Change

It's not that I haven't wanted to write, it's just that I haven't been sure what to say. 

The past 6 months have presented me with some personal challenges, and though I've never been shy about sharing personal bits of my life on this blog, these challenges have involved other people and have made the sharing a bit tricky. I want to write because it is therapeutic for me, but I also want to respect the privacy of these people I care about, even though neither of them reads this blog.

The short version is that there was a friendship that was dissolved and a friendship that was rekindled. Two different friendships, which means that in addition to regaining a friend, I also lost one. It's been hard for me to write about, because it's been hard for me to accept. This was a relationship that I had thought was one of my strongest - a person whose friendship I valued very highly. And in the end, there was no fight or discussion or explanation, this friend just faded away. It was unbelievably sad for me, as there was nothing I could do to save it. For a long time there was a big hole. Now the hole is smaller, but there are still days when I see something that reminds me of my friend and there's a pang of sadness that hits. I still hold out hope that someday this friend and I will reconnect, but I've had to learn to live my life without this friend in it, and that has taken some getting used to.

The friendship that has been rekindled is also complicated. We were friends, and then we weren't for a while due to scheduling and other commitments. And then I reached out and so did this friend, and now we're back in touch and in each other's lives perhaps even more significantly than we were before. Conversation flows, there is unconditional support, and I am so glad to have this person back in my life... except that this friend is moving in a few short weeks, and even with phone and email, I fear that I will be left with yet another hole that will be hard to fill.

Change isn't bad. I know the friend who is moving and I regard each other with a significant level of respect and trust and appreciation that distance should not impact. And I know that the fact that I have lost this other friend does not take away from the many fun and meaningful times we had when we were in each other's lives. With change comes new opportunity, and hopefully growth. But despite knowing all that, I can't help but wish for the good old days sometimes - the days before things changed.