At the End of the Day

There are some days when I leave work feeling energized and elated, and there are some days when I leave work feeling as though I've been punched in the gut. Particularly difficult are the nights I leave work not knowing if patients who were in critical condition when I left will still be there when I return. 

In professions that deal regularly with matters of life and death, there is a significant amount of self-care that practitioners must do in order to keep from burning out. People often think of self-care as being something extravagant like getting a massage. But actually, self-care can be as simple as turning one's pager off and leaving work on time.

At the end of days like today, I have a lot of ambivalence about leaving my work behind. I know that the only way I can continue to do my job well is to take time away from it and all of the intensity and stress it brings, but I get so invested in the patients and families that it's difficult for me to leave them when I know they are struggling. Can they get by without my support? Of course. But if I can relieve their stress or ease their sorrow or help in any way, I want to do so, and it's difficult for me to walk away. But in order to have the energy and strength to return to work each morning, I must leave work at night and try to put out of my mind the scary and sad realities that these families are facing 24/7, with no option to escape. 

It has taken some time and practice, but most of the time I can do it. However, some days I find that my walk home at the end of the day has not cleared my head, and I am still weighted down with the reality of what I see every day. 

Last night, after a difficult day at work, I returned home and checked blog updates before I went to sleep. I clicked on flotsamblog - one of my favorites - only to find this post. It was a punch-in-the-gut reminder to me that even when babies survive through prematurity and families bring them home from the hospital - even when they are many months and even years out from having been in a hospital - they are still fragile, and there are no guarantees.

When I returned to work this morning that reminder weighed heavily on me. And as I saw my patients struggle with their individual battles, I said silent prayers for each of them that they might leave our hospital healthy and never return. 

I never knew Maddie Spohr or her parents, but from what I have read, there was a lot to love. The online community of Maddie's friends and supporters has raised over $22,000 in her honor for the March of Dimes as well as additional funds through PayPal to support her parents during this unthinkably difficult time. I am moved to tears when I think of the loss of such a small and joyful little life - and then moved to tears again to see the widespread reaction and incredible outpouring of support and love within the blogging world. 

Last night my work and my outside life collided, and at the end of today I am left still reeling from the impact. 

"The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight... but every time we think we've measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless."   -TWW

One of Those Weeks

I can't remember the last time I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. It's been a while. So I guess I was due? 

Monday brought a cryptic email from my supervisor telling me that she needed to meet with me regarding a "patient relations issue". It turned out to be nothing bad, but I spent the entire day with a knot in my stomach trying to figure out what I might have done wrong and/or what family might have had a complaint about my work. Not a great way to start the week.

Tuesday I was paged before I even got into work about a family situation that had escalated to a near crisis point. By the time I arrived at work (10 minutes early, thankyouverymuch), the family had already left, but there was much de-briefing to do about how this matter was handled and how to prevent a similar situation in the future. And though absolutely no one blamed me for what had taken place, I felt awful that I hadn't been there to help during an incredibly difficult situation. 

Wednesday, I started getting sick. The "oh no, my throat hurts and I know what that means" kind of sick where you know no matter how much zinc/vitamin c/echinacea you take, it's still going to get you.

Thursday I stayed home sick from work. I also received an unexpected email that has left me feeling unsettled and grumpy for the past 24 hours.

And today I realized mid-day that the grant proposal I have been working on that is due March 2nd is due on MONDAY because February is a short month. I also realized when I went to pay my credit card bill at 8pm tonight that it wouldn't get posted until March 2. It's due the 1st. And when I called the company to ask if there was anything I could do, and they said, "yes, go to this website and you can pay it until 11:59pm tonight and it will still post today", I then realized that the credit card with the number I would need to be able to pay it online, was on my desk at work.

So it's been that kind of week. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

But there have been glimmers of goodness in the week too: one of my favorite kiddos coming back to our unit for a few days, getting to hold that same kiddo's twin brother while he smiled at me with all his might, caring comments from friends when they found out I was sick, free lunch today (there IS such thing as a free lunch, people, there IS!), and an honest-to-goodness, rock-solid GOOD first date. Yes, you read that correctly. In the midst of my hellish week, I went on a date, and that date was good. 

Things That Made Me Laugh Today

1. For some reason, as I was signing into my email this morning, I remembered back to when I was 8 or so. I was with my dad and we were signing in at some event. My dad signed himself in and then let me sign my own name, but somehow I got distracted while writing, and my sign-in name was "Phoebe Choebe" It made me laugh then, and it made me laugh now.

2. This is a photo I actually received yesterday. It made me laugh when I got it, and again when I opened it up to make it my desktop wallpaper at work.

Close to Home

Working in the field I do and being the age I am can make for a strange combination sometimes, since many of my friends are in the process of starting or building their families. A close friend of mine was recently put on bedrest and is now in the hospital for the rest of her pregnancy (72 days or earlier if baby decides he needs to come out sooner). 

So now I am sending all kinds of "stay put" vibes to BabyBoy B. I promise you it's better in than out at this age, and as much as I want to see you, I really want you to be as healthy as possible when you join us out here in the real world. So rest up (and let Mommy rest as well) and hang out on the inside for a while longer. 

Without Words

Tomorrow marks the start of my third week at my new job. I haven't managed to write about it yet not because I don't have any thoughts to share, but because every time I sit down to write I find myself at a loss for words. When I am able to come up with words, they aren't able to capture the experiences I've had. But it's now been over two weeks since I've posted, so I've got to fight my lack of words somehow.

For now, as long as I'm at a loss for words that turn into paragraphs, I'm going to share little bits and pieces from my work life. I will warn you ahead of time that some might be upsetting. I don't plan to share any graphic stories, but I know that the line of work I'm in is one that many don't like to think about. Ultimately, this blog is for sharing bits and pieces of my life and this work is a significant part of my life. Read if you like, skip it if you prefer.

Things I Learned in My First 2 Weeks on the Job:

- I'm out of practice introducing myself and my role as a social worker in a hospital setting.

- I am surprisingly unphased by the insanely high number and types of beeps that surround me on a daily basis.

- I have to wear a belt at all times so that the combination of pager+hip phone won't pull my pants down.

- I am surrounded by incredibly talented and compassionate people

- A baby born 3 months early is unbelievably tiny and fragile.

- The most beautiful eyes on the unit belong to the baby who supposedly can't see.

- Walking to work is a really nice way to start the morning.

- Walking home from work is a good way to transition from work back to home.

No Words

I thought perhaps if I slept on it, I'd have words to write this morning, but I'm still at a loss.

Yesterday two of my dearest friends in the world became parents of a little baby girl, and I became an honorary Aunt. I am beside myself with happiness for this new family and apparently my happiness leaves me speechless.

Welcome to the world, Baby M.

Play Ball! - Addendum

I have just been informed of another way that people celebrate opening day: giving birth. Apparently, in addition to all of the really exciting things that happened in my life yesterday that I was actively a part of (and that had nothing to do with baseball), an even more exciting thing took place that I wasn't witness to:

Baby Girl HebMo made her grand entrance onto this planet.



Welcome to the world, little one. I'm madly in love with you already and I haven't even met you.

2007: The Year in Review

I never wrote a year-end blog post. I meant to, but I didn't. I wrote a million different versions of it in my head, but never put my fingers to the keyboard to make it happen. And now half a month into 2008, I am re-capping 2007 for you all. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. And you heard about a lot of it from this blog, but here it is condensed for your enjoyment:

Fibby's 2007

School:
Classes taken: 12
Classes passed: 12
Community Ed classes taken for fun, not credit: 2
Papers written: 45
Nights in a row with 5 or less hours of sleep: 15+

Sports:
Sox games attended: 3
Pats games attended: 0
Fantasy Football leagues played: 1
Fantasy Football leagues won: 1

Friends and Travel:
Trips to San Francisco: 1.5
Walks across the city of SF while wearing a box around my waist: 1
Shopping sprees at Ross Dress for Less: 2
Road trips to Willoughby, OH: 1
Weddings attended: 1
Baby showers attended: 2
Friends who had babies or announced pregnancies: 8

Dating:
First dates: 8
Second dates: 4
Third dates: 2
Number of times I was stood up: 1
Number of times I fell in love: 1
Number of times I had my heart broken: 1
Number of online dating services used: 2

Other:
Number of children for whom I babysat: 10
Number of times I did karaoke: 1
Visits to Jake Ivory's: 2
Theme days planned by me at my summer job: 8
Number of times I dressed up like an idiot for theme days at my summer job: 7
Mini-golf games played: 3
Mini-golf games won: 0
Free rounds of mini-golf won: 1
Free cone days attended: 2
Survivor seasons watched: 1.2
Raffle prizes won: 1
Number of times fallen down any number of stairs: 2
Weeks between stair falls: 3
Bones broken in stair falls: 0
Blog entries: 101

Misery, thy name is...

... grad school.

Apologies for the lack of updates/musings/links as of late. There was a tiny window of time when I wasn't slammed with 600 kinds of papers to be writing all at once, but that time is gone, and it's now full-speed-ahead until December 14th.

I went to another baby shower a few weekends back, and this one was at the home of the parents of my best friend from elementary school. I hadn't been back to this neighborhood in probably 15 years, so it was pretty trippy. I drove by my old house, which has been painted three shades of ugly since we moved out in 1990, and then on to my friend's parents' house which flooded me with memories the moment I walked in. Building obstacle courses in the tv room, playing out in the back yard... it was fun to re-discover memories like that.

MOMP had her baby, which is all kinds of exciting, and I am impatiently waiting for a break in my schedule so that I can get out to meet him. Congrats to MOMP and husband!

I'm heading up to Maine for Saturday night to celebrate Dasein's birthday, which will be a good break for me. I was originally going to try to stick around in Maine to watch the Pats game, but I think there is too much writing to be done to be able to justify that - especially since I'm babysitting on Sunday night.

So the boringness of this post pretty much explains why I haven't posted in a while, but I got feeling bad (not as bad as Dasein should feel - no trip log yet and you've been home 3 months!?!?!?), so I had to write something.

Next up: the annual Thanksgiving gratitude email.