Read This

I just started reading the blog of a good friend from college, and her writing is incredible. Check her out at Je Ne Sais Moi.

Pure Joy

Despite what you may think from reading through my posts, my job is not all doom and gloom. 

For over seven months, I've gotten to know a very special family. Our patient has faced more challenges in the past year than many people face in a lifetime. He has met some challenges with success, and has had some significant disappointments as well. Throughout it all - even at the lowest points -  his family has remained strong in their faith that he would be healed. 

Today, this patient got one very significant step closer to being able to go home. I can't share more information, other than to tell you that today's events are life-changing in a positive and nearly unfathomable way and I am so very happy for him and his family. 

Yes, sometimes my job is difficult and sad. But sometimes I'm witness to incredible miracles here on earth. I am so very lucky to do the work I do.

A New Year

Last year when 2008 turned to 2009, I didn't take time to appreciate all that I had experienced in 2008 (graduation, finding my dream job, gaining friends, losing friends...). I only looked forward with anticipation for what the new year would bring. A year later, I am pausing to reflect on all I have learned and experienced in 2009, and looking ahead to some goals for 2010.

To be honest, many parts of 2009 were pretty difficult. Many months of the year found me processing two situations in which people I had trusted and been close with betrayed my trust in a significant and hurtful way. There was a lot of confusion and anger and sadness as I tried to make sense of my new reality. If I'm being honest with myself (and with you, the few readers I still have out there), I'd have to say that for at least 3/4 of the year, these two relationships and their fall-out sapped much of my energy.

That said, there were many good things that happened in 2009 as well. I made some new friends and prioritized making time for a social life. I put myself on not one but two online dating sites and had a steady stream of dates to keep me feeling proactive about my dating situation. I fell even more in love with my job, despite (or perhaps because of) its intense highs and lows. I reconnected with some friends with whom I had somehow fallen out of touch. I traveled to Maine quite a bit to see friends and family and I traveled to California and Colorado to see friends. I finished my first knitted baby sweater (which also happens to be my first knitted sweater) and learned how to be creative with eyeshadow.

Overall, I think 2009 was a year for beginning to figure out how to fill my life with the people and things that mean the most to me and how not to get weighted down with those which do not. I hope to continue the positive trends in 2010 and to let the pain of those two failed relationships stay in 2009.

So here, in no particular order, are my hopes and goals for 2010. They were written on the back of a receipt at Friendly's on New Year's Day while eagerly anticipating 2010's first Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Sundae with chocolate ice cream and extra peanut butter sauce.

- In 2010, I want to entertain more. We have an amazing house for entertaining and I want to create more opportunities for friends to get together. That could mean having people over to watch Lost together (the final season starts February 2!!!), a game night, ALC gathering, Groundhog Day Party, or a dinner party. It will definitely mean hosting an Oscar party on March 7 so mark your calendars, book a babysitter, and pull out your fancy clothes because there will absolutely be a red carpet.

- In 2010, I want to clean and re-organize my study. I want to get rid of things that I no longer need (a goal that I have for clothing and shoes as well). I want to sell my desk and make room for a table on which I could put a sewing machine (which is currently sitting in my parents' basement in Maine). And I want to organize my filing and bills.

- In 2010, I want to prepare more meals. I want to get back in the habit of bringing healthy lunches to work with me every day. I want to try more recipes instead of just sticking with my standard go-to recipes (so send some favorite recipes my way!).

- In 2010, I want to start or join a book club, knitting club, or wine club (maybe it can be all three!) - something that provides me the opportunity to meet up regularly with a core group of people. (In San Francisco, I was part of a book club that had a great rule: not reading the book is not a reason not to come to book club. I never read the books and I always went to book club. Best. Book club. Ever.)

- In 2010, I want to read at least one book per month. The above goal will make this easy if I end up being in a book club, but if not, I still want to read at least one book per month. More would be great, but after an embarassingly long time away from being a regular reader of anything longer than a magazine article or childrens book, I think this goal is good for a start.

- In 2010, I want to put more money in savings. And I want to put some of that savings towards a vacation.

- In 2010, I want to take some time to explore my spirituality. I'm not a religious person, but I do consider myself to be spiritual. I don't know if there is a church that speaks to my spiritual beliefs, but I think I'd like to explore what's out there. I want to read more books, poems, quotes... anything really... that make me think more deeply about the world in which I live and what I'm doing in it.

- Finally, in 2010 I want to continue a very important piece of self-care I started late in 2009. I want to continue the trend of being true to myself. I want to hold myself to the same standard to which I hold others. I want to give more to relationships that bring me joy. And I need to cut back on giving so much to relationships that take my energy and give little or nothing in return. I want to try harder to reach out and ask for help rather than feeling like I have to face difficult times alone, because I know that burdens are easier shared than carried alone and that friends want to help share the load but they need to be asked. And I want to carry with me every day a healthy sense of self-worth.


These are my hopes for 2010.

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy new year...

Nienie

The first installation of an inspirational story...

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/stephanie-nielson-intro-120609.html

Letter to an Angel

Dear Christine - 

There is another little angel flying around up there tonight. Please find him and look over him. You two share an anniversary - the kind of anniversary that people your ages should never have. And just as I will never forget that night 11 years ago, I will also never forget today. 

I thought of you all morning. And as I stood with the family during his last moments, I sent a silent plea to you to take care of him up there as lovingly as his parents have taken care of him here on earth.

I miss you, Christine. I wish that you were still here to talk to and spend time with. But it's also so reassuring to me each time a patient dies to know that you'll be up there to greet them and look after them. If you can keep up that end of the bargain, I'll stay down here and look after the ones they leave behind. 

Ever loving and ever grateful for your presence in my life both then and now,

Fibby

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for much in my life. I am thankful for family. For my dad who stocks the fridge with blueberry seltzer before I come home, for my mom who plays never-ending games of Lexulous with me online and who makes me laugh as she dotes on the dogs, and for my sister and her fiance who are including me in their wedding planning (and the actual wedding). I don't see them nearly enough and being home always reminds me of that.

I'm thankful for extended family - my grandmother who shows more strength and humor with each passing year, and for aunts, uncles, and cousins scattered throughout the US, many who share that same strength and humor.

I'm thankful for my friends near and far - my SISO who is always up for anything, my SF, MA and ME friends, my friends whose families have expanded to include little people, for my social work friends who provide such good support and understanding that people not in the field can't always provide.

And I am thankful for my job - a job that I love, even when it makes me cry. I am honored every day to be part of these families' lives and to do the work I do.

I am grateful every day, but today I share my gratitude publicly.

Happy Friday!

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

She

She asked me with tears streaming down her face why this had to happen to her and I had no answer.

She told me the story of how it had come to this and I listened.

She shared secret truths with me her own family didn't know and I kept them as my own secrets.

She held him and wept as he took his last breaths and I held her arm and wept with her.

She is strength and beauty and fear and calm and sadness and hope and I will never forget her.

Singing Clowns and a Dancing Nun

Today at work there was a retirement celebration for one of our chaplains, Sister C. And at the end of the ceremony, our in-house clowns (yes, we have in-house clowns) stood up on stage and led all the attendees in the hokey pokey. There we were, a room full of mostly adults, singing and dancing the hokey pokey together to celebrate this incredible woman. 

It's moments like those that make me realize how lucky I am to work where I do.

Joyful Girl

the bathroom mirror has not budged 

and the woman who lives there can tell 

the truth from the stuff that they say 

she looks me in the eye 

and says would you prefer the easy way 

no, well o.k. then

don't cry

-Ani Difranco

The Gift of Life

As I type this, there is a 5-year-old girl I know who is receiving the ultimate gift - the gift of a heart and of a new life. And as her family rejoiced at the news that a donor had  been found, another family grieved for the loss of their loved one. 

Please keep both families in your thoughts today. 

For more information on organ donation, please visit http://www.donatelife.net/.

Worth the Wait

She wrote to me one night in early January, asking me for advice on what to wear. She had three dates that week and needed advice from an expert. Having been on many online dates over the past few years, I shared my "expert" advice and wished her luck.

Even in that first email - the one before they had ever met - I had a feeling. He liked PBR. He was funny. He could write good emails. And she was excited about the date. She never got excited about dating. Not like that. 

I crossed my fingers and waited. A few days later, she wrote. One guy was sweet, but not her type. One guy was nice but seemed to be a bit of a stoner. But there was one - the one she had hoped would be as good in person as he seemed online - who was worthy of a second date... and then a third... and then a forth. 

And then we all met him, and we knew. He was The One. This was It.

It didn't take long for them to realize it too, and this past weekend he asked and she said yes. 

Congrats to MK and O'G. Your kind, generous, loving souls are undoubtedly meant for each other and you are proof that true love is definitely worth the wait.

Change

It's not that I haven't wanted to write, it's just that I haven't been sure what to say. 

The past 6 months have presented me with some personal challenges, and though I've never been shy about sharing personal bits of my life on this blog, these challenges have involved other people and have made the sharing a bit tricky. I want to write because it is therapeutic for me, but I also want to respect the privacy of these people I care about, even though neither of them reads this blog.

The short version is that there was a friendship that was dissolved and a friendship that was rekindled. Two different friendships, which means that in addition to regaining a friend, I also lost one. It's been hard for me to write about, because it's been hard for me to accept. This was a relationship that I had thought was one of my strongest - a person whose friendship I valued very highly. And in the end, there was no fight or discussion or explanation, this friend just faded away. It was unbelievably sad for me, as there was nothing I could do to save it. For a long time there was a big hole. Now the hole is smaller, but there are still days when I see something that reminds me of my friend and there's a pang of sadness that hits. I still hold out hope that someday this friend and I will reconnect, but I've had to learn to live my life without this friend in it, and that has taken some getting used to.

The friendship that has been rekindled is also complicated. We were friends, and then we weren't for a while due to scheduling and other commitments. And then I reached out and so did this friend, and now we're back in touch and in each other's lives perhaps even more significantly than we were before. Conversation flows, there is unconditional support, and I am so glad to have this person back in my life... except that this friend is moving in a few short weeks, and even with phone and email, I fear that I will be left with yet another hole that will be hard to fill.

Change isn't bad. I know the friend who is moving and I regard each other with a significant level of respect and trust and appreciation that distance should not impact. And I know that the fact that I have lost this other friend does not take away from the many fun and meaningful times we had when we were in each other's lives. With change comes new opportunity, and hopefully growth. But despite knowing all that, I can't help but wish for the good old days sometimes - the days before things changed.

Look what I did!

It only took me a year, from start to finish, but I finally finished my first baby sweater! I found the pattern for free online and stocked up on cheap yarn at Marden's last summer. I even learned how to crochet for this project - that's some serious commitment! 

In all, I am really happy with it and am sharing my success with you all.

The Sweater.

Close-up.

Inside the sweater.

(I actually ended up putting a second tie at the bottom as well so it wouldn't stick out)

Bad Blogger

I know, I know. I've been a bad, bad blogger. 

I could say that there's been nothing to blog about, but after blogging every day for the month of November, we all know that even blogging about nothing is more interesting than no blogging.

So I'm sorry to the three readers who are left out there. I'll try to do better in July.

In the meantime I'll catch you up on my life...

Work:

June was a really difficult month for me at work. Many people think that the worst part of my job is having to deal with death. Though that's true sometimes, there are other parts that can be just as bad. This past month we've had multiple patients admitted after being home. This means that they were sent home seemingly healthy and then admitted later for some reason or another. That isn't the worst part. The worst part is that after being admitted, they end up being diagnosed with chronic and debilitating conditions that are a huge shock to their families. I've witnessed so many families being told this kind of horrible, devastating news this past month and truthfully, it's been exhausting. I still love my job and wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but there have been fewer rewarding moments recently. Here's hoping that July brings many more feel-good moments.

Dating:

It isn't that I haven't been online. I have. And it isn't that I haven't received ridiculous emails from boys who can't compose a sentence. I have. And I'm sure there will be another post somewhere in the future to share more ridiculous emails. But for now I'm trying to focus on actually going on dates, and that has proven harder than I had originally thought. Turns out, lots of the guys who write to me are looking for penpals and notsomuch actual dates. I, on the other hand, am looking for dates. So there's a bit of disconnect there.

Also, what I've realized over the past few months as I've really come into my own in my work is that I'm really happy with where I am in my life. This isn't to say that I don't want to find someone to be my life-long partner in crime, but I'm not in a place where I feel like I need that person, and that feels very healthy to me. So it's not that I've lost my enthusiasm for looking for a significant other, but I guess I've lost some of the urgency.

Life:

I've really been focusing on self-care in this professionally trying month, and it's been paying off. I have managed to reconnect with a few old friends and get to know some new ones. I hosted a mini camp reunion last week the day that camp opened and helped a friend paint her new bedroom this past weekend. These connections also help me to feel whole and healthy and it has been wonderful for me to have new energy around my formerly-stagnant social life.

So that pretty much catches you all up on the happenings of Fibby. Thanks again to the few hearty readers who are still out there. I'll try to post more often next month.

A Gem

I swear, people, I couldn't make these things up if I tried.

Message in my online dating inbox this am:

Subject: I apologize ahead of time...

... because you honestly sound very very sweet!! But you may have the absolute worst taste in music that I have ever ever heard!!(other than rap fans). Please don't be offended. That was the entire message. I am entirely bewildered by why anyone would bother to write and send such a message. If you're not interested in someone, just don't write. And if you are interested, isn't it a pretty well-known rule not to insult them in your first message?!?!

Scooper Bowl Wednesday

This week the Jimmy Fund hosted its annual Scooper Bowl fundraiser - essentially, all-you-can-eat ice cream for $8. Unlike last year, the weather was not exactly the kind that made me crave ice cream. Then again, the ice cream didn't turn to soup, so I guess that was a plus.

This year, I sampled 17 flavors (once again, not full cups each time). Many were similar to last year and none were particularly outstanding. If I had to choose, I think Maine Lobster Tracks might win as my favorite with its "unique eclair crunch whirl", but the artificially red "lobster colored chocolate cups filled with a thick caramel" were pretty gross. 

27th Annual Jimmy Fund Scooper Bowl Vendors:

Baskin-Robbins®

• *Cotton Candy
• *Rock 'n Pop Swirl
• *York® Peppermint Pattie
• *Premium Churned Light Raspberry Chip

Ben & Jerry's

• Orange & Cream
• *Oatmeal Cookie Chunk
• *Chocolate Macadamia
• *Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road

Breyers®

• *Vanilla
• *Coffee
• *Cherry Vanilla
• *Cookies & Cream

Brigham's® Ice Cream

• Vanilla
• Chocolate
• *Confetti & Cream
• Black Raspberry Frozen Yogurt

Edy's®

• Coffee
• *Take the Cake
• Mint Chocolate Chip
• Low Fat Caramel Praline Crunch Frozen Yogurt

Garelick Farms/Gifford’s®

• Chocolate
• Old Fashioned Vanilla
• Mint Chocolate Chip Yogurt
• *Maine Lobster Tracks

Häagen-Dazs®

• *Zesty Lemon Sorbet
• Chocolate
• *Bailey's® Irish Cream
• Vanilla Honey Bee

HP Hood®

• New England Lighthouse Coffee
• Cookie Dough Delight
• Fenway Fudge
• Maine Blueberry & Sweet Cream Frozen Yogurt

Spasso

• Amaretto gelato
• Dulce de Leche gelato
• Chocolate gelato
• Chocolate Chip gelato
• Crema Café gelato
• Lemon sorbet
• Coconut sorbet
• Mango gelato
• Raspberry gelato
• Zabaglione gelato
• *Ginger gelato

The Good

Some people have suggested that I was harsh in my last post... that I may have been quick to judge people who may be good matches for me, but who just don't happen to have good spelling or grammar skills.

But here's the thing: the way I see it, an online dating profile is essentially a job application of sorts - and, like a resume, it is responsible for first impressions. If I meet a guy at a bar I can base my first impression on his personality and looks and "je ne sais quoi", but when I "meet" someone online all I have to base my first impression on is his profile. If a guy can't be bothered to write more than three sentences to describe himself or to spell-check (especially after reading in my profile that that's something I value in a potential match), then I'm going to assume that he isn't all that serious about dating, which means that he is not going to be a good match for me.

Think I've set the bar impossibly high? Wondering what a good online response look like? It looks like this:

I'd like to think that I'm pretty well edumacated and am not a terabul speler. I'm a bit of a grammar dork myself. Am prone to the occasional mishap of a poorly constructed sentence with a dangling participle. ;)

or this...

If your interest is piqued, by all means...give me a shout back. And I think you have every right to be a grammar nerd. If people can't write 'you' in a message...what is the world coming to??? 

or this...

I just had to comment on your well-organized and laid out profile. It is very rare to see that on dating sites. People can't seem to spell or write well. Don't worry...I won't call you a nerd. Anyway, you sound like an interesting person. Write back if you'd like.

Ok, so those three all happen to have the theme of embracing and/or appreciating my nerdiness. But I guess that's kind of what I want from a potential date - a guy who reads through my profile, likes my quirkiness, and then takes the time to write and tell me so. Those are the guys who get a response from me. 

Of course, there are still always going to be the weirdos...

I am a sensitive guy who can help you heal from any emotional wounds you experienced growing up as a child. This is what usually bonds a couple because the other person opens doors that imprisoned them psychologically.

The adventure continues...

New Online Site: not so gr8

I recently joined yet another online dating site, which has proven to be a great source of entertainment for me in the past week.

In the first few days after I joined, I received such charming messages as these*:

Hi how r u?? I read your profile and would love to get to know you. Wanna get to know me???

hey whats up i like to chat wit u some more hit me back if ud like to talk

These messages (and many others like them) made me cringe, so I eventually added this to the bottom of my profile:

You Should Message Me If...

... my profile looks interesting to you and you think we might hit it off.

... you're looking for something more serious than a casual relationship.

... you can successfully and consistently type the full word "you" (instead of "u") when you write to me (yup - I'm a grammar nerd).

One might think that such clear instructions might solve my problems, but alas...

why dont u answer me :(

hmmmm… let me think…

Subject: but 'you' requires more effert than 'u'

I have bad hands thats why i write 'u' sometimes. Hope you can forgive me.

(Scores points for creativity, but... no.)

Hellooo....

I'm Chris

and you...r ADORABLE :)

(Not sure if that's supposed to be "you" "r" or "you're" but either way Chris, I can't bring myself to respond.)

And there are other spelling issues too:

Please be spontanious, passionet, happy, and an overall good person.

(self-explanatory)

I am looking for someone that I would be attracted too that is fun and outgoing.

(Subtle error, but still…)

I am a 40 year old teacher/coach with impeccable grammer, haha. Anyways, you seem nice and I'd like to talk more if you would.

(Ummmm... Coach? Your "grammer" might be fine, but your spelling, notsomuch.)

Then there are the punctuation (or lack thereof) issues...

Hi.i don't know why.I keep looking at you pic..

you look interesting?

see you soon.

(Perhaps the most creatively punctuated message I've ever received.)

hey whats i like your profile alot and was wondering if you would like to talk sometime if your interested let me know talk to you later bye

(easily the least punctuated message I've ever received)

Or the combination disaster messages:

I know what you mean. And its funny, Ive thought of abreviations; like "U" instead of you. And Ive' thought, maybe if your really trying to meet someone. For a lasting relationship. Using the word "you" is more well appropriate. If your in a chat room talking to whoever-whoever? thats ok:) Just funny that u mentioned that. I wonder if other guys are as enlightened about that?....probubly not like u said.

( silence )

Or just the really strange messages:

TOPIC ONE,TOPIC TWO,TOPIC THREE

Ok, Here are three sincere and fun topics for you from a true future friend and entertaining person in your neighborhood .... Massachusetts.

I will give you three interesting topics quickly ....

TOPIC ONE: I wrote this poem to a beautiful woman on here today because her profile gave me these feelings.

Feelings Of Spring

I Love The Beauty In your Eyes.

I Love The Vision Of your Mind.

I Love The Power Of Your Faith.

I Love The Innocence Of Your Youth.

I Love The Scent Of Your Body.

I Love The Passion In Your Heart.

I Love The Integrity Of Your Spirit.

I Love The Pleasure Of Your Touch.

TOPIC TWO: I am developing a Business Plan for a (DELETED) STARTUP Company where I am the CEO. So I study (DELETED) & (DELETED) & (DELETED) & (DELETED) these days.

TOPIC THREE: I was in a startup previously ... cashed out three Million ... took a few years off and spent it ...

.... so you can imagine how I feel now ....

.... like a goofball who spent 3 Million Dollars

having fun and enjoying life.

What kind of way to spend your life is that ;)

Write Me.

Aaron

(Oh, Aaron. Though I do love a poem sent to me but written for another, I’m going to have to pass.)

Despite the evidence above, there are a few men who have managed to pass my difficult screening process. No dates yet, but stay tuned for more adventures…

* All messages above copied and pasted with no alterations to spelling or grammar. Names and identifying details have been changed, however.

Three Years Out

I remember this day so clearly. And the ones immediately following. 

I remember hearing that Carolyn's birthday celebration had been cancelled, and then hearing that it was because Rosalie was in the hospital. I remember going into the hospital on a Wednesday night - not just to volunteer as I usually did - but to visit my friends whose daughter had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Their lives changed forever with that diagnosis, and mine did too. No longer were the families I volunteered with strangers... there was now a family I knew and loved among them. 

I moved away from SF not long after Rosalie's diagnosis and surgery, but I see them every time I visit the Bay Area. And every time, I am amazed at the strength and determination of this incredible little girl and her equally incredible family members. I am touched by the closeness of Rosie and her sister. And I am inspired by the powerful love and encouragement of her parents. I feel honored to know them and to have shared in this journey even a little bit.

Sending much love to Rosie and her family on this anniversary. Keep up the good work, Rosie! We are all so very proud of you.