, people had fun, and I'm planning on another in 2011. I also hosted the second annual "Opening Day" party for ALC alums. Two events a year is a good start, I think.
- The study never got cleaned. I did, however, do a major overhaul of clothing and shoes (well, mostly clothing) and donated a bunch of stuff that was sitting around waiting to find a new home.
- Preparing more meals... hmm... I subscribed to Cooking Light and did try a few recipes from there. I did get more creative about lunches for work, and had some pretty fun salads.
- Never started any kind of social gathering club (book, wine, knitting), but I did become closer to a group of friends from work and spent some time with them. I continue to make new friends at work, and feel optimistic about perhaps some regular social gatherings in 2011.
- In 2010, I did not read one book a month. I read one book about every other month. And most of those books were vampire trash. HOWEVER, reading is reading, and I feel like that was a good start. Clearly more room to grow in this department.
- In 2010, I resolved to put more money in savings and then use those funds towards a vacation to somewhere I wouldn't usually go. I got a little sidetracked with the savings situation when I got invited to no less than eight weddings. The formal vacation plan was put on the back burner, but I was able to take a week on the west coast to visit friends (and attend a wedding), and a few long weekends in the fall to attend weddings and see groups of friends. Here's hoping for fewer weddings (and more savings!) in 2011!
- In 2010, I spent limited time exploring my spirituality. I did attend church on the first Sunday of the year, which has to count for something. I also helped in the hiring process for a new chaplain at the hospital where I work That was really interesting.
- As for my trend of being true to myself, I think I was able to successfully continue that trend. Unlike 2009, 2010 had no unhealthy relationships and very little drama. The drama that did exist I think I handled with a good sense of humor. I saw more of friends I hadn't seen in a while, put energy into the people I love who love me back, and allowed some relationships to wane without hurt feelings, understanding that that is the natural progression of some friendships over time.
I had forgotten until looking back at last year's post just how difficult 2009 was for me. I appreciate looking back on 2010 that there were no major complications or challenges that left a shadow on the year. Many people have posted on Facebook that 2010 was a horrible year and that they can't wait for 2011. I'm quite pleased with how 2010 shaped up, but I'm also excited about what lies ahead...
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Customer Service
I've never worked retail, but I believe I've heard that the golden rule of retail is "The Customer is Always Right". I consider myself a reasonable person, and generally try not to make waves. I rarely find myself in a setting in which I feel the need to speak up and advocate for my consumer rights. But a strange situation is brewing, friends, and I am sharing it here.
Once upon a time, Fibby was browsing on etsy.com and discovered some lovely socks* that were reasonably priced.
"Ooh!" Fibby thought to herself, "I can purchase these as gifts for friends this year for Christmas!"
Fibby spent time browsing all options, and checked out with multiple purchases from this shop.
The order was packed and shipped promptly, and a few days later Fibby opened a box full of socks that were just as beautiful as they had been in the photos. She left 100% positive feedback for the products online and was generally very pleased with her order. However, some of the socks were larger than Fibby had expected.
"Hmmm, this could be a problem," thought Fibby, "I'm not sure I know people who can wear these socks, and I'm not sure I can wear them either!"
Fibby emailed the etsy shop owner. She explained that the socks were beautiful, but larger than expected and inquired if an exchange would be possible. Fibby didn't expect the shop owner to agree to an exchange, but felt it was worth asking, just in case.
Fibby heard nothing back from the shop owner, which she took as confirmation that the store did not do exchanges.
Weeks later, Fibby realized that there were a few more people in her life who might appreciate some beautiful socks for Christmas and headed to the etsy shop once more. She found a couple more pairs of socks that would be perfect for her friends, and ordered them.
The order form had a section for comments, and Fibby decided to provide feedback to the shop owner:
I love your socks and will continue to buy. Just a note of feedback - I sent you a message a few weeks ago about exchanging some socks. As it turns out, I have found homes for them and I no longer need to. But it would have been nice to hear back from you. I would have been fine if you had told me you don't do exchanges, but not hearing anything was kind of disappointing. Just a little constructive feedback from a repeat customer!
This is where the story gets strange...
One day after ordering the socks, Fibby received an email from etsy.com informing her that her second sock order had been cancelled, along with the following information:
Cancellation reason provided by the shop owner: Seller refuses service and buyer has paid
Message from the seller: Future purchases are not available to buyer who was not happy with items or shop, but continues to purchase and critique simultaneously.
Friends, I have to admit, this made me concerned about the sanity of the shop owner. I had repeatedly told the shop owner that I loved the socks, had provided 100% positive feedback online, and then provided a piece of customer service feedback directly to the shop owner that I still maintain was written in a constructive way.
A piece of me was tempted to change all my positive feedback for my previous sock order to negative feedback and never do business with Crazy Irrational Shop Owner (CISO) anymore.
But there was another piece of me that felt the need to appeal to CISO with a rational argument and attempt to get the second sock order approved. (The socks were quite lovely, afterall)
I wrote to CISO stating that I believed there had been a misunderstanding. After providing a little more background, I laid out the following points:
To clarify:
1. I was absolutely happy with my original items, but some were a little bit larger than I had anticipated, so I contacted the store to inquire about an exchange. Not a return - an exchange. I didn't want you to lose money, and would have happily paid extra shipping costs or a re-stocking fee if necessary.
2. I heard nothing back after my email, which implied that an exchange was not an option. This was fine, as I wasn't sure I'd be able to exchange the items, but had felt I should at least inquire about whether or not it was an option.
3. I purchased more socks last night because I was so happy with your product, and I wanted to give a few more as gifts this season.
4. I wrote a comment along with my order not to complain, but to provide constructive feedback that it was disappointing not to have heard back from you after my initial inquiry. Had I truly been a disgruntled customer, I would have written negative feedback for the products and/or not shopped with you again.
I then requested that CISO reconsider the (ridiculous and irrational**) ban on having me as a repeat customer.
Where will this go? I don't have high hopes. My guess is that I will once again not get a response, or get a response that tells me the CISO is still not willing to do business with me. There's not much I can do after that, and frankly, if CISO continues to be so unreasonable, I won't have any desire to provide additional income to such an insane person (who knows where that money will go!).
At any rate, it seemed like a good story for sharing on my oft-neglected blog, so here it is.
*gifts have been changed to maintain some element of surprise
** words not included in the email
Once upon a time, Fibby was browsing on etsy.com and discovered some lovely socks* that were reasonably priced.
"Ooh!" Fibby thought to herself, "I can purchase these as gifts for friends this year for Christmas!"
Fibby spent time browsing all options, and checked out with multiple purchases from this shop.
The order was packed and shipped promptly, and a few days later Fibby opened a box full of socks that were just as beautiful as they had been in the photos. She left 100% positive feedback for the products online and was generally very pleased with her order. However, some of the socks were larger than Fibby had expected.
"Hmmm, this could be a problem," thought Fibby, "I'm not sure I know people who can wear these socks, and I'm not sure I can wear them either!"
Fibby emailed the etsy shop owner. She explained that the socks were beautiful, but larger than expected and inquired if an exchange would be possible. Fibby didn't expect the shop owner to agree to an exchange, but felt it was worth asking, just in case.
Fibby heard nothing back from the shop owner, which she took as confirmation that the store did not do exchanges.
Weeks later, Fibby realized that there were a few more people in her life who might appreciate some beautiful socks for Christmas and headed to the etsy shop once more. She found a couple more pairs of socks that would be perfect for her friends, and ordered them.
The order form had a section for comments, and Fibby decided to provide feedback to the shop owner:
I love your socks and will continue to buy. Just a note of feedback - I sent you a message a few weeks ago about exchanging some socks. As it turns out, I have found homes for them and I no longer need to. But it would have been nice to hear back from you. I would have been fine if you had told me you don't do exchanges, but not hearing anything was kind of disappointing. Just a little constructive feedback from a repeat customer!
This is where the story gets strange...
One day after ordering the socks, Fibby received an email from etsy.com informing her that her second sock order had been cancelled, along with the following information:
Cancellation reason provided by the shop owner: Seller refuses service and buyer has paid
Message from the seller: Future purchases are not available to buyer who was not happy with items or shop, but continues to purchase and critique simultaneously.
Friends, I have to admit, this made me concerned about the sanity of the shop owner. I had repeatedly told the shop owner that I loved the socks, had provided 100% positive feedback online, and then provided a piece of customer service feedback directly to the shop owner that I still maintain was written in a constructive way.
A piece of me was tempted to change all my positive feedback for my previous sock order to negative feedback and never do business with Crazy Irrational Shop Owner (CISO) anymore.
But there was another piece of me that felt the need to appeal to CISO with a rational argument and attempt to get the second sock order approved. (The socks were quite lovely, afterall)
I wrote to CISO stating that I believed there had been a misunderstanding. After providing a little more background, I laid out the following points:
To clarify:
1. I was absolutely happy with my original items, but some were a little bit larger than I had anticipated, so I contacted the store to inquire about an exchange. Not a return - an exchange. I didn't want you to lose money, and would have happily paid extra shipping costs or a re-stocking fee if necessary.
2. I heard nothing back after my email, which implied that an exchange was not an option. This was fine, as I wasn't sure I'd be able to exchange the items, but had felt I should at least inquire about whether or not it was an option.
3. I purchased more socks last night because I was so happy with your product, and I wanted to give a few more as gifts this season.
4. I wrote a comment along with my order not to complain, but to provide constructive feedback that it was disappointing not to have heard back from you after my initial inquiry. Had I truly been a disgruntled customer, I would have written negative feedback for the products and/or not shopped with you again.
I then requested that CISO reconsider the (ridiculous and irrational**) ban on having me as a repeat customer.
Where will this go? I don't have high hopes. My guess is that I will once again not get a response, or get a response that tells me the CISO is still not willing to do business with me. There's not much I can do after that, and frankly, if CISO continues to be so unreasonable, I won't have any desire to provide additional income to such an insane person (who knows where that money will go!).
At any rate, it seemed like a good story for sharing on my oft-neglected blog, so here it is.
*gifts have been changed to maintain some element of surprise
** words not included in the email
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanks
I'm not sure my list has changed much since last year.
I remain most thankful for family. I have learned about love, laughter, patience, impatience, challenge, success, and celebration from my immediate and extended family members. I continue to enjoy expanding on those life lessons every time we're together.
I am thankful for friends - camp friends, college friends, grad school friends, high school friends, work friends, friends I met while living abroad, and friends I met while living out west. Not a day goes by that I am not inspired by what they are all doing, or appreciative of the fact that we've been able to maintain our friendships.
I'm thankful for my job and the work it allows me to do each day. It continues to be an honor and a pleasure to do the work I do every day and I can't imagine my life without this work in it.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
I remain most thankful for family. I have learned about love, laughter, patience, impatience, challenge, success, and celebration from my immediate and extended family members. I continue to enjoy expanding on those life lessons every time we're together.
I am thankful for friends - camp friends, college friends, grad school friends, high school friends, work friends, friends I met while living abroad, and friends I met while living out west. Not a day goes by that I am not inspired by what they are all doing, or appreciative of the fact that we've been able to maintain our friendships.
I'm thankful for my job and the work it allows me to do each day. It continues to be an honor and a pleasure to do the work I do every day and I can't imagine my life without this work in it.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I held him.
Disclaimer: Sometimes my job is unbearably sad. This was one of those times.
After the crowd dispersed and the room was still, I held him.
After the monitors were turned off and the bright lights dimmed, I held him.
After the controlled chaos turned to silence, I held him.
After I shared tears over the phone with a mother who couldn't be there, I held him.
After I helped to bathe and swaddle him, then make footprints of his tiny hands and feet, I held him.
After we prayed around his bedside - for him, for his family, for ourselves - I held him.
I held him in a rocking chair, and as we rocked together I stroked his downy hair and sang to him.
He was not alone.
I held him.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Prayer for Fibby
It's been a tough month at work - a tough few months, really. Lots of complicated social situations. Lots of sad stories. Lots of heavy loads to help people carry...
There's an ongoing situation right now that eats away at me. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. It makes me frustrated. I'm mostly able to leave it behind when the work day is over, but sometimes it takes the whole walk home to fully shake it. And of course, it's always waiting for me when I return to work in the morning.
I knew that I'd have a day that centered mostly around this situation when I headed to work yesterday morning. I had checked email throughout the weekend and was aware that there had been some issues that would need to be addressed when I returned. I got to work, took a deep breath and plunged right in.
The "water" was deep, and the situation upsetting. I met with one person, I met with another, I organized a meeting of the care team, and then I documented in multiple places the plan to move forward. I stayed an hour late to finish all of this and was exhausted by the time I began my walk home.
It was a full-body exhaustion: physical, mental, and emotional. As I turned down my street, I was mentally preparing to leave the day behind when I walked through my front door. I spent the last few blocks taking some deep breaths in an attempt to let go of the day, but it was still hanging on.
Two blocks from home, I looked up and saw a few adults in their early 20s walking towards me.
"Excuse me," one girl said, "Do you have a second?"
"I might," I responded cautiously.
"It's not for anything weird... I mean... Well, we're with the ______ Church and I'm wondering if there's anyone you'd like us to pray for - maybe for you or for someone you know who is having a hard time?" She and her friend both smiled and looked at me kindly. "My name is Meredith," she said.
I'm of the belief that given the line of work I'm in and the challenges I so often witness there, I'm in no position to turn down prayer. Whether it be to a Christian, Jewish, or Muslim God, whether the god be male or female or gender neutral, if someone offers to pray for me or the families I work with, I won't say no.
So I thought for a moment, wanting so much to request a prayer for this family that is causing me so much heartache but not wanting to violate any HIPAA regulations. "Could you pray for the families at my hospital?" I asked. I told her where I worked and the population I serve, and tears came to her eyes.
She asked if she could put her hand on my arm, and when I said yes she began to pray.
I don't remember all the words of her prayer, but I do remember how kind and earnest she was. It wasn't a cookie-cutter prayer. She said "um" and "uh" as she strung together her thoughts into words. But her simple, honest prayer carried a surprising depth and weight. She praised her God for wisdom and love, and acknowledged that God's heart can break just as ours can. She asked for strength and peace for the families in the hospital. And she asked for strength and peace for me.
She finished her prayer and I thanked her. We chatted for a bit and then parted ways.
I walked home feeling lighter, less anxious, and relieved. Relieved in the realization that I am not carrying these burdens alone. Relieved at the idea that there might be some larger power that will help me through these difficult days - if not by solving the complex social problems I witness at work, at least by sending people like Meredith to pray for me when I need it most.
There's an ongoing situation right now that eats away at me. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. It makes me frustrated. I'm mostly able to leave it behind when the work day is over, but sometimes it takes the whole walk home to fully shake it. And of course, it's always waiting for me when I return to work in the morning.
I knew that I'd have a day that centered mostly around this situation when I headed to work yesterday morning. I had checked email throughout the weekend and was aware that there had been some issues that would need to be addressed when I returned. I got to work, took a deep breath and plunged right in.
The "water" was deep, and the situation upsetting. I met with one person, I met with another, I organized a meeting of the care team, and then I documented in multiple places the plan to move forward. I stayed an hour late to finish all of this and was exhausted by the time I began my walk home.
It was a full-body exhaustion: physical, mental, and emotional. As I turned down my street, I was mentally preparing to leave the day behind when I walked through my front door. I spent the last few blocks taking some deep breaths in an attempt to let go of the day, but it was still hanging on.
Two blocks from home, I looked up and saw a few adults in their early 20s walking towards me.
"Excuse me," one girl said, "Do you have a second?"
"I might," I responded cautiously.
"It's not for anything weird... I mean... Well, we're with the ______ Church and I'm wondering if there's anyone you'd like us to pray for - maybe for you or for someone you know who is having a hard time?" She and her friend both smiled and looked at me kindly. "My name is Meredith," she said.
I'm of the belief that given the line of work I'm in and the challenges I so often witness there, I'm in no position to turn down prayer. Whether it be to a Christian, Jewish, or Muslim God, whether the god be male or female or gender neutral, if someone offers to pray for me or the families I work with, I won't say no.
So I thought for a moment, wanting so much to request a prayer for this family that is causing me so much heartache but not wanting to violate any HIPAA regulations. "Could you pray for the families at my hospital?" I asked. I told her where I worked and the population I serve, and tears came to her eyes.
She asked if she could put her hand on my arm, and when I said yes she began to pray.
I don't remember all the words of her prayer, but I do remember how kind and earnest she was. It wasn't a cookie-cutter prayer. She said "um" and "uh" as she strung together her thoughts into words. But her simple, honest prayer carried a surprising depth and weight. She praised her God for wisdom and love, and acknowledged that God's heart can break just as ours can. She asked for strength and peace for the families in the hospital. And she asked for strength and peace for me.
She finished her prayer and I thanked her. We chatted for a bit and then parted ways.
I walked home feeling lighter, less anxious, and relieved. Relieved in the realization that I am not carrying these burdens alone. Relieved at the idea that there might be some larger power that will help me through these difficult days - if not by solving the complex social problems I witness at work, at least by sending people like Meredith to pray for me when I need it most.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Walk Home
I was a few blocks from home when I saw them: a group of four pre-teen kids (a mix of male and female) hanging out in front of a house down the street from my own. They were talking to each other and pointing to one kid's shirt. As I got closer, I could see that this kid was wearing a (clean) maxi-pad stuck to his shirt. And his friends were laughing - not at him, but at the fact that I had noticed. And as I walked by, one kid said, "Don't mind them - they're all crazy!"
As I walked towards home laughing, I thought, "These are the kids I'd be friends with if I were their age."
As I walked towards home laughing, I thought, "These are the kids I'd be friends with if I were their age."
Friday, May 21, 2010
These are the questions I ask every day, on my way, on my way, on my way...*
I was walking home today, in a rush to get there and finish packing before driving up to Maine, and walked past two people sitting on a bench.
"Excuse me?" said the female, "Could you answer a question for us?"
"Sure" I shrugged.
"What do you think your purpose in life is?"
"Um, I, uh..."
"We're not going to record your answer or anything. We're just having a discussion and wanted to get more input."
"Well..." I began, "I guess I'm not sure where to go with that... do you mean career-wise, or personally, or...?"
"How about answering this question instead," said the male. "Which is more rewarding: interpersonal connections or self-satisfaction?"
I thought for a moment before I responded, "I don't believe one can have self-satisfaction without interpersonal connections."
They seemed satisfied with my answer and I continued on my way.
What about you? Would you have stopped to answer questions from strangers? What would your answers have been?
...*
"Excuse me?" said the female, "Could you answer a question for us?"
"Sure" I shrugged.
"What do you think your purpose in life is?"
"Um, I, uh..."
"We're not going to record your answer or anything. We're just having a discussion and wanted to get more input."
"Well..." I began, "I guess I'm not sure where to go with that... do you mean career-wise, or personally, or...?"
"How about answering this question instead," said the male. "Which is more rewarding: interpersonal connections or self-satisfaction?"
I thought for a moment before I responded, "I don't believe one can have self-satisfaction without interpersonal connections."
They seemed satisfied with my answer and I continued on my way.
What about you? Would you have stopped to answer questions from strangers? What would your answers have been?
...*
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
For Cragin
I didn't know you well (I think we met once), but we shared a history. We were part of the same group, but in distinct time periods. We sang the same songs, but next to different people.
Today I received news that you died this weekend. And it brought back memories of a night more than 11 years ago, when another group member was lost. I am sick to think how your friends must feel now, as I remember all too clearly the shock and disbelief I felt then.
Even though I know you and Christine never met in real life, I imagine you two finding each other in Heaven. I imagine you both becoming friends and starting your own a cappella group. And that makes me smile.
If there is a chance to sing for you in a few weeks when I'm on campus, you can bet I'll be there.
Until then, I share the song we sang for Christine. I sing it for you tonight.
She sang beyond the genius of the sea.
The water never formed to mind or voice...
That was not ours although we understood...
The sea was not a mask. No more was she...
And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker.
As we beheld her striding there alone,
Knew that there never was a world for her
Except the one she sang and, singing, made.
And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker.
- Wallace Stevens
Today I received news that you died this weekend. And it brought back memories of a night more than 11 years ago, when another group member was lost. I am sick to think how your friends must feel now, as I remember all too clearly the shock and disbelief I felt then.
Even though I know you and Christine never met in real life, I imagine you two finding each other in Heaven. I imagine you both becoming friends and starting your own a cappella group. And that makes me smile.
If there is a chance to sing for you in a few weeks when I'm on campus, you can bet I'll be there.
Until then, I share the song we sang for Christine. I sing it for you tonight.
She sang beyond the genius of the sea.
The water never formed to mind or voice...
That was not ours although we understood...
The sea was not a mask. No more was she...
And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker.
As we beheld her striding there alone,
Knew that there never was a world for her
Except the one she sang and, singing, made.
And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker.
- Wallace Stevens
Friday, May 14, 2010
Rain, Rain
I walked home in the rain tonight. There was thunder and lightening in the distance, and as I got closer to home the rain came down harder and harder. If it weren't for my new shoes getting wet, it would have been a lovely walk home.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
She Said
"It's been five months last week," she said.
I couldn't believe how much time had passed.
"It's been a tough week," she said.
My phone call had made her cry.
"People tell me I visit his grave too often," she said.
I told her they were wrong.
"I often wonder what might have been," she said. "Did we make the right choices? Did we do what was best for him?" and then an urgent plea - "Please tell me that we did."
I comfort her and reassure her as best as I can, because I was witness to his final days and I know that he was loved beyond measure.
And as she remembers, so do I.
And for a moment, there is no talking. Just silent tears between us.
***********
I was witness. I sometimes forget what an incredible honor and responsibility that is. And I sometimes forget how important it is to remain connected to these families. To remember with them. To talk about their angels when no one else knows what to say.
More often than not, I don't know what to say. I get overwhelmed by the idea of picking up the phone to make that call, so I put if off until "later", though of course I have no clear plan as to when "later" might be.
But on my brave days, I pick up the receiver and dial the number. And on those days I am rewarded with a raw and most pure form of human connection. Those days remind me more than any others why I do the work I do.
I want to be brave more often, because it feels good to listen. It feels good to talk. And it feels good to remember the angels.
I couldn't believe how much time had passed.
"It's been a tough week," she said.
My phone call had made her cry.
"People tell me I visit his grave too often," she said.
I told her they were wrong.
"I often wonder what might have been," she said. "Did we make the right choices? Did we do what was best for him?" and then an urgent plea - "Please tell me that we did."
I comfort her and reassure her as best as I can, because I was witness to his final days and I know that he was loved beyond measure.
And as she remembers, so do I.
And for a moment, there is no talking. Just silent tears between us.
***********
I was witness. I sometimes forget what an incredible honor and responsibility that is. And I sometimes forget how important it is to remain connected to these families. To remember with them. To talk about their angels when no one else knows what to say.
More often than not, I don't know what to say. I get overwhelmed by the idea of picking up the phone to make that call, so I put if off until "later", though of course I have no clear plan as to when "later" might be.
But on my brave days, I pick up the receiver and dial the number. And on those days I am rewarded with a raw and most pure form of human connection. Those days remind me more than any others why I do the work I do.
I want to be brave more often, because it feels good to listen. It feels good to talk. And it feels good to remember the angels.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Eight Things in a Salad
This morning, MOMP posted about a life lesson she learned regarding the minimum number of ingredients required for a good salad (five). Inspired, I decided to have a salad for dinner. I had a big stash of mixed greens (1) in my fridge, as well as some colored peppers (2) and hard-boiled eggs (3). I swung by Whole Foods to grab a few extra toppings. In the end, my salad included fava beans (4), broccoli (5), parmesan cheese (6), marinated mushrooms (7), and miso-tahini dressing (8). A wicked awesome salad, if I do say so myself.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Read This
I just started reading the blog of a good friend from college, and her writing is incredible. Check her out at Je Ne Sais Moi.
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